Categories
Technology Trolling

TehWongz retires from hacking

Charrie Wongz (@TehWongz) was recently kicked out of Destructivesec following his alleged arrest and cooperation with law enforcement agencies. In a recently leaked conference call, agents used derisive terms to refer to Wongz.

Wongz is fifteen years old and has been hacking since he was twelve. He has hacked the online video game service Steam, as well as going on the offensive against his own school. By planting a malicious batch file into the school’s system, he crashed every computer with one swift stroke.

Wongz denies allegations that he is in any way working with law enforcement or that he was ever affiliated with Anonymous. However, he does admit he did have his computer equipment confiscated and had a voluntary interview with police. He is currently campaigning to raise money for a new laptop.

Sadly, Wongz informed us that he has retired from hacking at the request of his girlfriend.

Categories
News

Anonymous reveals Chemtrails are full of Barium for mind control

Anonymous revealed on Thursday that they have e-mails from a Chemtrail manufacturer describing concerns over the Barium content of Airplane Chemtrails affecting the average weight of Americans. The implication is that the Barium has turned people so docile that they have no ability to ignore fast food advertisements. In the FDA’s response, the spokesperson states that the statistics show less people die from obesity than those who were saved from violent crime by the implementation of mind-controlling Barium cropdusting of the populous in the mid-60’s.

Russia Today has reported extensively on this shit, but no one cares because they are a Kremlin owned station working on Julian Assange’s new reality show. In this show, Assange will attempt to teach a group of young Anonymous hackers to become the new head of WikiLeaks now that he’s going to be extradited to America and face the death penalty. Most of the show will be intense stare-downs as the script kiddies are put through ethical leak simulations to gain immunity from elimination and the trust of a paranoid Assange.

No one fucking calls it a state owned Propaganda machine when it’s the BBC. When it’s Russia Today, America’s knee-jerk Cold War mentality kicks in. But the Cold war was actually a myth created to help immortalize Ronald Reagan as the greatest man in American history, even better than the founding fathers. Only a Hollywood phony would claim credit for ending a war that didn’t even exist. The Cold War is still on, though, and it’s actually just about to explode.

The first conflicts of the third world war are the aggressive actions by the United States in the Middle East. Once Iran is drawn into the ever-growing military industrial complex, Russia and China both make military inroads into the region to claim whatever oil is left. Russia is currently preparing an invasion of Georgia, its oil rich neighbor. America may show an early advantage in the conflict, but will ultimately fall prey to extremely sophisticated cyber threats from China. For the first time, drone aircraft will battle each other, resorting to physical force only after cyber attacks have failed. This world war will end in a stalemate as the extended fighting rages through the last of the world’s oil supplies.

As oil prices skyrocket, so does the cost of food. The very poor starve to death under crushing debt and criminals will make enormous profits selling stolen food. Cities in the desert will become unreachable islands, livestock will become more valuable than gold, and a wireless solar-powered internet infrastructure will be implemented as a last minute emergency communication measure.

Categories
Hate Trolling

Be a YouTube Reply Girl

We here at internetchronicle.org/ have quick and simple way, an easy way, to rake in tens of thousands of subscribers on Youtube with very little effort. These views can quickly be turned into cash around the home, as long as you follow a few simple rules and are approved for a YouTube partnership, which we guarantee. This simple method contains a few simple secrets which we will provide to you, our loyal cult followers, at a low, low price. Follow these three simple steps, easy steps, and you will be on the path to  not only riches, but fame and popularity with the online world like you have never imagined.

Step 1: Preparing for your first video

First thing you’ll need to do is make sure you have a camera, or basically any footage at all which won’t get YouTube on your ass for copyright infringement. This part’s actually not that important at all, content is completely irrelevant. There just has to be a video of some sort.

What’s vitally important is that there must be clearly visible cleavage shown in the image YouTubers are going to see before they click your video.

Next, find some YouTube video that’s just now starting to get a ton of visits which hasn’t already been swamped with reply videos. Upload your “reply” using all available optimized search terms. The combination of tits will attach your video like a leech to the underbelly of the internet and you will make tons of money this way. Keep making the videos until your income stabilizes and never forget the tits.

Step 2: Create a pyramid scheme

This part isn’t so straightforward until you really get good at the first bit. All this video uploading and recording is time consuming, so after a while you’re going to want to compartmentalize this knowledge into a get-rich-quick scheme and then sell that, rather than doing all the work yourself.

Start each “reply” video with a short infomercial which links to your ad-infested homepage. Write a few rambling blog posts on a locked blog and charge each person ten dollars for the secret millionaire knowledge.

I have sold the secret of YouTube tit reply video scamming to several young women who are now prospering thanks to their remarkable cleavage. They may get a lot of hateful comments, but one intrepid YouTube entrepreneur I inspired, TheReplyGirl, is now able to go to college because of her titshare program. She has also influenced other women to show their cleavage in reply videos on YouTube, and the Internet community is much enriched thanks to the startlingly insightful opinions the new, growing class of Reply Girls.

 

Step 3: Masturbation