Author: billywalshe

INTERNET — Joseph Kony, famed general of genocidal child armies and Internet super villain, was hunted down and killed by a team of assassins who funded their mission with crowd-sourcing after an anti-Kony video went viral last year. However, the team of killers have expressed mixed feelings and even regret at carrying out the Internet’s mission of ruthless vengeance.

After the anti-Kony video, Kony 2012, became the most viral video ever, many concerns were raised about its accuracy. Skeptics quickly debunked the claim that Kony was still roving Africa with murderous child armies. Now, some are questioning the one dimensional and inhuman portrait of Kony which stands in stark contrast with reports of assassins who spoke with the aging and defenseless Kony before acting out the Internet’s lucrative vengeance. One assassin, who wished to remain Anonymous, said the kill team found Kony living in quiet retirement, and said, “His exile was mostly self-imposed. He could have continued his raping and pillaging, but he was repentant. We found him living the life of a religious ascetic, and he gladly allowed us to kill him, fully understanding his death would not atone for the great atrocities of his life. He fixed us dinner, and we had thoughts of sparing him, but we all knew that the Internet would send a kill team for us, if word were to get out that we spared Kony.”

In 2006, the military took control of NASA’s unmanned space shuttle program for purposes that have not been disclosed. The X-37 C space drone will be capable of orbiting six astronauts in a pressurized capsule and returning them to the planet. However, there is a smaller version of this kind of spaceplane, the X-37 B, which has been running secret missions for the Air Force since 2008. People know that the X-37 B exists, but they do not know about the military’s Single-Stage-to-Orbit technology.

At Groom Lake, the infamous Area 51, Single-Stage-to-Orbit technology was first developed by modifying a scaled-up SR-71 and adding liquid oxygen rockets for the high atmosphere. This vehicle, known to pilots as “Santa’s Sled,” was capable of a low-atmospheric orbit which quickly decayed, so it was of no use for anything but the smallest satellites. During this time, miniaturized spy satellites were developed out of necessity. “Santa’s Sled” could be deployed to any place on the planet in less than an hour and release cameras, which would remain in geo-synchronous orbit for months. This technology was in use since the late ’60s, and it has only been developed since then.

Secret spaceplanes at Groom Lake have engines able to use both liquid oxygen and atmospheric oxygen, and one can carry the same payload as the X-37 C with more efficiency than is currently thought possible. The “Aurora” spaceplane, a flying wedge, can deploy up to 100 miniature spy satellites, which can each maintain orbit for several years. Enough Aurora Spaceplanes and spy satellites are standing by that the orbiting surveillance network of the United States could be entirely replaced at a moment’s notice.

INTERNET — Today, I authored an article placing the Westboro Baptist Church en route to Moscow to picket Snowden in a desperate, last hope plea for publicity. Few were amused, especially as the roughly forty thousands readers who received the article through Twitter were scraped from the conspiracy-babbling Edward Snowden, who is apparently so badly hooked on cocaine and DMT he had to sell his account to the Internet Chronicle, just to get a dimebag of shwag.

However, Westboro Baptist found this story amusing, and tweeted it from every last one of their accounts. With lightning fast reflexes, I replaced an image of Snowden with a real Gay Porn image of Fred Phelps, which has been leaked by sources at Anonymous. Finally, Westboro was caught with their pants down, and it turns out their Pastor and father was gay all along.

Margie Phelps commented, sadly, “Sometimes we wondered why dad always preached about Gays and nothing else. Well, I guess we know now. He’s been sneaking off to Gomorrah for a little Sodomy.” The Phelps family has been shaken by the horrible deviance of their leader and father, but promised to carry on the crusade of protesting funerals. “Oh, we’ll be protesting our father’s funeral,” said Margie, as the flame of God’s wrath flicked in her eyes.