Author: james

Categories
Hate

Occupy Wall Street GASSED in Times Square

POLICE ENFORCE MARTIAL LAW

POLICE IN TIMES SQUARE HAVE GASSED THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THE 99%

New York–Occupy Wall Street protesters were gassed today by police officers who were covering their badges with duct tape. After being herded into a paddywagon, tear gas cannisters were deployed on innocent protesters who were completely peaceful and in fact already restrained.

Video equipment was destroyed and phones were confiscated by riot police, who also deployed an LRAD sonic crowd control device to control the peaceful protest with rays of concentrated pain.

Peace officers removed sim cards from confiscated mobile devices and stamped them into pieces before protesters before throwing the phones away, presumably in an attempt to destroy evidence of wrongdoing.

New York City is on the brink of martial law, and hundreds of FEMA vehicles were spotted crossing the Brooklyn Bridge earlier today.

Unconfirmed reports surfaced of Black Hawk helicopters being spotted in the skies over Times Square and around Manhattan.

Area residents are reportedly “grateful” for police efforts to bring down the noise level in surrounding areas.

“They just wouldn’t quit with those drums,” complained Marcy Hennegan, 43, a high-rise resident around Zucotti Park.

Protesters were heard screaming out “Why?” while onlookers chanted “Shame! Shame! Shame!” over the sounds of orange gas lines hissing, fed into the open slots of various police vans in the area.

Categories
News

Slaughter Claus: Yet another ingenious Charles Cullen masterpiece

Self-styled genius, Charles Cullen, on the set of Slaughterclaus

Thursday, fans came out to the Grandin Theater to catch the premiere of Charles Cullen's low budget holiday horror, Slaughter Claus. Among them,  internetchronicle.org/ film expert Ronny Nitro was on hand to offer his in-depth insight into the mind of Charles Cullen.

After paying five dollars for the cheapest ticket to a film premiere in the entire history of the world, no one could even be bothered to tear the ticket. The lights dimmed and the theater grew quiet with anticipation. Four extremely similar trailers for Charles Cullen's next movie scorched the minds of the audience with repetitive clips from the same handful of scenes. The audience applauded wildly for each separate trailer. Then Slaughter Claus debuted, and the crowd roared its jubliation.

A freakishly entertained man floated around in front of footage of a roller derby match, the green screen effect so abjectly implemented as to defy all description. Outside the roller rink, this crippled man continued his insane and torturous praise of the roller derby he just attended, as he inched his walker forward, pausing, and then pushing forward again. A ground shot showed the walker gliding along without pause. Then a shot of the walker moving, pausing, and moving. And then back to the ground shot with the unstopping walker. Charles Cullen tortured the audience with this purposeful error until the pain of watching became absolutely unbearable. Then Slaughterclaus appeared, gladly fulfilling the spiteful and violent urges created by such shitty film making. By the end of the scene, the man was a tiny fraction of a head and part of a torso all but smeared across miles of pavement.

[pullquote]"There's a Santa Claus, and there's a Slaughter Claus. That's all there is to it, and once again, I'll probably get tagged as a genius or something like that."[/pullquote]There was no set dressing, awful costumes, no remotely believable special effects, almost no passable acting, and uncountable inconsistencies. Halfway through the film, the pace of the movie broke down and became ten thousand times more torturous. An unbelievably cheerful couple awkwardly baked cookies, and projectile vomited what looked like muddy urine into a sink for nearly a half an hour. Then two men arrived with lawn darts, and stood in the doorway for what felt like another half an hour. These men disappeared into thin air and Slaughter Claus killed the fuck out of that family with lawn darts. The movie segued into a Charles Cullen music video replete with terrible green screen shots of lawn darts flying around the house. Another cripple, this time in a wheelchair, was killed by a foam sledgehammer that kept falling apart and magically reconstructing itself between shots.

The following is behind-the-scenes footage where Charles Cullen oversells the amount of kills in Slaughter Claus, and falsely claims that it is "not a thinker."

Charles Cullen’s films can be purchased from the baby fuckers at Amazon by following this link, although we only recommend Boogieman, Cullen’s first and best movie.

Categories
Entertainment новости

SHOENICE

SHOENICE22
AWESOME

EATS WTF EVER

___

Thursday– Shoenice, who released a new video every hour and updated his Facebook wall an average of twenty two times per hour, has just eaten one entire can of Crisco, two tablespoons of BBs from a gun, and a whole bottle of cinnamon. After crusading for Facebook followers, YouTube subscribers, and even Skype friends, Shoenice proceeded to play peekaboo to an audience of three hundred people who have only just met him and not yet realized he is the human trashcan that eats everything.

Shoenice is a nice man on a nice mission to save his nice children from poverty by becoming rich and famous on youtube, and since you read it here, that means it is working out alright. Except that his body has become a steady pipeline of hate.

SHOENICE22 is willing to eat almost anything, and makes a point of eating everything as quickly as possible. He does not seem to fear cancer-causing agents, and will eat anything short of heart-stopping medicine. Shoenice never blinks, because he once put super glue in his eyes and that is how real men cope with divorce. He is constantly rerencing the riches his fame is about to bring him. As of this exact moment, his videos top quadrillions of views, surpassing all other YouTube videos in number of hits. The Chronicle anticipates the trials of Shoenice will soon be picked up by network television and sponsored by US war machine manufacturer Lockheed Martin.

“Hell yeah, I’d watch that shit. It would be like Fear Factor without the fear.”

Viewer

While facts demonstrate Shoenice is the greatest thing TV never built, detractors claim he “suffers” from an “extreme” case of Pica, exacerbated by the attention he gets on the internet. Shoenice, however, claimed he does not suffer from Pica and iterated Pica is not something he can eat and therefore does not exist, except only in theory. Shoenice bills himself as a comedian, filling his videos with wisecracks but at the same time sprinkling in clever allusions to his personal problems such as his recent divorce.

“He has a great personality. And a divorce.”

-Concerned Viewer

“HERE COMES SHOENICE TO EAT YO MOFO SCREEN BITCHES. AND HE’S THERE. IT IS AWESOME. WHENEVER I CLICK HTTP://YOUTUBE.COM/USER/SHOENICE22 I GET THE EYES FULL OF JOY AND A RAGING KILLER BONER.”

-Stoned Viewer

Shoenice has been in the comedy eating game for a long time. In one video, he recalled eating many Tampons as a young boy and later during high school. “It opened up in my throat like an umbrella, and when my mom was yanking on that string with my head between her legs, she knew she gave birth to something special.”

SHOENICE WILL YOU PLEASE EAT A VIDEO OF YOURSELF EATING A VIDEO OF YOURSELF PLEASE? I DONT KNOW HOW YOU WOULD DO THAT BUT YOU ARE CREATIVE AND CAN SURELY THINK OF SOMETHING.

-Desperate Viewer

After reviewing tapes of the acts, Chronicle Legal Aide and Psychoanalytic Analyst Jeff Shepard concluded Shoenice is not a danger to himself or society, but added “Shoenice is quite charming in a disturbing way, causing viewers laugh their ass off while being completely and utterly nauseated beyond belief. Strangely, Shoenice appears to almost always wear the exact same shirt and baseball cap, covering the shame of his bald head while highlighting his beautiful, nonfunctioning eyes.”

420 friendlyShoenice loves drugs, which is nice. We would do any amount of cocaine with this man and most of us don’t even like cocaine. Meanwhile he could enlighten us to the consequences of giving oral sex to an underage girl with a yeast infection.

Works Cited