Category: News

RICHMOND — Chemtrails were proven to be fact and not mere urban legend after recent Snowden revelations, as photographers around the country captured proven weather modifying chemtrails and shared them on Social Media web sites. However, debate still rages on as to the purpose of chemtrails and as to just who “they” might be spraying the chemtrails.

Darryl Cox, 42, said the skies over Roanoke, Va. were “literally criss-crossed” with poisonous chemtrails – jet plumes, or “contrails” emanating from the exhaust ports of military and commercial jet-liners – and said he no longer feels safe living in the Shenandoah Valley. Cox describes Southwest Va. as a “hotbed” of chemical testing activity.

“Do chemtrails exist? Yes, they do,” said Cox. “But what is the government doing, and is it really even the government? My opinion is and always has been that these damn chemtrails are the work of the airline industry to engineer the air for the benefit of their fuel economy. I figure it don’t take much sprayin’ so’s that the part of the atmosphere they fly through would calm down real quick like. I mean they got control a everything, I tell you.”

Va. Governor-elect Terry McAuliffe (D) said he “does not intend” to constrain commercial air activity over Va., adding that the airline industry is a large source of revenue for the conservative state.

Cox explained that “lizard-people,” like McAuliffe, must eventually answer to the public for their transgressions against the well-being of the electorate.

“I swore to God that I seen them sprayin’ out here just the other day and I’ll tell you now, that was no ‘contrail.’ That there was my death at the hands of the lizard people. Ain’t you never heard about them lizard people? They’ll look just like anyone else, maybe their face a little slack-like. I seen ’em every damn day. Every damn day. They doin’ this, you seen ’em breathe it on in like they like it. Like it’s a nice fresh day outside, when chemtrails are rainin’ in.”

It is perhaps no coincidence, then, that Gov. McAuliffe resembles a lizard.

Still others, so-called ‘preppers’ for the coming food shortages, are sure the Chemtrails are yet another precarious link in the oil industry keeping starvation at bay. Bernie Myers, of Afton, says ending the collusion between food manufacturers and jet fuel companies will be the key to understanding and ending the secret weather control programs.

“It’s funny how the jet fuel industry seems to be cooperating with the food manufacturers to control the weather. No one knows about their secret operations, but it’s real. Snowden even said so. Weather modification is the only logical reason for cloud seeding, and if you do any research at all, you will find out the truth. It’s Monsanto. It’s Boeing. It’s Lockheed Martin. They’re doing this and the government has no idea.”

Cox assaulted Myers after he spoke these words, screaming, “It’s the government doin’ it, I mean who else has the money? Hey, they take my taxes. Obama’s got these chemtrails rainin’ down on us and it’s a part of the Muslim extermination plan, I tell you what. Either that or it’s the faggots. God damn, we all already dead. Could be tomorrow they lay down the last layer, the catalyst that will burn all of our bodies.”

Myers then claimed he saw Terry McAuliffe playing with his family in the acid rain after a heavy day of chemtrails, “He was so happy, like I’d never seen no lizard man before. It was like they was gettin’ some type of manna from heaven. In a way it was kinda touchin’, but I seen it myself. He’s a lizard and no doubtin’ it.”

Half-Black President Barack “Hussein” Obama is a strong supporter of McAuliffe, and recently vacationed in the dubiously-acquired Hawaiian Islands. Mr. Obama refused to lie about the existence of chemtrails Sunday, and has said nothing to deny the dangers of their existence.

MOSCOW — Snowden recently made an appearance at the Chaos Communication Congress in Berlin and promised to reveal more documents detailing invasive NSA surveillance. However, Snowden complained of trouble scoring marijuana, which he said is “essential” to further hacking work.

Although the audience laughed at this statement, Snowden lowered his iconic glasses and said, “This is serious guys. I’m not kidding. If any of you want to meet up after this talk and either smoke or give me some contacts, I’d be able to hook you up with some classified NSA info. Shit’s hot.”

