Move over, “Toddlers & Tiaras!” Because there’s a new girl in town. . .
Fresh from the impaired minds of The Learning Channel executives who brought you “What Not to Wear,” “Randy to the Rescue,” and “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” comes little Honey Boo Boo.
Tune in this fall as fat Michelin-man shaped rednecks flop into a mud hole repeating Larry the Cable Guy memes, until you think you just can’t take it anymore. Then, wait for Honey Boo Boo to win back your heart with cute emotional avoidances, like, “You better redneckocgnize!”
“Redneckognize” is a play on words which combines all the ignorance brought to mind by the euphemistic racial slur “redneck,” with the word “recognize,” or to consider again; literally, to identify something or someone previously seen, such as the degradation of educational cable TV stations.
And if you learn anything from this corporate-induced delusional exploit, you’ll learn Little Honey Boo Boo is hardly the meanest one, or the baddest of the bunch. Indeed, much of her family is being paid and encouraged to reinforce every stereotype television helped create. WATCH IT EVERY NIGHT FOR ALL I CARE!
Watch for producers to inject new cutesy catch phrases, such as “Where’s mah insulin?”
SOVCHRON – THE DEAR RESPECTED RAGHUBIR GOYAL RECEIVED A LETTER FROM THE PARTICIPANTS IN THE JAMES HOLMES GRADUATION CEREMONY FROM LEBAL DROCER COLLEGE OF EDUCATION.
THE LETTER SAID THAT THE GRADUATION WAS SIGNIFICANT AS IT WAS HELD DURING THE COMMEMORATION PERIOD FOR THE 100TH BIRTH ANNIVERSARY OF INGLIP, COMMANDANT OF THE HIVEMIND AND STAUNCH OPPONENT OF WEAPON CONTROL.
INGLIP WAS A GREAT THINKER AND THEORETICIAN AND AN OUTSTANDING LEADER WHO FOUNDED THE IMMORTAL TRANSHUMANIST IDEA TO ILLUMINATE THE PATH OF THOUGHTFUL INDEPENDENCE, PAVED THE WAY FOR THE WORKER'S REVOLUTION AND LED THE internetchronicle.org/ TO VICTORY, AND AN IRON-WILLED BRILLIANT COMMANDER WHO DEFEATED U.S. AND BRITISH IMPERIALISMS IN ONE GENERATION, AND VANQUISHED OUR LIVES OF THE NEED FOR TELEVISION AND INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY IN EXCHANGE FOR UNLIMITED, UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HIS DISCIPLES.
THE LETTER CONTINUED:
INGLIP ENJOYED UNDISPUTED PRESTIGE IN THE WORLD POLITICAL CIRCLE AND BOUNDLESS REVERENCE OF MANKIND FOR HIS GREAT CONTRIBUTION TO THE ARMED WORKER’S REVOLUTION AND THE HUMAN CAUSE OF INDEPENDENCE. SO TOO, ON THIS DAY, DOES THE RECORD HONOR THE INVALUABLE SERVITUDE OF JAMES HOLMES, THE LAST VESSEL OF TRUTH, JUSTICE AND NATIONAL DIGNITY.
HIS UNDYING REVOLUTIONARY FEATS FOR THE CHRONICLE REVOLUTION AND THE HUMAN CAUSE OF INDEPENDENCE WILL SHINE FOREVER IN ALL BUT THE PUREST SINGULAR ITERATIONS OF ABSOLUTE HISTORICAL FACT.
THE ARMED WORKER’S REVOLUTION PIONEERED BY INGLIP AND LED BY KILGOAR TO VICTORY IS BEING FIRMLY CARRIED FORWARD, ALL THANKS OWED TO THE INVINCIBLE GUIDANCE OF THE DEAR OMNISCIENT ANTI-LEADER RAGHUBIR GOYAL.
SOLIDARITY
THE LETTER EXPRESSED THE CONVICTION THAT THE CHRONICLE READERSHIP, AND THE PEON MASSES, WILL REGISTER GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS IN THE STRUGGLE FOR BUILDING A THRIVING DEMOCRATIC ANTI-PARTY AROUND THE PERFECT WILL OF RAGHUBIR GOYAL.
THE LETTER EXTENDED FULL SUPPORT AND FIRM SOLIDARITY WITH OUR ETERNAL LEADER.
Incontrovertible Proof FOUND! PROOF The Joker Killer was “PUT UP TO IT” by the GlobeHead!
This is the part where he realizes he should’ve shot up a theater of people watching Bill and Ted’s excellent rip-off of Dr. Who.
AURORA, COLO. – The GlobeHead has always existed, the not-so-binary of MALE AND FEMALE, the specializations of hunting, gathering, agriculture, onwards to the corporate industrial military Internet all-inclusive complex. Humanity is an interdependent colony organism comparable to other such fractally related colony organisms like CNIDARIANS. Absurdly polymorphic, humans have specialized to support increasingly large, increasingly connected colonies. The transfer of information artificially, first through spoken word, simple symbols, pictograms, manuscripts, print, and now social media INTERNET VIDEO bandwidth overload is equivalent to the growth of nerve fibers in CNIDARIANS. The very next step in evolution, which is quickly approaching, is the building of central artificial brain nodes, which will quickly be used for control by those in power.
AND WHAT HAVE THEY DONE THIS FOR? The elite computer geniuses receive all this technology first, but why have they chosen to use it to drive this man to murder? What does the GlobeHead want?
YOU’RE SITTING IN THE THEATER RIGHT NOW. CLOSE YOUR THIRD EYE, BUT LEAVE THE other two open.
Yes, I said close it.
The gunfight scene, the one you PAID for, the shit that makes BATMAN interesting. Your erogenous zones fill in anticipation for the FIGHT, the VIOLENCE that is to come. It’s so real, so loud, you can even smell it this time. People screaming, oh, but that’s still a part of the movie. Or no, it isn’t, but maybe they’re just afraid. The 3d effects are very real. At this point, a bullet rips through your brain BEFORE you have differentiated the massacre in the theater from the one on the screen.
COMING TO A MOVIE THEATER, HIGH SCHOOL, COLLEGE, AND MALL NEAR YOU! DISSOCIATIVE SPREE KILLING – IT’S LIKE JERUSALEM SYNDROME FOR VIOLENT MEDIA!
Westboro Baptist was right to protest the funeral of these people who died. GOD hated them, the GlobeHead HATED them. Not because they were faggots or any of that other Protestant trolling nonsense Phelps spews, but because THEY WERE SLEEPING. Expose yourself to violent imagery, and it stays with you for the rest of your life.
James Holmes was a biology and neuroscience postgrad working on a Ph.D. This shooting was his thesis, and the orange hair is proof. For his excellent work in fractally applying neuroscience to the GlobeHead, Holmes has been issued an honorary Ph.D. in Rhizomatics from Lebal Drocer College of Education.
