Author: billywalshe

Categories
News

Glenn Greenwild admits to affair with Edward Snowden

Greenwild allegedly cheated on partner David Miranda while working with Snowden in Hong Kong
Greenwild allegedly cheated on partner David Miranda while working with Snowden in Hong Kong

HONG KONG — Witnesses tell the Internet Chronicle they saw Journalist Glenn Greenwild and Edward Snowden “drunk and making out” in public before police escorted the couple back to a hotel room. Recent reports show Greenwild’s boyfriend, David Miranda, was detained at the border in London while under pay of the Guardian for muling Snowden’s secret documents.

Internet Chronicle contacted Miranda, who fumed, “If it’s true he’s been banging Snowden and putting me in the crosshairs to keep the Snowden story going for a few more days then it’s over. I knew Glenn could be a dick, but this is just too much. We do not have an open relationship.”

Glenn Greenwild told Internet Chronicle reporters with his characteristic malice, “David and I have always had an open relationship, and if he doesn’t like it he can leave. I told him dating me has its negative consequences, and you wanna know the truth? Me and Edward have been sleeping together for a long time before Edward even worked at the NSA. I love Edward. He loves me, and that’s why he got a job at the NSA and gave me the files. If David really loved me, he’d be begging to mule more files, but no, he can’t get over his jealousy for Edward. It’s over”

Categories
News

The Internet’s Top 10 Top 10

Nothing brings inordinate amount of Internet Traffic to amateurish writing like uselessly posturing pieces of art in pointless lists which imply one piece of art is better than another. 

1. Top 10 Most Gruesome Torture Methods (Cracked)

Yet another banal walk through torture methods that everyone already knows about somehow seems more interesting when juxtaposed with descending numbers. This is standard practice for Cracked, the site where humor writers go to die. Nowhere do they mention the greatest form of torture, electromagnetic neuromodulation. When neuromodulated, not only do you have no idea who is torturing you or why, but you can be made to sleep or blasted with extreme pain at any moment. Do you have Narcolepsy or Migraines, or is the Illuminati targeting you with neuromodulation? Hopefully they are, if you write this kind of swill for Cracked. Top Ten Lists on Cracked would top any list of Gruesome Torture Methods I could come up with.

2. Top 10 Top 10 Lists (TopTenz)

There are a legion of people who get off of work every night and find the most satisfying way to wind down is to read top ten lists, and of course they need a central location that arranges the top ten lists in a way that they can best access — Top Ten Top Ten Lists.

3. The Top Tens (TheTopTens)

The Top Tens is much like TopTenz only not as good. Hah! This is why Lists are Awesome. There are hundreds of these kinds of Top Ten aggregation web sites, but the ones that arrange Top Tens into Top Tens are by far the easiest to navigate.

4. Ten Bizarre Things You Can Get From a Vending Machine (ListVerse)

This is a great top ten list because it’s actually an advertisement for stupid business ideas which will fail miserably. This is posted on an old-style top ten aggregation web site, which means it doesn’t list all of its top tens in one centralized top ten list, even though the site contains nothing but top tens. Get with the times, ListVerse.

5. Time Magazine’s All-Time Best Lists (Time)

This isn’t a Top Ten, and it doesn’t even number the lists against each other, so the lists are not in any order I can get off on. However, there are hundreds of Lists, which proves that even legitimate magazines now have an office dedicated to cranking out enumerated lists. If only they would get with the times and enumerate their list of lists so I could finally decide which one is definitely the best.

6. Top 10 Interview Questions and Answers  (About.com)

There’s really nothing funny or entertaining about this list until you envision an employer who got all of his or her interview questions from an About.com Top Ten List and hired only people who also got their answers from the same About.com Top Ten List. That’s how excellent businesses like ListVerse and TopTenz got started.

7. The Top 10 Best Cities to Move to Today (The Onion)

A rollicking and hilarious ride through some of the fakest cities you’d never want to move to. Or, if you are fooled by the subtle satire, these actually seem like pretty nice places and you might be slightly disappointed to find out they aren’t real. Trolled once again by the Cyber-Bullies at The Onion.

8. The Ten Best Top-Ten Lists (Alternet)

The author of this article shares the same point of view as I do but then expresses it like a goody-two-shoes and tries to find Top-Ten lists that aren’t what I’m complaining about. A top ten list of lists that may actually be worth reading.

9. Ten Worst and Best Foods (Center For Science in the Public Interest)

This list doesn’t tell the poverty-stricken obese masses how to afford a diet of Wild Salmon and Unsweetened Greek Yogurt, but a Top Ten list is exactly the solution you’d expect from a bunch of namby pamby activists who believe in changing the world with stupid propaganda.

10. This List

That’s So Meta, Bro.

Categories
Society World

Illuminati No Longer A Conspiracy Theory

The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake.
The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake.

LONDON — Reporters met with the anonymous Grandmaster and ranking 33rd degree member of the Illuminati, who stepped out of the shadows to accept responsibility for 9/11. The Grandmaster told Internet Chronicle Reporters, “9/11 was supposed to convince the world once and for all that religion is not the way to a better world. Our insiders at the CIA staged it all, and reports of agents meeting with and paying off Osama Bin Laden are true.”

The Grandmaster continued, “The Illuminati is losing the symbol war for the first time since the Renaissance. Humanism is now on the decline, and this change was marked by the Seagull which landed when the new pope was elected as well as the mystical experience which directed Pope Benedict to step down. Soon, humanity will enter another bloody age of Faith, and Pope Francis will rehabilitate the Church’s power of influence.”

Dr. Troubador, a critic of Humanism, responded, saying, “When people started treating other people as dead matter and objects of study, that’s when you saw the rise of things like prisons and insane asylums. Now every school and workplace is equivalent to a prison. A meaningless life like that is worth a hill of beans to its owner, and people tend to become replaceable parts in heartless machines. The so-called middle-ages have a bad reputation. In fact, they’re only looked at negatively because of Illuminati slanders which began in the Renaissance.”

Troubador continued to explain, “Banking elites, having fallen for the Humanist notion engendered by the Illuminati, believe that growth is something that can only be quantified with numbers. Having no understanding of their own qualitative lives, they have arranged things so that homogeneous, superficial, and hollow culture has widely proliferated. This is perhaps reflected best by the food, which has become monstrous through genetic modification while at the same time containing less nutrients. However, it seems the market has now recognized this in a small degree, and consumers are taking any escape they can from the sterility of Humanism.”

Resolute, the Grandmaster of the Illuminati declared, “Perhaps we pushed Humanism too far. Our designs were too good and undid themselves. It may be another thousand years before we once more control the world of Art, but for now it is in the hands of the church. We will harry each new religion that springs up in this fertile environment and stamp each into the ground. We will continue to stage large-scale attacks like 9/11 to pit religions against one another. We will stage Arab Spring after Arab Spring, if that’s what it takes, but one day all Religions will finally be Annihilated.”