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Dog the Bounty Hunter tortured and murdered by KGB

Dog The Bounty Hunter was captured by the KGB on live television and tortured, to the delight of Snowden fans.

When Bradley Manning apologized for doing harm to the nation, a legion of supporters who spent the past two years proving such a thing was impossible lost their minds. Before posting a torrent of grainy old pictures of Manning as a child, many said, “How dare you criticize Manning for apologizing.  He is not your icon, he is a human!”

Forget the Stalinist Show Trial and the cell tower neuromodulation mind control. It’s obvious we can’t trust a word Manning says anymore, so we’re left to grieve over photos of him as an incorruptible child. We ought to be talking about Dog the Bounty Hunter. Didn’t you hear? He’s sniffing around in Russia for a billion dollar bounty on Snowden. Fans of Snowden naturally are not too impressed with Dog, but they are singing high praise for the KGB’s potential brutal torture and murder of Dog. Because, you know, fans of Snowden are fans of freedom.

But Dog isn’t really going to Russia, and the KGB no longer exists. Too bad, because I wanted to see someone opposed to Snowden brutalized on television. Maybe we can look at how Barrett Brown and Anonymous exposed many things that may have been as significant as Snowden’s revelations but never got the time in the spotlight. I mean, you can’t really trust those Anonymous pranksters not to stick some fake file in there when they’re already in your PlayStation ruining your game of Call of Duty. What would you do if you were charged with popularizing leaks for that kind of an organization? Other than spending a huge amount of effort denying he’s done just that, Barrett Brown threatened an FBI agent and his family in a set of videos so he could capture his own arrest, live on video chat. But of course that didn’t get him the attention that waiting a few months could have. Democracy Now and other unbiased activist news sources like Russia Today can’t mention that incident now that Brown is a sideshow to Snowden. However, Brown is just like Socrates, and to be clear, all he did was post a link! 

Forget about Snowden’s lost leaks on subterranean UFO civilizations, HAARP, and Chemtrails. Those are illusions created by the Elites, just like Bradley Manning’s apology and all of Barrett Brown’s threats and lies. This is just like the Matrix, only Real! Take a red pill to filter out the lies, but don’t be disappointed when you find out Reality is just a heap of secret government documents in a big tent filled with petulant, mendacious, power-obsessed armchair activists dying to string Dog the Bounty Hunter up and celebrate his slow suffering at the hands of Snowden’s KGB protectors.

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News

Rush Limbaugh Endorses Marijuana

stoned
Rush Limbaugh says he used marijuana to recover from opiate addiction and now supports legalizing pot.

EIB NETWORK OFFICIAL COMMUNIQUE — Controversial Conservative Talk Radio Mogul Rush Limbaugh endorsed medical marijuana legalization on his show Tuesday, and told Internet Chronicle reporters smoking the “Mary Jane” helped him recover after a scandalous opiate addiction. Rush pontificated in front of the golden EIB microphone, “All you listeners out there in flyover country, I know this might scare you a bit, but I wouldn’t have been able to make it through hundreds of shows if it weren’t for the benefits of medical marijuana. When I topped off my cigar with a half gram, all my tremors and cravings for painkillers disappeared. I was able to speak more eloquently than ever, if anything. And when I stopped craving the painkillers, I went back to normal cigars without any withdrawals whatsoever. I know this may come to a shock to some of the people out in the heartland, but Marijuana is a truly miraculous medicine.”

Rush Limbaugh brought Libertarian talk host Neal Boortz onto his show for a discussion about the flaws and merits of legalizing drugs. Rush took the position that mostly harmless and medicinally-oriented drugs like marijuana and possibly MDMA should be legalized, but Boortz pushed for legal recreational use of all drugs. Boortz, exasperated, said “We should be ashamed that we have more prisoners than any other country in the world, and who are we locking up? They’re all drug addicts. They buy and consume drugs. That’ll drive the economy as powerfully as a war, as long as we nationalize the production and retail of the drugs as we do with alcohol and armored humvees. It’s win-win.”

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Health Technology

Snowden unveils Sewer Drone drug surveillance program

Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would "cut to the chase."
Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would “cut to the chase” with disclosure of the secret Sewer Drone program.

MOSCOW — Sunday afternoon, Snowden once again stunned Americans with information about a secret NSA Sewer Drone program which detects traces of drugs by snooping through human excrement in public sewers. According to Snowden, the NSA relays the information gleaned from the Sewer Drone program to local police, who then construct a “parallel” investigation which excludes all mention of the secret drones so drug offenders can then be “legitimately” prosecuted. Repeat offenders, Snowden claims, may be identified by comparing traces of DNA in excrement to prison records.

Snowden spoke to reporters, shouting angrily, “This should be the final straw. Is nothing holy? The drug war has gone too far. The NSA surveillance has gone to far. I have nothing more to say.” Snowden opened his laptop in pure rage, snapping it in half at the hinge and slamming the keyboard. He bellowed, “Why won’t you people listen? They’re sifting through your shit, and if they find a trace of marijuana they’ll tie it to your DNA, come for you, and concoct a fake investigation!”

Astonished, all reporters left the press conference, but Internet Chronicle reporter Frank Mason was unaffected due to a mild buzz. Mason offered Snowden a bong rip, which Snowden gladly accepted. Once calmed, Snowden said, “The problem is that these drones — they can detect disease. They can be used for good, but now they’re simply used to target the poor.”