Pepsi, Snowden, MH17 and the sanctions that will soon take away many Russian’s favorite drink
INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden unveiled that Pepsi executives bribed NSA overseers for information from several discount shopping card programs and facebook emotional manipulation experiments in order to convert Coke drinkers to Pepsi products. Snowden said, “This is only the surface of emotional manipulation by Pepsi, and they may even employ drink additives in some markets to tinker with the emotions of drinkers. One thing is very important to know: Don’t drink Pepsi.”
Snowden was seen drinking a Coke over his live feed into HOPE X, a conference where utopian technofetishists converge to discuss the beautiful future that awaits us all. The whistleblower smiled and flashed the Coke logo on his can, winking to audiences before taking a satisfying swig of the healthy, mind-control additive-free beverage.
Some critics believe that Snowden may be under the thumb of the Russian government, as Russia is the largest foreign market for Pepsi, which is seen both as a powerful instrument of western imperialism and of cultural influence. Dr. Markov Leninovski, economic analyst from the University of Moscow, said, “Snowden has shown his hand by going after the place where the latest round of sanctions will hurt Russians the most. Russian people love Pepsi, but after the downing of Malaysia Airlines flight 17, sanctions will soon make the addiction hard to afford.”
As the Israeli occupation and subjugation of decadent hedons in Palestine continues, young excited Jewish-Americans lined the streets of every major American city this weekend to show their unwavering support for the Zionist state.
On a day typically reserved for reflections on America’s puritan foundation, fanatical Zionists – per tradition – celebrated our nation’s independence by calling for Palestinian extermination.
“Independence comes in many forms,” Benji Benjamin said, an eight year old Ohio native marching up the streets of Manhattan. “I think the Palestinians, for their own good, might be better off wiped off the map. It will, at the least, free up some space in the budget, which is important to many third graders I know.”
Mr. Benjamin was in New York City on his way to board a flight for his birthright trip, a rite-of-brainwash for most Jewish Americans.
Tensions have never been higher between Israelis and Palestinians as crime within the Holy Land has seen a sharp spike in the last week. In part, this dramatic flux can be contributed to the recent kidnapping of three Israeli youth, the bombing of Palestinian children before that, the Palestinian rocket attack on a local Regional Council before that, an Israeli raid on an aid ship en route to the Gaza Strip before that, Hitler’s Final Solution, the Israelites murdering Moses, and God’s supreme fuck-up by promising land rights to chosen religious groups in the first place.
Angstrom H. Truedaberg, the Chronicle’s resident schlemiel, said, “These folks are expressing their right to exist. Many-a-Mensch took to the streets on this July 4th. I’m proud to be a part of such a peaceful, compassionate movement like Liberal Zionism.”
The United States has historically had nothing but support for the Zionist movement, rightly shunning the legitimate concerns of the residents of the occupied West Bank and Gaza Strip. However, many hard-knocked Zionists view the current administration’s attitudes towards the Jewish State as not supportive enough.
“Sure, Barack ‘Roof-Knock’ Nobama has increased funding to Israel’s military to $3 billion and denied Palestinian statehood, but why does he stay silent on the real issue: the savage barbarianism of the Arab, in general?” a beautiful Aryan editor at a local college newspaper said, speaking on the condition of anonymity so as not to expose her fucking stupidity.
“Is it because he himself is a Moslem?” she asked. “Is it because he was born in Kenya? Which almost borders Iran? Cuba? Hitler? The President must be forced to answer these types of questions.”
At the time of publication, the White House commented, “Look, it’s Ramadan. Give our Pres a minute. Can’t solve ethnic tensions on an empty stomach!”
[pullquote]Cruisin by the River
N you know I’m straight clownin
On you fuckin bitches
And on you fuckin hoes
Step in the club
And you know I’m chose
[/pullquote]INTERNET — Deric Lostutter, also known as KYAnonymous (KY refers to Kentucky, Lostutter’s “Anonymous” home state), starred as hero of a “Strange Saga” featured in Rolling Stone, but the saga is sensational drivel, unanimously derided by Anons who claim Lostutter cannot even hack. Worse, the story has made an “Anti-Rape” hero out of a typical misogynist, and it’s been optioned for a movie by Brad Pitt’s production company.
The Rolling Stone article claims that Lostutter is facing more prison time than the rapists he clamed to expose, although no charges have been officially filed against him and he is still “awaiting indictment.” In the meantime, Lostutter raised over $50,000 dollars for his legal defense, bought a Harley, and waved around stacks of Benjamins on Facebook.
The latest “strange” development in Lostutter’s saga is a rape accusation from an ex-girlfriend. Not only does the accusation imply statutory rape, but also the less acknowledged kind of rape endemic to abusive relationships. Lostutter has responded to these accusations by threatening to sue his ex-girlfriend as well as deploying his one “hacking” skill: doxing. He linked his fans to her adult-themed webcam site and unveiled her name as well as her child’s name, the kind of heroic anti-rape activism that get one’s story told in Rolling Stone.
