INTERNET (Friday, Sept. 5, 2026) — The Soviet Union collapsed Friday following a failed military assault on the Internet Chronicle’s North American headquarters in southwest Georgia, bringing an abrupt end to one of the world’s largest communist states after nearly 70 years of political and military rule.
The collapse came hours after Soviet Red Army units entered Cuthbert and opened fire on unarmed reporters and civilians gathered outside the legendary Chronicle HQ.
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, chronicle.su consultant and demolitions expert, said the tank shattered the main structure, but the Internet Chronicle remains standing on merit alone.
“Damn near blew a hole through my cold plunge,” Troubadour said from Lebal Drocer Missionary Hospital. “War is hell.”
Thirteen people were killed and more than 100 injured. One demonstrator was photographed standing directly in front of a Soviet tank moments before troops fired into the crowd. Troubadour so far had heard nothing about this.
“You mean there are 100 injured people laying on the ground outside my hospital right now?” Troubadour looked anxiously around the room. “Betty—Betty’s my assistant, Betty? I’m buying you that new camper you said you wanted.”
Troubadour’s grim visage returned as news of the massacre spread rapidly across the Soviet republics, where demonstrations had already strained the pockets of central government whose holes long since emptied into the penny loafers stamping a human face for eternity.
By afternoon, several republics announced they would no longer recognize authority from Moscow, while Soviet military commanders reportedly abandoned posts, removed insignia and began negotiating independently with the Internet Chronicle, begging like little criminal bitches for pictures of our passports, money, and feet pics.
Lebal Drocer Publisher and CEO Raleigh T. Sakers stood on the front lawn as explosions and debris clattered around him. From the shadows of his invisible empire, Sakers has poured his blood and guts into the Soviet Chronicle, and in 2011 took a bullet in the line of duty behind the Internet Chronicle news desk.
“Them motherfuckers in the police blotter don’t want their names in the paper, they ought to act right,” Sakers shouted. “I will mouth fuck you!”
In Moscow, Communist Party officials attempted to reassure the public that the Soviet Union remained intact, and that the chronicle.su would remain under their control, but state television abruptly ceased normal programming shortly after 6 p.m. The Soviet flag was lowered over government buildings before midnight. No replacement government immediately claimed responsibility for the attack in Georgia.
Internet Chronicle remained operational throughout the collapse. Reporters working from inside the damaged Cuthbert headquarters confirmed publication would continue thanks to the important work performed under naked supervision at the Internet Chronicle Preservation Society.
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