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Hate

ISIS denounces “childish” North Korean cyberattack

ISIS mocked North Korean cyberwar tactics, touting their own powerful program's invisible and effective operations
ISIS mocked North Korean cyberwar tactics, touting their own powerful program’s invisible and effective operations

INTERNET — Friday, FBI spokespeople told Fox News that their investigators found final and conclusive proof attributing the landmark cyberattack on Sony to North Korean state-sponsored hackers. Like the Anonymous attacks that shuttered Sony’s video gaming network in 2010, many commenters have noted that Sony stands to make billions in the wake of the attack with an easy excuse for moving forward with a massive and disruptive overhaul of their infrastructure. Terrorists everywhere are frightened that their intent to punish enemies by disrupting their infrastructure  may be, in fact, a boon for the powers they oppose.

Emir Ayman Al-Shaheer, press secretary for the Caliph of ISIS, told reporters, “Al-Qaida and the attacks of 9/11 only crystallized the militant resolve of the US and the West to suppress the glorious spread of Islam. We see very clearly that North Korea’s Sony hack is yet more self-destructive terrorism along this failed strain, giving Sony and the US the perfect moment to expand power. ISIS has adopted the effective tactics of the US and does its best to co-opt the energetic attacks of our enemies, using cold and effective strategy rather than childish flailing to turn that energy back on the infidels. Our hackers are more active and powerful than any in the world, and you will never, ever, hear a news story about their ongoing operations.”

 

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Categories
Science

Robotica: Dawn

An angry flash of pinkish-white light sparked the signal fires of a burgeoning utopia. Evaporated with the rest of humanity were its triumphs, achievements, and star-spangled banners. Its failures, too, burned up in the pulse. The domination, subjugation, torture and genocides behind them, an innocent people survived for some time on rations of Hamburger Helper and expired MREs from the first and last space-age, the year they photographed Gliese.

flash

By the time the thousand-or-so people had stepped out of the capsule, 150 years had lapsed. Infrastructure, homes, museums, municipal buildings, Manhattan, Shanghai – even the village outside the capsule – everything was entirely destroyed. But they knew this was coming…

A series of qualifications determined entry to the capsule. Not all engineers, physicists, and planetary scientists would make it aboard, but let it be said the only people who survived had a career in the humanities, sciences and mathematics. Politicians, good as they were, would not be needed on the other side of the flash. Corporatists, too – sorry to say – were all left behind. Even my family: Though their nurturing smiles were filled only with the best of intentions, they did not come. And neither could I. The society who made it were good for tomorrow. They were educated; indoctrinated, sure, but who could help that? The plan was final, so it hardly mattered at all. On the other side, the same goal filled each head which ached in the true sunlight, its powerful stare. No one looked up.

Outward forever, the grass was green and nothing was dead. For a moment, the younger ones might have felt duped if it weren’t for the plan, taught to them since birth like some faith, a religion. The horticulturists fanned out ahead, staggering and falling to their knees. As mud soaked through their mended blue jeans, they bent further over, and put their faces into the grass. It smelled like nothing from the terrariums they’d studied, deep underground. The children laughed, and followed in suit. No one spoke a word.

An architect and robotics engineer named Phineas Al Serde exited the arched portal and stood leaning against the lead dome. The 100-acre field transformed before his eyes from a rolling green ocean into square sections of concrete, and the gigantic square sections, larger than city blocks, stretched to the sky like gray reeds, hungry for light. He closed his eyes and contemplated suicide.

Robotica

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Categories
Sports

Igor Ivanov takes first place in Russian roulette semifinals, one dead

Siberian Open 2014
The most destitute sport on Earth

SIBERIA– Igor Ivanov took first place after his only surviving opponent took his own life during the hotly anticipated Siberian Open Russian Roulette Tourney ’14. The to-be annual championship is held at the prestigious abandoned number station south of Kayerkan Кайеркан.

Event coordinators came up with the idea when desperate athletes, eager for drink and a little potato money, clamored for the opportunity to flirt with suicide in exchange for airplane fuel, which the men drink and use to get drunk and high, or “crunk” as it is understood in the Decadent West. The rise of the sport coincides with the hopeless fall of the Russian ruble, as Putin promises to track down and execute speculators.

“Man lay gun at table before me,” Ivanov, 46, recounted. “He spin revolver, put gun in mouth, squeeze eyes shut tight, squeeze trigger. I win!”

The body of 28-year-old Vsevolod Alliluyev was unceremoniously deposited into a tiger’s cage, where no one stayed to watch the thin, starving animal consume his remains.

Alliluyev, an out-of-work fisherman from Irkutsk, was no man’s friend, according to Yannick Jacobs, who organized the suicidal bloodbath.

“He drifted in from somewhere, I don’t know,” Jacobs said. “He smelled like urine but he had a few rubles – which, as you know, are just about worthless right now – so I told him as long as he used his own bullets, he could play.”

Jacobs said it just so happened Alliluyev carried his own small supply of .44 magnum bullets, should such an opportunity arise.

“They were his fortune,” Jacobs said. “He was worth more in bullets than anything else, because life is cheap in Russia. We are animals huddled against our own dead, trying to keep warm.”

Ivanov said he is happy to receive his meager winnings: a ration of airplane fuel and Alliluyev’s remaining bullets.

“I will live to see another horrifying day at the hands of this Russian mafia,” he said. “Today is good day in Russia. Praise Putin! May he reign eternally!”

Ivanov will move on to the finals Sunday where he alone will play before a crowd of at least two dozen people, using a fully loaded revolver. If he wins the next round, he will ascend to the rank of regional god-king, and take his throne next to Soviet Tsar Vladimir Putin.

“All god-kings are made this way,” Jacobs said.

Viewers using DSL internet (or faster), can click the play button below to hear the official announcement declaring Ivanov the winner.

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