Snowden did manage to score a few puffs from someone’s pinch-hitter in the parking lot, but sources confirmed he felt really uncomfortable around a bunch of new-age hippies he didn’t know, and he wasn’t exactly sure how to walk away without looking like a mooch. All of the hippies denied accepting classified documents from Snowden.

Ivan Iljanic is well-known among friends as being a resourceful drug connection and friend, even offering friend prices. But Ivan will not sell to just anyone.

“I know where some weed is,” Ivan said, “but you can’t tell Snowden. He obviously can’t be trusted with secrets.”

Ivan went on to suggest Snowden’s problems could be worse than simply being unable to acquire marijuana.

“I think he’s had enough pot already. Have you heard his conspiracy theories?” Ivan continued, “He told me ‘the NSA’ sold HDMI cables that spy on citizens and built hard drive rootkits into firmware. Don’t even know what that shit means. Dude’s off his rocker, and I honestly feel bad for him.”

Snowden admitted he had a few flaky connections who come through from time to time, but nothing regular, and later complained, “It’s hard to find pot in Russia not connected to the Mafia.”

Snowden said he used to get it off this guy who lived “up on the mountain,” but eventually the dealer was allegedly busted by Russian police, and now Snowden claims he is “too famous for leaking to meet new drug connections.” Snowden said, “There are very few people who don’t recognize me as the world’s most famous file leaker, and it feels deceptive not to tell them up front. I’ll say, ‘Hey, you know I’m Snowden, right?’ and they ask, ‘Snowden? Who’s he?’ At which point I’ll usually explain I’m a pretty big deal on the Internet. Then as soon as they figure out who I am, it’s all guns and yelling. Every time.”

INTERNET — Internet attorney Sue Brasko is at it yet again, making herself into an obvious punching bag for Anonymous trolls. Years ago, Susan Brasko’s religion, Scientology, was attacked by Anonymous, causing many of her best friends to leave the church only to be declared Suppressive Persons — Susan Brakso was forbidden to speak with her friends.

However, there were others like her all over the internet. Scientologists like Susan, terrified of the new powers gained by Anonymous, gathered in secret chat rooms much like the ones used by Anonymous. Susan and her new friends plotted different ways to thin the ranks of Anonymous, but the obvious first move was infiltration.

“Anonforecast” rose to prominence within many propaganda operations of Anonymous and pushed especially violent, negative imagery, often referring to hacked documents as “warheads.” Forecast, as he is also known, was later raided by police who confiscated his smart phone, a necessary medical “orthotic” prescribed to him after he suffered a traumatic brain injury. This raid was purportedly a response to Forecast’s involvement in the operation to bring vigilante justice and attention to rapist jocks in Steubenville, an operation associated by the news media with Deric Lotslucker AKA KYAnonymous. Forecast denies such accusations vehemently and luckily has seen his orthotic returned to him.

Strangely, no one knows for certain whether Forecast was in fact raided, or if he in fact exists. Forecast’s proximity to Susan Brasko and his trajectory in Anonymous suggests he may be yet another Scientologist infiltrator. There is also little proof of Susan Brasko’s existence other than a bizarre phone call received at Lebal Drocer Headquarters in which a twisted, robotic and nearly unintelligible voice terrified our editing staff, claiming to be Susan Brasko.

Saturday, Susan Brasko’s narrow beam of psyop hate fell on the hapless Nachash, former head of DoxBin and current contributor to Encyclopedia Dramatica. Brasko accused Nachash of extortion and intimidation, asking friends on Twitter to find dox in order to file criminal charges. Although Brasko has said these things many times before, no charges or lawsuits have ever been filed following such incidences of mutual internet bullying.

However, these psyops are so effective on Brasko’s part that Internet Radio shows such as Vince in the Bay have banned the mention of Brasko’s name. Even the brave and enduring editorial staff of the Internet Chronicle misspells Brasko’s name because Lebal Drocer legal experts said it would move the Internet Chronicle newsroom outside the radius of any of Brasko’s potential psyops.