WASHINGTON–Friday morning, President Obama held a press conference at the White House and declared a “war on school shootings,” naming former CIA director David Petraeus his administration’s “School Shooting Czar.” Rather than placing armed guards in schools, Petraeus unveiled a plan that will employ missile-toting predator drones for school defense.

Petraeus, speaking at the press conference, said, “We are a nation at war. Never again will we tolerate these senseless school shootings.”  Critics of the new homeland drone program, dubbed “Operation Guardian,” have warned that collateral damage will mean hundreds of more deaths for schoolchildren. Petraeus, annoyed, told the press “We cannot stand idly by and let these school shootings go on without a swift and brutal answer. We have taken all possible precautions to minimize collateral damage, but this is a war.”

Details of “Operation Vigilant” included plans for a centralized network of security cameras in all schools, which will be in place by early 2014, as well as an intensive data-mining program to monitor the entire internet for threats of school violence.

DETROIT–In 1998, the Insane Clown Posse sold over 1 million albums and the world did not come to an end, but rather passed an inflection point. As foretold innacuratley by the Book of the SubGenius (forget the church–it is a scam like all other churches),  this was, in the exaggerated Mayan Apocalypse sense, just the end of an age and the beginning of a new one.

Adopting the horrific postmodern bent of the SubGenius, the Insane Clown Posse infantilized the idea of an irreverent church in order to appeal to to the largest possible audience. The highest member of the industrial church, J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, renounced his position and declared martial law. All pensions were seized and benefits revoked. Thousands of SubGenii have been laid off from reverse-proselytizing, and the elderly are beginning to die off without their Diabetes equipment. The next level of irreligion must be an order of magnitude more ironic, which isn’t ironic at all. Irony has been despoiled permanently by the bozo cult, and the once-dead “Bob” is being murdered repeatedly, every single femtosecond. Not only that, but there are trillions of “Bob”s, or likely more, each disagreeing entirely with the next.

The bozos have even taken over google.