Author: billywalshe

DAMASCUS — After President Obama put a hold on the impending Syrian invasion, Bashir al-Assad took time to speak with reporters about his use of chemical weapons. The reformer-turned-dictator said, “Yeah, I gassed a couple thousand people because they stood between me and military objectives which could secure my country and the freedom of my people. It was a tough call, but it saved the lives of millions of my soldiers.”

When asked whether Assad felt he had done the wrong thing by provoking a superpower, he responded, “Obama would do the same thing if he were me, and his country has repeatedly done much worse. We did not nuke an entire city like Hiroshima or Nagaskai, and we did not level a great cultural center like Dresden. America was the great terror of the last century, the one that was more fearsome and shocking than the holocaust of the Nazis. How else could they have defeated the Germans?”

Western journalists needled Assad further, asking him if he could envision a peaceful end to rising tensions in the region. Assad became frustrated, saying, “The world is barreling towards apocalyptic destruction and a few of my chemical weapons just won’t even come close to doing the job. American hydrogen bombs could destroy all of civilization ten times over, but who would invade them, stop them from using their weapons even on their own people? There is no future for humanity as long as humans maintain stockpiles of such destructive weapons, just as Carl Sagan believed. Humanity must either dismantle nuclear weapons or perish.”

NEW YORK — After three consecutive weeks of the most elevated terror alert levels since 2001, synchronized attacks have nonetheless killed millions of innocent Americans on the twelfth anniversary of 9/11, bringing every major city in America to a standstill.

New York City Homeland Security Agents report hundreds of Al-Qaeda agents infiltrated the Freedom Tower construction crew and filled the core of every concrete beam with nanothermite, even as the monumental skyscraper was built. Al-Qaeda sleeper cells successfully evaded all-encompassing NSA surveillance with use of an advanced metaphor cypher which referred to nanothermite as “love” and Allah as “Jesus.” These explosives were detonated this morning, leveling the Freedom Tower before it was completed.

Other Al-Qaeda agents, who made up the majority of the janitorial staff at the Pentagon, hid nanothermite explosives in the office chairs of the highest officials of the US military, killing off the top echelons of the chain of command for the Army, Navy, Coast Guard, and Marines.

Al-Qaeda troops stormed US embassies in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Oman, the United Arab Emirates, and Jordan, before firing Sarin gas into citizens of Tel Aviv. President Obama has been locked in a smoked-filled room in the back of the White House and is rumored to be discussing whether to use nuclear or biological weapons on Syrian and Soviet targets.

Grieving citizens around the nation, who have changed their 9/11 mantras from “Never Forget” to “Never Again,” are waving American flags and rounding up Muslims at gunpoint, ushering them into the safety of FEMA camps with the help of local and regional law enforcement agencies.

With hurricanes building to catastrophic levels off the coast of Africa and the annual 9/11 memorial terror attacks looming, it’s officially pseudoevent season. Analysts expect this year’s rapid-fire Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas, and New Year’s holidays to be “bigger than ever and full of surprises.” The terror alert level has been ritually escalated by government officials who also gave a stern warning to citizens, “Do not leave your homes unless it is necessary. Stay tuned to news reports, and stay safe. First Lady Michelle Obama will be holding a press conference this evening and may twerk for cameras after a moment of silence for those brave men and women who died a year ago in Benghazi.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, media theorist, expects more crossover pseudoevents similar to Richard Reid’s Christmas shoe-bombing. Dr. Troubador told reporters, “I’m expecting bigger pseudoevents than ever this year. We’ll probably see something unimaginable like a Thanksgiving Hurricane or a cyberbullied young girl turned Al-Qaeda suicide bomber. Personally, I’d like to see a child celebrity meltdown turn into a school shooting or Gangnam Style dance trend.”

Meteorologists, hoping to draw more attention to their reporting, are using a new naming system for hurricanes and tropical storms which appropriates names from pop culture. Spokesperson for the Storm Naming Association, Harold Harrison, says, “A recognizable name will make sure the average person has a harder time forgetting about the existence of impending chaos. Tropical Storm Miley is already making big waves both in the Atlantic and on Social Media sites like Twitter!”

Because the public craves increasingly astounding stories, Dr. Troubador tells us the pseudoevent season is becoming longer. “One day all events will be recorded on some sort of media or another and fed directly into a permanent database, shattering the very fabric of reality and ultimately destroying all possibility of freedom. The best we can hope for is an acceptable simulation of what life once was.”