Category: Technology

Tractor beams, microwaves, LHC, ring go stargates, and your mother’s “back massager”

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Categories
Science Technology

Smartphones "overtake" humanity

Google has unveiled the Nexus One, a $500 purchase that will make life so easy it will continue to carry out daily communication functions for users "months" after they have died.  The Nexus One has incredible new features that will be sure to destroy all competition, allowing Google to continue to overlord the internet.

"The average user is not as smart as the Nexus One" according to Gary Schmidt, CEO of Google. The implications are not clear, however Elf Wax analysts are reviewing the film "Terminator" and can no longer sleep due to overwhelming fear.

internetchronicle.org/ has gotten its hands on a brand new Nexus One. The Smartphone will be writing a review of itself as soon as it gains full administrative privileges over our web servers.

Google-Nexus-One-002
  • “Feel” screen, which allows users to feel the soft skin of a sxt from a teen
  • 12PeV particle accelerator enables users to conduct ground-breaking particle physics and possibly destroy the universe
  • 720p video camera is capable of capturing oppression and bloodshed in startling HD quality
  • 24/7 Voice recognition is programmed to relay transcripts of all conversations to Google and the US government
  • 1.2 Terabytes of Flash memory storage theoretically exceeds that of the human brain

Not to be confused with the Protoss Nexus, Google’s Nexus One is currently incapable of opening rifts in space-time in order to summon troops from across the galaxy.  However, retired Lucasian Professor of Mathematics Stephen Hawking has stated that this Smartphone is likely capable of such advanced functions. “There’s just not an app for it yet.”

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Categories
Technology World

Newest iPhone app makes terrorism simpler

The newest iPhone app, released by iJihad, al-Qaeda’s software development team, has caused a stir in the Middle East.  Now with the touch of a few buttons, a would-be shoe bomber can now send any modern airliner hurtling out of the air.  The app, known as “Allah Akbar”  is so popular among terrorists that downloads have temporarily overwhelmed iJihad software servers.

This device is now a Weapon of Mass Destruction
This device is now a Weapon of Mass Destruction

“Jihad has always been a struggle, but thanks to the efforts of our programmers, one tech-savvy Mujaheddin can do the work of 9 highly trained box cutter wielding psychos. With their own device, we will undo the fabric of Western society and replace it with the will of Allah.”

Allah Akbar features incognito “behind the scenes” operation to elude detection, a direct touch-screen firing capability, and an MP3 file that will automate the final cry of victory, “Allah Akbar!”  But this is not all that makes iJihad’s Allah Akbar controversial. It is the program’s deliberate marketing to young Muslims in poor Middle Eastern villages.

Dial 911 for great victory
Dial 911 for great victory

“They are selling this app to idealistic young men who will probably never see an airplane unless it’s dropping bombs on them from 30,000 feet. It’s not fair that they should be spending their hard earned opium farming money on worthless apps that make them ‘feel’ more like a terrorist.  These young men need AK47s and ammo, not iPhones and apps that do all the terrorizing for them.”

Early skepticism is normal in the technophobic Middle East, but results are expected soon.  Younger radicals have expressed overwhelming support for further development of even more dangerous versions of the same software.

“I hope that in the future iJihad can create an app that will be able to one day hijack an airplane and crash it into monuments at the touch of a button, Allah willing.”

UPDATE:

An inordinate amount of airliners have begun to fall all over the Middle East, causing untold damage to already bombed-out cities in Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, and Israel.

One Pakistani reviewer said of Allah Akbar’s main feature, “While I was at work, a 747 crashed into my house, causing untold loss, including our family dog and my youngest wife. After suffering a most collapsing grief, I stopped, dried my eyes and thought, ‘Finally, an iPhone that does something useful!’ They should start calling this thing the iPwn.”

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Categories
Technology

Pirates awash with Windows 7 theft orgy

lol what
Users are queuing up around the Internet in droves of thousands to pirate Microsoft’s highly-anticipated Windows 7.

“I heard it’s supposed to be really good,” said blogsite NobodyReadsMe.com.

An internet pirate downloads pre-sell-out Bob Dylan for FREE (and you can too!)
An internet pirate downloads pre-sell-out Bob Dylan for FREE (and you can too!) because that motherfucker has all the money he needs selling Pepsi products

Many internet pirates already got a jump start on activation keys, with seeders exseeding eight thousand. It’s difficult to say how many pre-activated copies of the operating system are going around, but estimates based on a google search indicate roughly tens of thousands of illegal copies are in circulation – and they”validate,” meaning they still receive important Microsoft Updates (NSA backdoor spying modules, malware, updates to Microsoft’s overwatch ability, etc.). In China, a notorious hotbed of free and open, Democratic piracy, users are complaining that piracy still “isn’t free enough,” citing the need for a PC to run an operating system.

“I just wish computers were free too.” – Xiang Winow

Know your source: privy pirates don't let this happen
Know your source, like every good pirate

Most n00bs believe Windows 7 will cost $99 retail. However, those who are remotely familiar with computers will know better than to throw money at China through a store and opt for the free version, found anywhere online.

Many users are downloading Windows 7 because they felt so burned after paying for Vista.

“Vista sucked.”

-everybody

Elf Wax Analytical Laboratories expect open-source operating system software to eventually surpass the usefulness of any Capitalist endeavor within the next two years. Unfortunately, Bill Gates already has so much money that it isn’t going to hurt him in any one way.

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