INTERNET — Banned Twitter bad boy & right wing homosexual Milo Yiannopoolis held a press conference to announce a reality TV show that will follow his tragic struggle with homosexuality in a grueling gay conversion camp. “I can’t promise that it’ll work, but I hope it does. I want to be cured before I fall victim to disease,” Yiannapoilis said, “But that’s not right. I — I keep forgetting. It’s a choice I’m making. Being gay is wrong.”
Weeping openly as he embraced Pastor Tom Stanley of the Nemelkist Church of Advanced God, Yiannapoulos said, “All this time I’ve been afraid of ISIS taking my freedom and faggotr– I can’t even…appreciate…” Trailing off for several seconds inaudibly, the internet star stared into his phone. Cutting off the pastor’s feeble attempt to break the silence, Milo announced, “To let everyone know I mean it, I’m ebaying my collection of buttplugs!” Photographers wildly jockeyed to get shots as he held up his phone to show that it wasn’t just a prank.
Representatives from Nemelka’s Gay Conversion Ranch were contacted by famed editor emeritus Ol’ Brutus, but they would not comment despite getting the business for over three hours straight. The Nemelkist web site advertises its conversion therapy in infinitely reaching superlatives, “The Nemelkist gay conversion camp uses the most Advanced methods available to science, philosophy, and religion ever devised in the entire history of the universe and through use of an app given to us by advanced human beings, living in the future, we can request incredible, instantaneous brain surgeries which will perfectly heal one’s entire personality upon demand. Nobody leaves without a certificate of Advanced Brain Surgery handed to him or her by the prophet Nemelka himself!”
Is this the face of a man who thinks he can absorb gorilla souls through ritual?INTERNET — New reports, first published by Julian Assange of Wikileaks, show documents containing details of illegal infant gorilla transactions during Cernovich’s “hunting trip” to Namibia this summer. The gorillas, referred to with racial slurs in coded e-mails, were not taken to zoos as promised. Investigators found that no zoos anywhere in the world received any gorillas from Mike Cernovich. The emails suggest the author bought the endangered infants for over seven million dollars, nearly half of the takings from his bestselling novel, Gorilla Mindset.
Monday, Cernovich tweeted accusations that all democrats rape and eat children as part of a widespread soul-absorbing satanism ritual. The self-described “journalist” similarly believes that acting like a gorilla bestows virile power upon practitioners of his belief system. Fans and haters alike wanted to know just why Mike Cernovich, a man who believes in the absorption of souls through rape and murder, is purchasing infant gorillas that have mysteriously disappeared from the market.
Criminal Psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “Isn’t it obvious? There’s enough evidence to convict him but they won’t, not now that Trump’s in power. This is a man who raped and then ate infant gorillas, an endangered species. He probably ate their balls raw in some protein milkshake after pumping iron. I mean we don’t know he did it, but he did it. I mean you know it. Or think about it for a bit, doesn’t it make sense? Doesn’t at least one or two bits of the mountain of evidence ring true? The creep thinks he has magic gorilla powers and can just accuse anyone of baby raping and get away with it. Just trying to cover his tracks, I say. Many are saying he even penetrates his ass with the gorilla’s intestines, full of gorilla feces, calling them ‘hotdogs’ in his twisted e-mail code. He grills them and eats them afterwards. Disgusting, eh? I’ve read his e-mails, all of them. You and I both know WikiLeaks has never, will never, simply cannot tell a lie. They’re vetted. They’re Real News, not Fake. And let me tell you, if it is true, he’s one sick fucker. This is the kind of behavior that even Freud couldn’t analyze. If there is a hell, this creep is going straight to Harambe for an eternity of justice.”
Most people just think they’re pedophiles, but the elites “cooked” up that laughable story to hide the horrible truth. They’re eating your abducted and aborted baby souls.
INTERNET — Thanks to Wikileaks new documents have come forth describing the ultimate and final conspiracy, Pizzagate. Only as its jaws have closed around us do we see the beast. An insider document, leaked in a comment on Reddit, proved that elites absorb the scientifically proven “seat of the soul” of up to thirty babies on one pizza. There is an entire industry set up behind the polite exterior of the US food industry, a secret holocaust of child murder and abortion. After babies are aborted, their pineal glands are harvested and processed by Planned Parenthood’s front operations at every major food corporation. These processed human glands are not only included on top of pizzas at parties for elites. The following may be shocking and unthinkable, as if out of a dystopian novel, but it is proven true through empirical testing and evidence. Traces of baby souls, the chemical DMT, are included in nearly all food products in the United States.
DMT, the so called “spirit molecule,” is the scientific, proven apple of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. When taking a DMT trip, practitioners feel they are given the knowledge and experience of God himself. This deception is the purest manifestation of the devil and is an addiction that drives elites towards cataclysm.
Globalist elites purposefully hide the residue of baby soul molecules in all cooking oils and processed foods, often labeled as Natural Flavoring. Putting baby souls into the food and drink supply turns all Americans slightly satanist, so that they will worship their satanic leaders, such as Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and yes – even Bernie. It causes urges to fornicate, especially without the protection of condoms. The so-called soul glut in the latest years has flooded the market and is attributed by some to Miley Cyrus. Ultimately the soul glut was caused by an incredible spike in teenage pregnancy and abortions, and addicts like Hillary Clinton have been getting very sick from overdose. Rumors have spread that Trump is the “Keith Richards” of baby soul abuse, and elites chose him to be president because the doses he takes would kill most anyone else. Another famed elite, Alex Jones, is one of the few who can hang with Trump. Jones is an evangelist elite who uses clever tricks and reverse psychology to recruit hundreds and thousands into becoming satanist, globalist elites. Impartial tests of emergency rations obtained from Infowars shows that they’re so full of baby souls that eating one can a day can rival the DMT intake elites only dreamed of back in the 60’s and 70’s.
As the scientists have found new ways to increase the density of DMT crystals, an increase in demand has volatilized the glutted soul markets of the nuclear proliferated global death camp. Among elites, the concern is that soon the stopgap souls out of Syria and Iraq will dry up with demand higher than ever. While a handful of revolutionary processes have transformed shipping, purity, and quality of the product and may forestall the outbreak of a major nuclear war, new experimental endeavors stretch the market even farther. The hope among elites is that Trump will fire some nukes off in any old direction to grab enough souls so that the final scientific breakthroughs can be made. Elites believe these experiments will unveil the universal theory of science that can turn man into God himself. Through a process of applying extreme pressure in near absolute-zero temperatures, DMT crystals transform into a Bose-Einstein condensate which “transcends” known physics, opening small wormholes to a frightening apocalyptic world that might be hell or even satan’s lair, which scientists believe they can harness for green energy independence. To create a network of permanent, human-sized energy portals to this other world, elites are preparing a massive world war with a quota of three billion souls to complete the soul condensate wormholes to hell. Already, some demons and undead humans have passed back and forth through prototype gateways, and have been deployed in the experimental reactors of Zumwalt class ships.
