INTERNET–Little girls up to the age of 16 are facing some of the harshest conditions in centuries, and parents around the nation are calling for more controls on little girls. Friday, a 9-year-old girl was brutally gang-raped in Pakistan, and in Israel another little girl had her trophy seized by Mossad stormtroopers. Meanwhile in Ohio, rutting teenage football players treated an incapacitated 16-year-old girl as a sex toy, posting videos to social media and carrying her around to three different parties for anyone who wanted an easy rape.

“These little girls are just being eaten up by the nasty world out there, and we need to protect them,” said Marie Abraxas, founder of Mothers for the Protection of Innocent Little Girls. “If we don’t do everything in our power to shelter little girls from harm, all innocence will go out of this world. Little girls are an endangered species.”

Spokesperson for the preteen sex lobby and snuff-film industry, Adrian Chen, spoke to Internet Chronicle reporters in the field. “We don’t condone the rape or murder of minors, but we believe that the viewing of these materials fulfills a fantasy that would otherwise result in the rape and murder of minors. We’re just as dedicated to protecting the innocence of little girls as anyone else, but we just really get off to seeing it taken away forever.”

SAN FRANCISCO–After recent rumors of a long-term homosexual relationship were spread by rabid fans of Danielle Colby Cushman, American Pickers stars Frank Fritz and Mike Wolfe held a press conference to publicly renounce homosexuality, denying they ever banged more than once.

“They just did it for the attention,” said Danielle, “But they really are gay. Gay, gay, gay.”

“That nonsense about my family and the oil can thing, it really hurt me,” said Fritz at the press conference. “We’re suing those bastards.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, general physician, said “Oh, yeah, those guys came in the other day with rectums full of antiques. The anti-homosexual press conference was a sham to buzz up a drum.”

What’s causing all these school shootings? Guns? Not enough guns? The News Media and easy infamy? Violent video games? Violent movies? Lack of mental health care? Lack of religion, culture, and community?

Nope.

The reason for the school shooting epidemic should be obvious:

The schools. 

They’re prisons.

Remember finding yourself all of the sudden in the belly of The Machine. No you cannot leave, and now it is time to learn cursive. The kids are mean, and they don’t like you very much.

“I really enjoyed being stamped into a replaceable part by the system at Virginia Tech,” sneered Cho Seung Hui.

Every child needs the same program of strict, machine-like learning. But that’s not all, the children must be socialized. Acculturated. Broken down and rebuilt in the image of pure submission to the will of strictures handed down from innumerable invisible corporate offices and finance monopoly boardrooms. It’s the schools where you learn to do what they say.

“I was saving the kids’ lives. I didn’t want them to suffer like I did. I figured the younger, the better,” said a placid Adam Lanza.

The nervous hand-wringing response from adults who have been raised by this sick Machine is that the Machine needs to harden itself against the shootings. Whether that be toughening up gun restrictions, posting armed guards, or making it easier for parents to put their kids into increasingly strict “mental hospital” prisons, the solution is equivalent. More Machine.

“We did it because it made us heroes. We were freedom fighters, and schools were the worst form of tyranny because they targeted children,” said Dylan Klebold, as he cradled an AK-47.

The horrible realization that you are not a human, but rather a set of numbers with paperwork boundaries, should be too much for teenagers to handle. They should be shooting up schools, because it makes sense. The sliver of humanity left to you, after everything else has been reduced to corporate prison goo, that’s inevitably what everyone else is going to hate. You haven’t been broken down? You haven’t been homogenized? WE HATE YOU.

“What we did wasn’t senseless. You just want it to be senseless because it makes you feel less guilty,” said Eric Harris, puffing on a fat joint.

I don’t believe in using violence. It should be obvious that the school shooting craze is the greatest boon The Machine has ever seen, and I hate the Machine.

Kilgoar spent high school working against the Machine as a pro-backpack activist. Backpacks were outlawed in his local school district in response to the Columbine shootings, but with use of Proto-Anonymous style tactics and comedic animation, backpacks were retained for several semesters before The Machine regenerated.