Banksy’s mass-produced social critique has given New Yorkers cynical inspiration in a trying time, but now he plans to bring traffic to a halt for weeks.
NEW YORK — A member of Banksy’s studio crew in New York spoke with the Internet Chronicle, leaking details of Banksy’s grand finale to his industrialized art blitz in New York City.
Inspired by Occupy Wall Street protesters who blocked the Brooklyn Bridge for several hours, Banksy plans to be arrested in a stunt which will reveal his identity to the public. Banksy has hired several brightly-colored vans which will spell out “TERRRORISTS” and “OCCUPY” in Banksy’s signature font. These vans are being equipped to bury gigantic steel wedges into the pavement as we speak. These vans may be capable of stopping most New York bridge and tunnel traffic for weeks.
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev reportedly flew into a rage when Boston won the Pennant Saturday night.
BOSTON — Dzohkhar Tsarnaev, terrorist infamous for Boston Marathon Bombings, flew into a rage Saturday night when the Red Sox won the National League Pennant. Tsarnaev has been unable to speak due to extensive injuries inflicted during the protracted shootout following the bombing, but he was able to angrily scrawl on a piece of notebook paper, “I hate Boston and nothing made me angrier than the amazing grand slam which sealed the victory for the Red Sox. Allahu Akhbar! The Sox have no chance against the Cardinals in the upcoming World Series.”
Shocked Red Sox fans attempted to storm Tsarnaev’s fortified hospital room, but were met with armed resistance by paramilitary shock troopers called in to protect the mass murdering terrorist. Angry Red Sox fan, Gerald MacDonald, told reporters, “I don’t understand why he bombed a marathon if he just wanted to talk shit about baseball. I mean, why not just bomb the baseball fans?”
An Alien Space Craft in Hollywood picked up Giorgio Tsoukalos Monday.
HOLLYWOOD — Giorgio Tsoukalos, host of Ancient Aliens, was reportedly picked up by a UFO Monday evening. Friends saw Tsoukalos ascending in a beam of light and changing strangely as he ascended. David Childress, expert in Shamanic abductions, said, “His head grew and grew, my God, it was terrible. He began to glow, it looked like his atoms were fusing. He became a ball of plasma or something, and several other balls of light were circling around, beaming him with some kind of radiation. They joined into one blinding, spheric thing that looked like a small sun. It shot off at an impossible speed.”
Friends earlier noticed electric anomalies and a static charge which stained the skin of Tsoukalos orange and made his hair stand up all the time. George Noory, host of Coast to Coast AM, said, “It was the weirdest thing. He told me once that he had been visited by balls of light, but he didn’t want to talk about it on the show. He said his brain had grown that night, years ago, and ever since then he’d interfere with electronic devices occasionally.”
Tsoukalos was later reached for interview, and said, “I can ascend and descend between the mortal realm and the Alien whenever I like, now, as many men in ancient history such as Jesus, Muhammad, and other great prophets. I have contacted the source of all, Aliens, and I can attest to the fact that all Ancient Alien theories are in fact truer than I ever imagined.”
