Category: Health

Your rotting body

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Report: Dan K. Back in Town

YOURTOWN, US–After a recent independent investigation, it has come to our attention here at the Times that Dan K., a known pal to many locals, has indeed returned to the area.


For the past several months, Dan K.(whose last name is unknown but certainly begins with ‘K’) has been missing from the vicinity, leaving friends to consider social alternatives. Although no details are known of his mysterious departure, local residents are no doubt thrilled, and rightfully so, to learn of K.’s safe return.


Friend of the EW Times (and, of course, Dan. K), Travis Parcha, 23, had nothing but kind words to offer. “It’s [nice to him see doing] pretty good stuff [with his life].” Parcha then commented on the character of Mr. K. “[He’s] not seedy at all.”

Parcha, seen here, the last time he enjoyed quality time with Dan K.


Acquaintances agree that Dan should be around town for at least a few months, if not longer. In the event that he disappears again unexpectedly, Yourtown citizens can rest easy, knowing that they can always consort with Sherman Wag, a distant cousin of K. who’s really only fun to hang out with in large doses.

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Health Local

Diet Advice from Doctor Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Dr. Angstrom H. TroubedaurHey, what’s up fellow Dudes! So totally check this new diet I’ve worked out for the modern man. I even did some math and stuff to make sure it’s completely healthy.

  1. First thing’s first-drink a TON of energy drinks. The caffeine really kicks your metabolism up a notch!
  2. To cancel out all those nasty carbs make sure to fast at least once a week for at least 10 hours. It’s easier than you think, if you just get in a real lazy mindset.
  3. Every now and then it is totally okay to completely gorge yourself on food way more than you should. You know what I mean.
  4. Beer=Yummy for your Tummy

– BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOUR FRIENDS AT LEBAL DROCER INCORPORATED –

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Health Law Local Local News Politics Uncontrollable Patriotism

Snitch Ass Cops Bust Marijuana Martyrs

WILMINGTON–Several college students at UNCW were arrested for doing some things that don’t even exist, that is, ‘intent to manufacture marijuana.’ Police Chief Entirely Fictional explained, “They were trying to assemble all these amino acids, cellulose, and water, trying to recreate marijuana from the ground up. Of course, this is entirely impossible and illegal.” He went on to tell reporters at The EWT that they will be slapped across the wrists by public officials, figuratively, and then crucified by community service. The community is busy congratulating itself on how great it is.

Every student who bought marijuana from these kids benefited in mind and body by choosing not to wreck their brain, their memory, their liver, and their entire digestive system with a case of cheap beer. Instead, they took one puff of the good stuff and ate some Flaming Amy’s. Undercover Officer Rick Deckard said “Every time I bust a stoner, I tell myself, ‘they’re just androids,’ but I know they really contain a conscious mind, albeit different from my own.” Of course, since Rick is just a character from Blade Runner, all undercover cops who made a buck off of marijuana are no better than the students involved.

UNCW remains a campus full of mostly-drunken raving morons who are glad to see the harmless punished because of minor disagreements about recreational drug use. The state attorney’s office has issued marijuana possession charges to all people stating an opposing position because that is enough evidence. All such cases are already closed, defendants guilty, and Sheriffs busy collecting the convicts.