Author: billywalshe

Categories
Society

Woman seeks boyfriend on popular dating website

Elena Gendsworth is single and looking for a man who will not expect sex too soon.
Elena Gendsworth is single and looking for a man who will not expect sex too soon.

INTERNET — “I’m not looking for sex,” said Elena Gendsworth, 25. “And I’ve been cheated on before, so don’t message me unless you’re an honest person. Just so you know, I want to be friends first before anything else so please don’t expect anything too soon.”

Elena Gendsworth’s dating profile has attracted attention from hundreds, if not thousands, of local single men. According to her profile, Elena enjoys “the Twilight series, Dr. Who (David Tennant <3) and Mexican food.”

Gendsworth described herself in detail, saying, “I am a free spirit, and I believe life is for living. I am curvy and proud of it so if you don’t like that please don’t message me. I’m a total nerd too. I’m also a hopeless romantic and have had a lot of bad relationships with cheaters. My last three boyfriends cheated on me and I don’t want that to happen again. Every time I go out to a bar men try to hit on me, so that’s why I’ve joined this site.”

Gendsworth is looking for a specific kind of man who she describes as, “tall, handsome, and packing at least thirty five pounds of muscle.” Elena added, “Sorry guys, but that’s just how I am. Size does matter. I’m not racist, but I definitely prefer white men.”

Reporters attempted to contact Elena through the dating site, but she did not respond. An anonymous local man who claims to have dated Elena Gendsworth said, “Don’t be fooled by the way she’s angled her photos to make herself look better. They’re also a few years old, and she’s put on a ton since then.”

Categories
Obituaries

Joe Rogan Dead at 46

Joe Rogan died from a DMT overdose on Sunday morning.
Joe Rogan died from a DMT overdose on Sunday morning.

INTERNET — Joe Rogan, host of the Joe Rogan Experience podcast, accomplished mixed martial artist and comedian, died tragically from a DMT overdose on Sunday.

Rogan was an outspoken advocate for the use of psychedelic drugs as entheogens, or substances which are used specifically to trigger mystic or transcendent experiences. However, Wikipedia and the news media incorrectly framed Rogan as promoting “recreational” use of drugs, leading some to draw a connection between this misrepresentation and the overdose which followed.

Rogan described himself as an “open-minded skeptic,” and investigated a wide variety of fringe or “conspiracy” subjects. Critic and conspiracy expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador once pointed out, “Rogan’s investigative purpose, to weigh in on whether a conspiracy theory is ‘real’ or ‘crazy’ relies on the outdated assumption that a human can access a universal truth. Joe has denied holding this belief when speaking of his experiences on DMT, but he doesn’t seem to inhabit it fully. Rogan is a chemtrail denier, for instance, but also admits that ‘real’ chemtrails are the everyday pollution from burnt jet fuel. He refuses to give any merit to the idea that chemtrails are part of a slow genocide or weather control scheme perpetrated by a secret cabal. Through this myth, and I don’t mean ‘myth’ in the sense of a lie but rather a useful story, chemtrail conspiracists are able to endlessly cultivate an appropriate level of alarm on the topics of pollution and climate change. Just like Joe, one of the most important realizations I’ve had from DMT trips is that symbols should not be interpreted as signs referencing ‘reality’ or God and that ultimately there is no access to ‘reality’ to begin with — there are only symbols which act as an interface between God and the self for the mystic, or God and the community as in organized religion. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong — that kind of language is totally outdated and tells us very little about what it purportedly describes.”

Grieving family members have disbursed Rogan’s estate to fighter Anderson Silva in hopes that Silva’s shin might be repaired so he can return to the octagon. Silva’s gruesome injury has caused mixed martial artists to question the safety of the Muay Thai shin kick just as the “push kick” or “elliptical kick” cribbed from Wing Chun has gained an increased popularity among fighters. Rather than causing career ending injuries to the practitioner, the push kick has hyper-extended the knees of several mixed martial artists unfortunate enough to wind up on the receiving end of the devastating technique.

Categories
News

Sue Brasko Unveils Deep Evil on the Internet

Sue Brasko is going to sue the shit out of you and send you straight to prison if you so much as mention her name.
Sue Brasko is going to sue the shit out of you and send you straight to prison if you so much as mention her name.

INTERNET — Internet attorney Sue Brasko is at it yet again, making herself into an obvious punching bag for Anonymous trolls. Years ago, Susan Brasko’s religion, Scientology, was attacked by Anonymous, causing many of her best friends to leave the church only to be declared Suppressive Persons — Susan Brakso was forbidden to speak with her friends.

However, there were others like her all over the internet. Scientologists like Susan, terrified of the new powers gained by Anonymous, gathered in secret chat rooms much like the ones used by Anonymous. Susan and her new friends plotted different ways to thin the ranks of Anonymous, but the obvious first move was infiltration.

“Anonforecast” rose to prominence within many propaganda operations of Anonymous and pushed especially violent, negative imagery, often referring to hacked documents as “warheads.” Forecast, as he is also known, was later raided by police who confiscated his smart phone, a necessary medical “orthotic” prescribed to him after he suffered a traumatic brain injury. This raid was purportedly a response to Forecast’s involvement in the operation to bring vigilante justice and attention to rapist jocks in Steubenville, an operation associated by the news media with Deric Lotslucker AKA KYAnonymous. Forecast denies such accusations vehemently and luckily has seen his orthotic returned to him.

Strangely, no one knows for certain whether Forecast was in fact raided, or if he in fact exists. Forecast’s proximity to Susan Brasko and his trajectory in Anonymous suggests he may be yet another Scientologist infiltrator. There is also little proof of Susan Brasko’s existence other than a bizarre phone call received at Lebal Drocer Headquarters in which a twisted, robotic and nearly unintelligible voice terrified our editing staff, claiming to be Susan Brasko.

Saturday, Susan Brasko’s narrow beam of psyop hate fell on the hapless Nachash, former head of DoxBin and current contributor to Encyclopedia Dramatica. Brasko accused Nachash of extortion and intimidation, asking friends on Twitter to find dox in order to file criminal charges. Although Brasko has said these things many times before, no charges or lawsuits have ever been filed following such incidences of mutual internet bullying.

However, these psyops are so effective on Brasko’s part that Internet Radio shows such as Vince in the Bay have banned the mention of Brasko’s name. Even the brave and enduring editorial staff of the Internet Chronicle misspells Brasko’s name because Lebal Drocer legal experts said it would move the Internet Chronicle newsroom outside the radius of any of Brasko’s potential psyops.