Author: hatesec

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Technology

New Microsoft boss did “so much” cocaine prior to Windows 10 announcement: “We’re skipping 9″

“I did THIS MUCH cocaine.” — New MS boss Satya Nadella announced at a business event that he can not feel his hands

In an unprecedented act of self-hatred, Microsoft has announced it will distance itself from the hilariously bad Windows 8 by refusing to name the next build generation Windows 9.

“Windows 10 will be so fucking badass,” a visibly AMPED Terry Myerson, head of the operating systems group, told the audience. “It would be pretty fucked up to call it Windows 9. Is it hot in here to you?”

The company said users were hesitant to click big empty tiles that only took them to websites to buy software and media content, which was of course loaded onto the “real” Windows experience, with the taskbar on the bottom of the screen and the Windows button, prompting many to question why there were tiles at all.

“We tried to get people to click on Tiles and buy stuff to put in their tiles but nobody wanted that shit. It was patronizing, ugly, and very fucking pointless,” a totally psyched Satya Nadella, new Microsoft boss, said. “I mean, Jesus Christ, how are you guys not burning up in this heat?”

“All the even numbered Windows builds suck, and all the odd-numbered builds did very well,” Nadella said. “So in light of the miserable, ass-sucking failure that is Microsoft Windows 8, we hope to recover from our missteps by skipping Windows 9 altogether and going straight to 10. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s how much cocaine I just did. Now for fuck’s sake, will someone turn on the god damn AC?”

Comments:

asshurtmacfags:
fucking AMPED
sweating like a BOSS

hatesec:
I can see that guy doing coke in his underwear
talkin about how AWESOME Windows 9 is gonna be.
and then it comes to him
“Dude, you know what? Fuck it.”
“What Satya?”
“Just, fuck it. Get this: Windows *10*.”
and the room explodes into a roar
people get on the phone ordering more 8 balls
everybody’s got their faces down on the table
Windows 10, my fucking sweet GOD

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Local Status Quo

Comcast deploys military police to Ferguson, MO

The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

In an unprecedented display of power, the telcom giant Comcast has stationed a battery of private paramilitary forces around the insurrecting township of Ferguson, MO.

The industry giant’s spokesman, Jeremy Malestrong, said the need for intervention became apparent when existing customer service measures proved insufficient to quell the bubbling uprising.

The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

“The free market has a solution for Ferguson,” Malestrong said. “State and local customer service representatives armed with tanks, teargas and M-16s are not enough if the agents are unwilling to use them. Our Comcastic death squads will ensure the kind of customer service Comcast users are accustomed to by restoring stability to the region and answering Ferguson citizen complaints, all – and I mean all – of whom are loyal Comcast customers.”

Malestrong said privatized oppression is the next logical step of customer satisfaction, adding that the coming merger with Time Warner Cable could offer a direct solution to the problem of choice.[pullquote]There will be only one source of Internet: us!

Comcast representative[/pullquote]

“After the merger, our customers will no longer be forced into the uncomfortable decision of choosing where to go for the best Internet,” Malestrong said. “There will be only one source of Internet: us!”

Lieutenant Harry Coinpurse of the Ferguson County branch of Comcast customer service issued a press release stating that with the arrival of paramilitary hate forces, the Ferguson Police Department is free to return to the day-to-day police work of pulling over black people and asking where they’re headed.

“By way of the marriage of neoliberalism and socialized oppression,” Coinpurse stated, “we are proud to announce the dispersal of ALL dissatisfied Comcast customers, and will be expanding the curfew to include daytime hours so that you are safer indoors and have more time to spend on your secure, not-at-all monitored Comcast high speed Internet featuring 99.9% uptime.”*

Ferguson residents have issued a slew of responses to their reiterated enslavement ranging from satisfied, to very satisfied. In a survey at the end of the call, at least half of respondents said they would recommend Comcast Systematic Oppression of Justice to a friend.

*Conditions may apply; does not pertain to the entire Internet, and especially not to internetchronicle.org/.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Hate Uncontrollable Patriotism

Police ‘Desperately Outgunned’ by Nonviolent Criminals, ‘Obama Study’ Shows

Roanoke County Va. police officers cower behind one of only four humvees.
Roanoke County Va. police officers cower behind one of only four humvees.
Roanoke County Va. police officers cower behind one of only four humvees, and await public insurrection.
Roanoke County Va. police officers cower behind one of only four humvees, and await public insurrection.

WASHINGTON – Raped by images of rioters menacing barely-armed peace officers, President Barack Obama received results from a comprehensive review of the Department of Defense program which hands down military-grade equipment to police departments in need.

What the study found was concerning: Obama said the shocking results of his study revealed police departments are not receiving enough decommissioned body armor, mine-resistant trucks, flashbang hand grenades and silencers, and forces nationwide are “desperately low” on illegal fully automatic rifles.

Executive of Freedom James Clapper said the findings deliver a staggering blow to police forces across the country operating in a culture of growing intimidation and fear.

“We’re taking their legs right out from under them,” Clapper said in a statement. “Without the advanced weaponry they need, our boys in blue are powerless to overcome ecstasy and pot dealers poisoning our youth from behind their videogames and Led Zeppelin regalia.”

Clapper said police forces are unable to escalate many situations beyond baseline paranoid hostility.

“Just the other day, one of our men went in without a gas mask and lost his bearings in a cloud of marijuana smoke. He couldn’t even shoot a dog that was asleep on the rug, threatening the safety of our fellow officers.”

Clapper concluded that “more guns, not less” is the only way to satisfy “a police officer’s natural bloodlust and desire to kill,” without the added responsibility of proper training and moral integrity.

Chief of Roanoke Police Department Rambo H. Atesic said his officers are dragging their knuckles around like apes, beating their chests in a savage display of impotent rage, setting up daytime checkpoints just to menace motorists in 5 o’clock traffic.

“Roanoke, Virginia just placed 1,000 package orders of midnight-black flak jackets, ski masks, rape sticks and explosive hollow-point rounds that spray awesome radioactive sand all over a crowd of demonstrators,” Atesic said. “So naturally, they’re itching to use it. Hell, I can’t fucking wait to shoot a dog, let alone some meaningless colored person.”

Atesic’s pupils dilated as wide as the iris, and a tiny flame flickered behind his hollow gaze.

“Our boys’ dicks are harder than Donkey Kong and there’s others that need oppressing,” Atesic surmounted. “Don’t take their guns away right when they need them the most. No sir, boys. We got a war to win. Now get out of my face with your camera, before I fucking kill you.”