Category: News

Today, Lulz Security announced plans to compromise the overall security of PayPal, Inc are underway. In a panic, consumers have begun to withdraw their funds to invest in food, gold, and survival supplies.

A stand-in spokesperson for LulzSec said the group hopes to garner personal information from the upcoming hack of the world’s most popular paysite. The motive for the planned data breach was not immediately clear, but internal sources at PayPal hold that old Whitman appointees participate in open communications about bestiality and the trading of child pornography.

However, analysts have suggested that LulzSec are shifting the dreaded Lulz Cannon to the PayPal accounts of millions in a last-ditch effort to gain as much funding for future Anonymous operations as possible before they are all arrested.

In a leaked document from US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Clinton suggests LulzSec is tied with Hamas and Al-Qaeda. Sabu stated that he is in no way tied to Islamic terror, despite the use of the Hamas insignia as his Twitter icon. Clinton said Sabu is also known for keeping photos of Hamas founder Sheikh Ahmed Yassin on his bathroom walls, where he neither urinates nor defecates, but “goes number 3.”

Cyber-activists have targeted PayPal in December over its complicit behavior in the suppression of WikiLeaks and Julian Assange. Fearing the kind of attacks LulzSec now promises, PayPal began working closely with Federal investigators two days after the first DDoS attacks.

In retaliation for December’s PayPal attacks – which were themselves retaliatory – the FBI is raiding every home matching the IPs found on a list of tens of thousands handed over to them by Radware, PayPal’s security firm and professional narcs.

Financial adviser Ricky Munichs, from the Chronicle Institute of Monetary Law said, “Until someone acts, the police state continues to protect PayPal from its own inhumane actions. For anyone interested in justice FOIA and politicians can’t bring, this is a godsend.”

LulzSec reported to us in an exclusive interview that this new attack will be vastly different, as the “Lulz Boat, with her upgraded armaments, is full steam ahead and docks tonight, among the unwatched ports on the shores of PayPal.”

Anders Breivik and th3j35t3r are both extremely conservative Islamophobic terrorists, willing to target any groups who enable or promote acceptance of Islam. On Tuesday, th3j35t3r attacked web sites and Twitter accounts belonging to Lulz Security in his never-ending struggle against Islamic jihad. Like Breivik’s attack on the campers at Utoeya, th3j35t3r has since explained this action by linking LulzSecurity.com with the spread of Islam.

DDoS attacks infringe on the fundamental human right to a free internet and can only be justified through the same twisted ideology that led Anders Breivik to kill nearly 100 campers at a youth retreat for the Labor Party of Norway. That is, the publicity Breivik and th3j35t3r hope to garner for their cause justifies their horrifying actions.

Another similarity between Breivik and th3j35t3r are their laughable and lavish methods. Breivik spent thousands of Euros equipping his rifle with a red-dot sight, high-end clips, a custom stock, specialized rounds and even poison to inject in the bullet tips. In all likelihood, th3j35t3r spends thousands of dollars on computer equipment he believes is necessary to carry out his attacks. We have every reason to believe that th3j35t3r is in fact a Mac user. After each DDoS attack, th3j35t3r treats himself to a three course meal in a high class restaurant as Breivik did during each stage of his bomb-making.

Breivik was also an admitted steroid addict, using the drugs to keep his morale up. He often lifted weights and wrote of his improving physical condition. It does not take a large stretch of the imagination to envision th3j35t3r, in the midst of a DDoS, lifting weights and injecting himself with a cocktail of steroids and testosterone.

Breivik enjoyed World of Warcraft, but it is more likely that th3j35t3r only plays Call of Duty, seeing as he’s an ex-marine. In all likelihood, th3j35t3r has killed more Muslims than Breivik, although each supporter of multiculturalism killed by Breivik counts as only 1/3 Muslim.