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How a new machine could collapse the bitcoin market

Bitcoins may soon be worth next to nothing at all.
Bitcoins may soon be worth next to nothing at all.

INTERNET — New hardware designed by Butterfly Labs promises to mine bitcoins more cheaply than ever before. If you aren’t familiar with bitcoins, they are a digital currency deriving their rarity and value through advanced cryptographic algorithms. Only so many bitcoins can be “found,” and they first wind up in the hands of those with enough computing cycles to slog through the complicated math.

In the past, the price of electricity did not make bitcoin mining a profitable endeavor, but engineers at Butterfly Labs have built a line of machines specifically designed to mine more bitcoins than ever before while using a minimal amount of electricity. Thousands of these mining machines have been pre-ordered and will soon ship to eager consumers hungry to make a quick buck.

Recently, the bitcoin market has been hit with severe hyper-deflation, and this rapid increase in bitcoin value could cause trading on the market to freeze up. In the past month, the price of a bitcoin has skyrocketed from $40 to nearly $100. Analysts concerned about new mining technology warn that this bubble may soon burst.

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News Sports

Kevin Ware brutally injured by Illuminati

College basketball player Kevin Ware's leg was fractured by the Illuminati, Sunday.
College basketball player Kevin Ware’s leg was fractured by the Illuminati, Sunday.

LOUSIVILLE — Kevin Ware, basketball player for the Lousiville Cardinals, suffered a brutal leg injury at the hands of fiendish Illuminati players from Duke. Diving to block a shot and influenced by some kind of witchcraft, Ware landed badly and his leg shattered at the shin.

Doctors say it will take at least 10 years to heal, and Ware’s career in basketball is practically over forever. Louisville has recently surprised fans by winning against high-powered teams like Duke, who are commonly believed to have ties to the Illuminati.

Ware, when interviewed by deceased journalist Frank Mason, said, “Man, fuck the Illuminati. I’ma get me some real doctors down in Cuba and be back ballin’ in no time.”

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Entertainment News

“Chumlee” of Pawn Stars arrested with seven pounds of marijuana

chumlee
Police say his limousine driver was high from an immense, billowing cloud of secondhand marijuana smoke.

LAS VEGAS — Austin “Chumlee” Rustle, known widely for his employment at the famed Gold and Silver Pawn Shop featured on “History” Channel’s “Pawn Stars” Reality Television Show, was arrested Friday for possession of over seven pounds of marijuana after police pulled his limo over for erratic driving. Chumlee’s lawyer, Jay Leiderman, said, “Chum had no intent to distribute this marijuana; all seven pounds were clearly for personal use.”

Richard “Old Man” Harisson and his son Corey “Big Hoss” Harisson reportedly paid Chum’s two million dollar bail, but Chumlee still faces up to 100 years in prison. History Channel did not comment on the incident, but Chumlee’s agent, Jorge Luis Peron, said Chum already checked into rehab, “Chumlee’s life has been a nightmare of drugs and video games, and this has hindered his performance at Gold and Silver. He’s gettin’ the help he needs! Chum will be back and better than ever in no time, don’t worry folks.”