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Alex Jones Compound Under Siege

Wednesday Photo of Genesis Communications Network Compound: File

MOUNT CARMEL, TEXAS –Alex Jones, famous shock-jock and gun enthusiast responsible for popularizing Waco conspiracies, found his compound under siege after a brief, but violent, confrontation with local police. After recently claiming to own over 500 assault weapons on-air, police responding to a noise complaint decided to take extra precautions for their safety, kicking down Jones’ door with fully automatic assault weapons. Witnesses disagree about what happened, but both Mr. Jones and a police officer were grievously wounded in the exchange.

Mr. Jones, holding his many wives and children hostage, continues to broadcast the first of many revelations considering the true nature of the Illuminati, Bilderbergs, Bohemian Grove, chemtrails, 9/11, and other folk tales which explain away the collective guilt of America.

Meanwhile, Jones has been accused of rape in Sweden, and Interpol has issued a red notice for his arrest. Jones has brought his many wives on air to talk about their perfectly happy sex lives, extolling the many holistic benefits of the kind and gentle touch of Alex Jones. “People, this smear campaign is just the beginning. This is Waco, this is 9/11, this is Ruby Ridge. Wake up, people!”

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Obama Gun Plan Will “Combat Mass Shootings”

Obama background checks to predetermine likelihood of buyers shooting up a school

Joe Biden
WASHINGTON–Joe Biden attempts to pacify several interest groups.

Vice President Joe Biden introduced a gun plan Thursday that he said will curb mass shootings.

Stan Milton, lead designer for the Obama plan, said the plan will institute software designed to comb through buyers’ histories, cross-referencing prior instances of gun-related crimes against humanity.

“With the right technology, we could even arrest buyers based on crimes they’re most likely to commit.”

The government is doing anything it can to demonstrate to the American public they are at least willing to pass impotent legislation designed to stem the attention of 24-hour news cycles.

“It’s an initiative like nothing I’ve ever seen this week,” said television viewer Christina Robinson, a 33 year old housewife and mother of two.

Milton said the scope of the Obama plan goes above and beyond background checks. If Congress adopts the federal initiative, he said, certain guns and components will become illegal, such as the part of the gun designed to point automatically in the direction of children.

“No longer will gun traders be permitted to sell weapons with child murdering technology preinstalled. Without these components, American guns can not be pointed at children.”

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Federal Government Revokes 2nd Amendment Rights

Alex Jones on Piers MorganWashington–In a controversial ruling, the US Supreme Court has decided to take guns away from the general public until they are mature enough to talk about them on TV without yelling and name calling.

Americans have been ordered to leave their guns on top of their refrigerators, or a high enough place where they can’t reach it or see.

“If they don’t see it for long enough, they’re just going to forget about it and move on,” said MIT behavioral psychologist Angstrom H. Troubadour. “It’s out of sight, out of mind. They’ll go on to the next wedge issue. But for right now, the only thing that’s out sight is the price of a solid AR-15!”

Americans witnessed Alex Jones screaming at Piers Morgan last week, and reacted either by apprehensively petting their revolvers on their hips, or applauding Morgan, who did not raise his voice during the sound bites repeatedly broadcast on TV and the Internet.

By court order, Alex Jones was supervised Thursday locking his guns in a cabinet before handing over the keys to ATF agents standing by.

“Those guns,” Judge Meador said, who presided over the case, “will stay locked up until Americans learn to conduct themselves like adults. Sure, any stubborn asshole can shoot off his guns, there’s no questioning that. Just look at Aurora, look at Connecticut! It’s the freedom of speech which Americans can’t bother to point straight.”