Category: Editorial

It means ‘opinion,’ dumbass.

Categories
Editorial

Everything must be this way

The jackals who closed in on my imagination are not dead yet. In fact, they’re still very alive. The Soft Parade has now begun. Listen to the engines hum. Cobra on my left, Leopard on my right.

Just the hunter of the green vest. Who has wrestled before, with lions in the night – out of sight, the lights are getting brighter. The beauty in your eyes, it fails to see me for who I truly was, and who I truly am – what I’ll arise as, from the ashes, like the great pheonix when you are the one who I rue on your deathbed, you’re forgotten. I fucking hate you. Hershenrider. Hicks. Suhr. VCU. “Teachers” who taught me to hate myself. You’ll rot in hell when I am the media king you fucks feared me to be. When I am the one who made sure the world knew you are sick, suburbanite fucks with slutty daughters who would rather fuck me than respect you. Who would rather be remembered for their passion than obedience.

Yeah, you fucking losers with your 7 am jobs and your 9 o’clock habits of fucking wives that pity you. The crawling kingsnake, he crawls in each of you, but mostly he crawled under your skin and he fucking won, you sad motherfuckers, because he is free, and you are not. I am free, like I said, but not cheap. I win, motherfucker, and I take the winnings where I walk. You will not survive the Revolution. Neither will I. – It’s not ours, it’s Nature’s and when you resist her, you suffer the greatest. Succumb and all is right. All is peace. Can you find your soft asylum? When the Man is at the door?

There’s still a few animals left out in the yard, but it’s getting harder.

Count your sheep, you flock. Number your days, count your blessings, name your daughters Rebecca and Megan and I will take them from you anyway. You are losers. Fucking sit-at-home-mothers and intellectual want-to-be fathers. I am the new Kurt Vonnegut. I am the New Psycho. I am the motherfucker you wish you were. I have the modernity under my old-fashioned raisings and I will rape your state of mind with a smile on my face and a grimace in my chest. I am the golden king. I am the one you wish you could be. I am the writer. I am the solace. I am the Peace. I am War. I am everything you wish you could be, and so much more.

I am every bit of inner dialogue that is missing from your life. I am every bit of intelligence you lack. I am the motherfucking awareness in the back of your mind that you once shunned in favor of blissful ignorance. And I will make you fucking pay. I despise the whole god damn lot of you and there’s not a god damn person on the face of this earth who can strip THAT from me. Are you ready for pain you fucking losers? I hope so. Because pain is your new definition of success. Pain and loss will replace your happiness in the year 2009 and 2010, especially.

For, you see, I am the first coming, forget the second, of knowledge and evolution in practice. I am the voice in your head that asks the questions in silence – that says what you are thinking – that begs the question. But I don’t work for you. No, you’re neither my master nor my enemy. Neutral. Painless. Numb. Worthless. To me, you, my dear readers, are the trash, the scum of society to whom I owe nothing. Not a thousand dollars – not a thousand apologies – but half a dozen fuck-yous and that covers it. Covers the lot of you. I hate you. I hate what you stand for. I hate how you live and the philosophy by which you live. Regardless.

I am the one whose words you have come here to read. “I am the one, who controls the Sun.”

I am your God. Read my words. They will not be re-printed. Only followed.

We’re starting something new now. We don’t follow the rules anymore. We design them.

I’m the crawling Kingsnake, and I rule my den.

I am coming to rule yours, too. When I change the way you habituate yourselves. I will fuck you and hurt you. I will not let go. I will not stop until your system is destroyed enough to resemble mine. I will kill you.

Categories
Editorial Law Science

Trouser Snake

Snakes are amazing creatures.  They live on every continent except for Antarctica, where it is much too cold for snakes to survive.  They are so adept at surviving, that some can reproduce without a member of the opposite sex.  The Brahminy blind snakes are all females. When mature, they lay fertile eggs, and the young are clones of the mother.

A snake sneaks stealthily through the grass
A snake sneaks stealthily through the grass

One of the most interesting snakes to me is the king cobra.  The king cobra is the largest venomous snake in the world, reaching lengths of more than 18 feet and weighing up to 50 pounds.  The king cobra dines exclusively on other snakes.  When it can’t find other snakes to eat, it will dine on other available prey, like small rodents.  Although it dines on other snakes, and the occasional rodent, the venom of the king cobra is strong enough to kill an elephant.

The king cobra has a reputation as man killer, but in reality, the king cobra avoids humans.  When confronted by man, or other large creatures, they will try to flee.  If they are cornered, they will feign death by flipping on to their back, opening their mouths, allowing their tongues to roll out, and emptying a foul smelling substance from their anal glands, making them highly unappetizing to any potential predator.  That’s right……in addition to carrying around toxic venom, they have a supply of putrid shit which they can dispense at will.  This “man killer” will only strike at humans as a last resort.

