So you’ve started work at a new office, and you want to make a good impression. You’re not trying to make friends, but you don’t want to come off as an unapproachable ogre, either.
Here are a few useful tips designed to help you get along with any coworker, in any office setting. Don’t be nervous! Be sneaky, vindictive and judgmental with these four easy tips.
- DO discuss politics. Choose a polarizing subject like abortion. Don’t be afraid to play devil’s advocate! You can learn a lot about someone by measuring their reactions to statements such as, “Killing unborn children is not just murder, it’s a sin.” You will quickly find yourself bringing groups of different people together in fun, friendly discourse.
- Be playful. Try a funny prank, like farting near a group and blaming it on the guy who packs his own lunch. “Christ Larry, is this what you call living organically?” In the same vein, poison a coworker’s coffee and wait for him to get sick. Because you’re in on the joke, you should have plenty of time to think of a witty remark, which will score huge points around the office. While your coworker is writhing in pain on the floor of the ambulance, you can quip, “Budget meetings are bad, but this is ridiculous!” Pain is hilarious.
- Tell jokes. Identify a remark or catchphrase that seems to work, and stick to this joke like glue. “You’re alright, Lisa. I don’t care what they say about you.” The more people hear this, the more it is likely to grow on them. Do not deviate from this canned phrase, and you’ll soon be “a character” remembered for ages as “a pretty good guy, too.” Jokes that are hurtful to others is a surefire way to gain status in the pecking order. Identify some previously unnoticed weakness in a colleague, and choose the right time to identify and ridicule your target in front of everybody. “Say, Thomas, I never noticed until I was helping you convert last quarter’s graphs that you’ve got a dead tooth. I used to think you just rolled around in something dead before work.” Thomas is such a faggot now.
- Blame others for your shortcomings. Starting a new job is difficult, especially if you’ve only been doing it for 25 years when you make a mistake. Someone didn’t get paid for two months because of your clerical error? No problem! You didn’t come this far by owning up to your faults. Admitting to mistakes reveals weakness, and suggests to others you have a tiny penis. Abuse the power you worked so hard for, and blame everyone for what you do wrong. Lie because it’s easier, not as a last resort. You aren’t desperate. You’re callous. You aren’t evil. You’re new, and you want people to like you!
With these easy tips you are ready to win people and influence friends. You have enough on your plate to deal with, and when you’re the new guy in town, you’ll need every bit of help you can get, because you are a pathetic, weak piece of shit and nobody can ever know. Unless you want to die miserable and alone, the butt of every last joke, and remembered as a loser, you will follow these helpful tips.
Read https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/ for more helpful bro tips.
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