Author: billywalshe

INTERNET — Rasputin, famed Soviet psychic commando who later secretly joined forces with Stalin, predicted the end of the world in nuclear war on August 23, 2013. Rasputin was widely known for infiltrating the minds of enemy spies and shutting down hundreds of American espionage attempts during the cold war.

Some believe Rasputin was able to enter the mind of Edward Snowden almost a century before he was even born and direct him to turn over NSA files to Soviet Union controlled journalists. In his vision, this sparked a global calamity which culminated in nuclear war. Rasputin said, in his account of this apocalyptic vision, “In a hypnagogic state last night, I lived the entire life of a spy with access to an unfathomably genius contraption invented by Americans, of all people. I could read anything written, anywhere on Earth. I turned the device upon the Americans and brought intelligence to mother Russia. It ignited a global scandal. On August 13, 2013, the world burned in flames. Never before have I had such a terrible vision. Everywhere, survivors scrawled this date as a reminder.”

Rasputin may have died, but some say he illegitimately fathered Vladimir Putin, Russia’s current president.

INTERNET — Friday, the hacker and trolling ensemble, “Rustle League,” widely known for shutting off the lights at the super bowl last year, took credit for downing the NSA.gov website using a piece of Windows 98 software known as “RustleNuker2.” The cheeky hacker group is defined in opposition to “moralfags” in Anonymous and campaigns against Anonymous with both elite doxings, or identification of so-called “Anons,” as well as advanced pranks.

An NSA spokesperson, Angstrom H. Troubador, pounded on his podium at an impromptu emergency press release. “We will hunt down every last member of Anonymous who did this to us and string them up by their toes with our labyrinthine legal process. We killed Anonymous once, and we’ll kill it again.” When asked if he was going trick or treating, Troubador raged, “Arrest that journalist! Arrest him, he’s from Anonymous! We know about the memes!” The reporter was detained, and the sweaty, red-faced NSA spokesperson declared, “The war on Anonymous and the war on terror are one and the same.”

INTERNET — The Internet’s number one site, The Internet Chronicle, attended an academic lecture on Internet Studies and the Digital Humanities.

“Once shit hits the social media fan, it spreads before the so-called ‘lulz lizards’ can be hunted down. The Hydra’s head is lobbed off only after at least two heads, or variants on the narrative, have already been accepted and the old shit has been forgotten,” said Dr. Troubador, Social Media Maverick Information Anthropologist.

Excitedly, Dr. Troubador revealed his latest invention, the Culturescope, “The Culturescope is a dynamic fractal rendering of all human language inputs in every word passed through the internet at any given time. It’s tapped into the NSA and has huge military funding. Heh. Different branches of Wittgensteinian word-game groupings are fed through an ever-changing algorithm which is based on the instantaneous gestalt rendering of the whole.”

“Watching every conversation in the world as a three-dimensional fractal image blows everyone’s mind. Of course, the  beauty of it isn’t what we’re paid for. Heh. What we do is forecast the likelihood of future events. The Culturescope has accurately forecasted events in its few years of test operation with a 98% success rate. The presidential election, Benghazi, and Justin Bieber spitting on a fan’s face. Even that Derick Johansen, employee at Wal Mart, who tweeted that he hated his boss. Obviously we’re through the looking glass, folks. This is the End of the Past. Humanity has punctured the precarious surface tension of time and now dwells in the future.”