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News

The Internet’s Top 10 Top 10

Nothing brings inordinate amount of Internet Traffic to amateurish writing like uselessly posturing pieces of art in pointless lists which imply one piece of art is better than another. 

1. Top 10 Most Gruesome Torture Methods (Cracked)

Yet another banal walk through torture methods that everyone already knows about somehow seems more interesting when juxtaposed with descending numbers. This is standard practice for Cracked, the site where humor writers go to die. Nowhere do they mention the greatest form of torture, electromagnetic neuromodulation. When neuromodulated, not only do you have no idea who is torturing you or why, but you can be made to sleep or blasted with extreme pain at any moment. Do you have Narcolepsy or Migraines, or is the Illuminati targeting you with neuromodulation? Hopefully they are, if you write this kind of swill for Cracked. Top Ten Lists on Cracked would top any list of Gruesome Torture Methods I could come up with.

2. Top 10 Top 10 Lists (TopTenz)

There are a legion of people who get off of work every night and find the most satisfying way to wind down is to read top ten lists, and of course they need a central location that arranges the top ten lists in a way that they can best access — Top Ten Top Ten Lists.

3. The Top Tens (TheTopTens)

The Top Tens is much like TopTenz only not as good. Hah! This is why Lists are Awesome. There are hundreds of these kinds of Top Ten aggregation web sites, but the ones that arrange Top Tens into Top Tens are by far the easiest to navigate.

4. Ten Bizarre Things You Can Get From a Vending Machine (ListVerse)

This is a great top ten list because it’s actually an advertisement for stupid business ideas which will fail miserably. This is posted on an old-style top ten aggregation web site, which means it doesn’t list all of its top tens in one centralized top ten list, even though the site contains nothing but top tens. Get with the times, ListVerse.

5. Time Magazine’s All-Time Best Lists (Time)

This isn’t a Top Ten, and it doesn’t even number the lists against each other, so the lists are not in any order I can get off on. However, there are hundreds of Lists, which proves that even legitimate magazines now have an office dedicated to cranking out enumerated lists. If only they would get with the times and enumerate their list of lists so I could finally decide which one is definitely the best.

6. Top 10 Interview Questions and Answers  (About.com)

There’s really nothing funny or entertaining about this list until you envision an employer who got all of his or her interview questions from an About.com Top Ten List and hired only people who also got their answers from the same About.com Top Ten List. That’s how excellent businesses like ListVerse and TopTenz got started.

7. The Top 10 Best Cities to Move to Today (The Onion)

A rollicking and hilarious ride through some of the fakest cities you’d never want to move to. Or, if you are fooled by the subtle satire, these actually seem like pretty nice places and you might be slightly disappointed to find out they aren’t real. Trolled once again by the Cyber-Bullies at The Onion.

8. The Ten Best Top-Ten Lists (Alternet)

The author of this article shares the same point of view as I do but then expresses it like a goody-two-shoes and tries to find Top-Ten lists that aren’t what I’m complaining about. A top ten list of lists that may actually be worth reading.

9. Ten Worst and Best Foods (Center For Science in the Public Interest)

This list doesn’t tell the poverty-stricken obese masses how to afford a diet of Wild Salmon and Unsweetened Greek Yogurt, but a Top Ten list is exactly the solution you’d expect from a bunch of namby pamby activists who believe in changing the world with stupid propaganda.

10. This List

That’s So Meta, Bro.

Categories
Health Law News Obituaries Politics Science Society World

“Gravity Bong” Explodes Mans Lungs

BOULDER, CO — Chet Goodman, 19, was killed last night when his lungs exploded from the use of what is called a “gravity bong,” to forcibly inhale marijuana smoke. Goodman had just returned to Boulder from his hometown of Los Angeles for fall semester at Colorado University, when his roommates suggested to ceremoniously get high together in their posh, but modest college mansion below the mountains.

Charles Webster, one of Goodman’s roommate, stated “We were about to get on’n smoke a little out of our regular bong, since we just got all back together from summer break and then Chad[Conrad] suggested we use a gravity bong instead.”

A gravity bong is a homemade device made from the severed top of a milk jug or in this case, a Hinckley Springs water cooler jug. A makeshift screen is created at the top where the marijuana is placed. The device is then lowered into a sink full of water, leaving the top exposed, as to not wet the marijuana. Fire is then applied to the pot as the contraption is then slowly lifted upward filling it with smoke and leaving the bottom partially submerged to keep the smoke contained. Users then remove the screen, placing their mouths on the lid and pushing the bong back into the water, effectively forcing the smoke into their lungs for a more “stony” high.

When reached for comment, the Internet Chronicle‘s Chief Scientist and DEA liaison, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said hazily, “Anyone stupid enough to fucking force shit into their lungs like that deserves to fucking die, man.”

The third roommate, Chad Conrad, who suggested they use a gravity bong is being held in Boulder County jail and has been officially charged with manslaughter and possession of marijuana without a medical card.

Categories
Politics Society World

Canadian PM Against Human Trafficking Totally Looks Like The Human Trafficking Type

Stephen Harper has that look on his face | chronicle.su

Canada’s ultra conservative Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, bears the resemblance of your typical sexual predator.

His wavy, artificial, parted hair shell – his coy, lazy smile and sloppy gaze, and his unbuttoned shirt and dad-glasses don Harper with the unassuming appearance of an aloof summer camp counselor, youth group coordinator, or varsity league football coach.

Regular sexual intercourse with young boys on the ‘whore boats’ of Lake Superior gives a man that uncanny glow, which Mr. Harper seems to shine everywhere he goes.

Harper, who stated that his government is “firmly committed” to combating human trafficking, was probably referring to the firmness of his dick for aboriginal prostitutes who, because of their marginalized positions in society, are offered no real protections from exploitation, but instead are issued politically convenient promises.

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Oftentimes these people who are most against prostitution are the worst offenders.

Tyler Bass, Chief Executive

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Many First Nations women, children and even babies are trafficked throughout Canada by the Harper regime under the umbrella of their own “protection,” similar to the Bosnian girls being trafficked out of their own nation into Europe and Russia by the UN peacekeeping forces designated to protect them specifically from that behavior.

Sometimes women are even trafficked across Lake Superior into the United States, author Dave Dean tells us. But mostly the Harper-sanctioned trafficking occurs within Canada, where his tyranny reigns unchecked through the alteration of federal documents.

“Oftentimes these people – typically they’re these hyperconservative types – who are most against [prostitution] are the worst offenders,” said Tyler Bass, Chief of the The Internet Chronicle’s Washington, D.C. bureau. “Like Republican Senator Larry Craig, for example: Craig of course was the outspoken anti-gay politician who was caught soliciting sex from strangers in an airport men’s room. You see this all the time in politicians.”

The Harper scandal is only just beginning to unfold, so monitor hashtag #harperscandal and stay tuned to The Internet Chronicle for the latest sensational headlines and more, brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

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