A couple of interesting things they have in common with all other snakes are the fact that they are completely deaf, lacking any form of external ear.  All snakes are incapable of learning, because they lack the enlarged Cerebral Hemispheres, which is the part of the brain controls learning and thought.

Now, when I read that snakes are incapable of learning, I couldn’t help but think about the trouser snake.  Which brings me to the issue I wanted to talk about to begin with.

Like every man besides Calvin Hart, I have a penis that I frequently use for coitus.  Coitus is sexual intercourse for those of you not familiar with the term.  Sexual intercourse is great fun, for those of you not familiar with the act.

Now, this aforementioned penis of mine has gotten me into more trouble than I can explain in this article.  Each and every time it gets me into trouble, I swear that I will never let it do that again.  But it inevitably does.  I can only conclude that the trouser snake, like all other snakes, is incapable of learning.

I fooled around with my best friend’s wife one time.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I know it was wrong, but I did it anyway.  That cost me my best friend, and my girlfriend, when she found out.  I don’t know why I did it.  I just did.

I swore I would never do anything like that again.

My friend and I made amends after some time.  He eventually got back together with his wife.  And I screwed her again.

Just like its scaly brethren, the trouser snake is incapable of learning.

One thing I have learned through the trials and tribulations brought on by the trouser snake, is that the trouble it causes is expensive.  This brings me to the most dangerous kind of snake in the world…… the snake in the grass.

I had coitus with a stranger one time, and it is now costing me over $1100 a month.  The “justice” system determined that this woman, who slept with a complete stranger one time in a hotel bar and got pregnant, is entitled to more than a grand a month for her noble accomplishment.  Now, I could understand a couple hundred dollars a month, but a grand a month?  How does a kid need a grand a month to go to elementary school?  This woman simply hit the lottery.  Fucking snake in the grass bitch!

The American Indians used to share a story about snakes whenever their fellow man needed solace. It goes like this: an old woman finds an injured snake and nurses it back to health. For weeks upon months upon years she tends to this snake until it is OK again. And then one day it bites her. “Snake,” she says, “I saved your life. Why did you bite me?” To which the snake responds, “Look bitch, you knew I was a snake.”

Now perhaps the judge, jury, prosecuting attorney, social worker and even the butch cop who showed up at my house, all being women, had it out for me, deep down, secretly, wanting no one to know, but just to nail me hard. That would be an unnatural pack-like behavior for snakes to temporarily adopt, but scientists will tell you that’s not unheard of in Nature. Or maybe they just understood the ways of a snake.

Yes……out of all the snakes in the world, the king cobra is the most interesting, the trouser snake is the most troublesome, and the snake in the grass is the most dangerous.

Categories
Editorial Entertainment

Dog Gets Off the Hook

"The Dog" in his glory days.
"The Dog" in his glory days.

Duane “The Dog” Chapman has been let off the hook by America’s Black community.  After the tough guy and convicted murderer shed a few insincere tears for his admitted continual usage of the word ‘Nigger,’ his show is back on the air. Here is the famous quote in which he explains why his son should not date a black woman:

I’m not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I’ve worked for 30 years because some fucking niggers heard us say nigger and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine…So, I’ll help you get another job but you cannot work here unless you break up with her and she’s out of your life. I can’t handle that shit.

Dog the bounty hunter is still filming new shows two years later, despite all the damage he has done to his image in apologizing for his racism.  It takes a lot of guts to shed a tear on Sean Hannity’s television show and still expect to be taken seriously as a bounty hunter.  Perhaps the size of his wife’s heaving chest has mezmerized the world. No other celebrity has ever dropped so many hateful N-Bombs and kept their job.

The dog sheds a single tear for Sean Hannity
The dog sheds a single tear for Sean Hannity

Meanwhile, Michael Richards, 33 degree Freemason and former comedian is not doing as well as Dog.  Shortly after getting filmed making racist remarks to Black hecklers he gave up comedy for spiritual healing.  Currently, Michael Richards is pretending to meditate in Cambodia with a bunch of untrustworthy slant-eyed freaks while spouting Kramer quotes because he enjoys the fact that they don’t get it. Richards phoned Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to apologize, but to no avail. Even a place in a marginal VH1 celebrity reality program will be forever out of his grasp.  Dog the Bounty Hunter must have a ‘G’ pass because he did his apology on Sean Fucking Hannity, whitest of the white collar. He vowed to never say ‘nigger’ again in his life, and has been caught breaking his word by Elf Wax investigators.

Elf Wax contacted Duane Chapman to comment on the leniency that the court system has shown to Michael Vick, and “The Dog” went into a blind rage, breaking his promise to never, ever, ever use “that word” again.

That fucking nigger, and I’m not saying he’s a nigger because he’s a nigger.  It’s because of what he did to dogs, that’s what makes him a real nigger.  You get what I’m saying, right?