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Snapchat Employee Arrested for Selling User Nude "Selfies" on the "Darknet"

snapchatLOS ANGELES, CA – The popular smartphone application “Snapchat” came under siege last week due to a decimating security breach, which allowed Internet hackers to enumerate 4.6 million user names and their corresponding phone numbers, before being halted by the servers API rate limit. Just as the snappy startup fixed its security faults, there came another blow to the reputation of what has become one of the most popular forms of sending sexually provocative, explicit even, pictures to friends, especially amongst teens.

Saturday, January 4th, the home of Snapchat employee and co-founder Dave Davidson was raided by the FBI, along with the Snapchat office in Los Angeles. When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the FBI’s Los Angeles branch had little to offer, but shed some light on the allegations: “The investigation is ongoing, but we can tell you that Davidson is being held under suspicion of distributing child pornography pictures of teens he’d gathered from the Snapchat server and selling them in bulk on what we have dubbed the “darknet,” a haven for pedophiles and Internet hackers, but we got’em this time… We got’em,” he said with a nod.

The “darknet” the agent referred to is a known nickname for the Tor network, which anonymizes Internet traffic and uses its own pseudo-top-level-domains known as “.onions” where anonymous communities are setup to disseminate child porn, atomic bombs and homeopathic cancer cures.

Colleagues of Davidson were shocked to find out what he had done: “He was always staying late, you know, putting in the extra work or so we thought,” said a Snapchat employee, “He always wore a hoodie with “REVENGE PORN” on the back, but we just thought he was being ironic. This is all quite chilling, really.”

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String of heists threatens Marijuana shops in Colorado

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Handmade American weed costs four times as much as illegal foreign imports.

DENVER — Marijuana shops opened up across Colorado Wednesday as legalization came into full effect. However, gangs of armed thugs – possibly aligned with Colorado drug cartels – raided the new repositories, stealing billions of dollars’ worth of weed and paraphernalia.

With the sudden scarcity of skull and wizard-shaped bongs, Colorado stoners woke up into what’s been described as “literally, a nightmare.”

Denver marijuana user Dan K. said his “mind” was “blown” on the morning of Jan. 1 when he woke up into the dry nightmare.

“I already told all my illegal, black market dealers to go fuck themselves, because I’m a man of the law,” Dan said. “And now you’re telling me there is no weed to calm my burnout nerves? This is a nightmare. It’s the healthcare website all over again.”

Bands of vigilante stoners have taken to the streets with improvised weapons and firearms, protecting the few remaining marijuana dispensaries as patrons anxiously wait in line.

Colorado Police Chief Neal McIntyre voiced disappointment in legal marijuana, expressing concerns that police work is only becoming more difficult.

McIntyre said, “It’s going to be really hard to persecute the Blacks and the Mexicans, so we’ll have to get a bit more creative, maybe double down on our entrapment operations and flood the streets with crackheads.”

When asked about the rash of robberies at the new marijuana shops, McIntyre laughed, and refused to comment.

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MILEY CYRUS DEAD AT 21

Miley died in a mid-air collision on Sunday evening
Miley died in a mid-air collision on Sunday evening

NASHVILLE — Pop singer Miley Cyrus died Sunday evening as her private jet was destroyed in a mid-air collision over Tennessee. The singer’s jet was seen veering wildly out of its flight path by air traffic controllers, but because of recent cutbacks, no controllers were within radio contact with Miley’s jet.

This tragedy comes on the heels of Miley’s recent promise to “never twerk again.”

A preliminary investigation into the black box of Miley’s jet suggests the pilots may have been drawn into a decadent cocaine party before entering what experts are calling “a temporary psychosis.” An unidentified voice in the cockpit was reportedly heard screaming, “I feel like God!” just moments before the private jet was destroyed in a collision with an Airbus A380, the largest passenger jet in the world, carrying 236 people. All passengers in both planes are presumed dead.

Miley’s family refused to go on tour with her this year and complained her show had become too racy. Billy Ray Cyrus said, “Miley’s estate has been turned over to me and – God willin’ – is all goin’ to charity. Sharin’ and Carin’ Hands. She wanted it to go to safe sex education, but that in no way reflects our values or those of the Disney Corporation.”

Bethany Sumpin, 27, runs the most popular Miley fansite on the Web. Sumpin insensitively compared the ordeal to the Fox animated series Bob’s Burgers.

“It’s like an episode of Bob’s Burgers,” Sumpin wrote. “I just keep waiting for the punchline. I keep waiting for it to be funny.”

Sumpin later added, “This ain’t no joke, y’all.”

Miley’s career-ending hit “Wrecking Ball” reached almost 450 million views on YouTube, and featured the fully-nude Disney child star straddling construction equipment in an adult manner and licking the quivering tip of a sledgehammer.