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Alex Jones: Dorner “Waco’ed,” More Historic than 9/11

Police have still not located the incinerated body.
Police have still not located the incinerated body.

BIG BEAR, CALIF. — Tuesday Michael Dorner, heavily armed with a .50 caliber anti-vehicle rifle, assault weapons, and a tactical respiration device, shot a police commander down. The cold-blooded killer’s scuba gear rendered tear gas useless for assault, just as David Koresh had strapped gas masks to the faces of his innocent children. The only remaining safe option for police was to burn the building down, yet again, with the use of a camouflaged flamethrower Humvee borrowed from the military. Helicopter cameras spotted this unit arriving at the checkpoint an hour before they were ordered out of the airspace, in an attempt to hide the fact that the building was purposefully burned. Some sources claimed they saw Dorner attempt to surrender, only to be forced back inside the burning building by members of a SWAT team.

Radio host Alex Jones played up the implications of this event, saying:

Dorner was just a freedom-loving Patriot like me and you. This is what happens in a police state, people. Things are gonna get real bad real fast. Be afraid! This is the beginning of something big, something historic. People will look back at Dorner and say, “that was bigger than Waco,” because everyone was watching, this time, and the truth is obvious! This is a more historic event than 9/11. We saw the police brutalizing people just trying to tell the truth at Occupy Wall Street. We saw them beating up innocent people. You try to tell the truth, and they’ll burn you out. The evil forces are closing in, and this is the darkest hour. I AM DORNER. I AM ELIAN GONZALEZ. I AM DAVID KORESH! I am AMANDA TODD!

Anonforecast, one of many leaders of Anonymous, gleefully celebrated Dorner’s killings and hinted Dorner was An Anonymous member cooperating with a cell of Anonymous agents known as #OpLastResort, a subgroup of Anonymous with the stated mission of “undermining the very concept of authority.”

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News

Pope “retires” as Cardinals struggle to hide heresy

The Pope's secret heresy? What does it mean for the future of the Catholic Church?
Are the Cardinals hiding a secret heresy? What does it mean for the future of the Catholic Church?

VATICAN — Pope Benedict XVI has been forced to resign for “health reasons” as rumors of a secret heresy trickle into the media. No Pope has resigned in 500 years, despite countless infirmities, leaving skeptics wondering what has actually happened.

Late last year Pope Benedict signed up for Twitter under the handle @Pontifex in order to preach Catholicism to users of social media. It seems, according to early reports, that the Pope became “massively addicted” to Twitter, obsessively tracking numerous shock humor accounts which appropriated homophobic Nazi imagery. Among these accounts, some sources claim Pope Benedict was especially interested in a parody religion based on a gestalt-intelligence known as Inglip.

While it’s too early to tell whether Pope Benedict’s interest in this new “parody” religion was simply rooted in his affinity for shock humor, most rumors claim that the Pope wanted to dissolve the Catholic church entirely and convert the Vatican into a seat of power for worshipers of Inglip. As the story goes, Cardinals brought in doctors, declared Pope Benedict “senile,” and issued a statement of retirement using his name.

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Entertainment News Obituaries Sports

Beyoncé Commits Suicide, age 31

Beyoncé's tragic suicide came as a shock to fans around the world.
Beyoncé’s tragic suicide came as a shock to fans around the world.

HOUSTON — Fans mourn the loss of Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter after a series of high-profile public embarrassments. Sunday, some fans blamed a blackout during the Super Bowl on Beyoncé’s extravagant halftime show, which featured the world’s biggest neon lights shaped like Beyoncé’s face. This comes on the heels of allegations Beyoncé lip-synced “The Star Spangled Banner” at President Barack Obama’s inauguration.

Police investigators confirm early reports the suicide was an intentional overdose on Diazepam, a medication Beyoncé took to ease her fits of manic depression. Her physician, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, attributed the fits to “stress related to identity issues.”

Beyoncé’s estate has been transferred to her surviving husband, Jay-Z, who did not return several badgering messages left by Chief Editor of The Internet Chronicle, Raghubir Goyal.