Category: News

INTERNET — This week, news broke that the YourAnonNews twitter account, with over a million followers, successfully raised $54,000 through merchandising and donations which will go towards founding the Activist News Network. This idea immediately brought painful ties with the abject Nazi-run Presstorm to the memory of critics. Presstorm was an Anonymous-related news site which disintegrated when management ran anti-Occupy scare propaganda at a time when the protest movement was just getting off the ground.

Members of YourAnonNews, with the possible exception of Presstorm collaborators, do not appear to actually write news stories, conduct interviews, or place hard-hitting reporters like Tyler Bass of The Internet Chronicle on the scene at pivotal moments in WikiLeaks history. Rather, YourAnonNews is a marketing-related news-aggregation group which, at its most creative, serves up naive platitudes to as many ravenous teenage radicals as possible and connects hordes of jabbering idiots with the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle.

A nascent anti-YourAnonNews group, AnonsAgainstYAN, has completely reified and magnified the problems of YourAnonNews by stripping the formula of all news unrelated to YourAnonNews and bringing the anti-platitude platitudes to a new low. This group immediately became wildly popular and led  several high-profile members of YourAnonNews to question their affiliation before completely forsaking their Anonymous identification. Because Anonymous swarms form in the same way as locusts — infighting and cannibalism leads to a biological change which turns docile grasshoppers into a frenzy of ravenous locusts — resident Anonymous experts at the Internet Chronicle expect a monumental shitstorm to hit within the week.

ANTARCTICA — Summer ice melts in Antarctica have revealed land that has been covered since the time of the dinosaurs, and according to Paleontologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, it’s revealed part of the preserved body of one of the largest animals to ever walk the earth. An Argentine expeditionary force, led by General Francisco Acevedo, found the mummified remains of what has been dubbed the Argentinosauros, a one hundred foot long herbivorous sauropod dinosaur.

Until now, scientists did not believe such a large quantity of flesh could be preserved for this long without being mostly replaced by minerals through the process of fossilization. “It must have been flash frozen in a perfectly dry environment for sixty-five million years. There’s still red meat on the thing, and there’s just no question we can easily clone a dinosaur. This is the most unbelievable discovery in human history,” Dr. Troubador said, with conviction.

AMERICA — Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, author of the bestselling do-it-yourself skin cancer removal book Slash and Save, excited fans with the publishing of his newest work, You’re Diseased! In this book, Dr. Troubadoor outlines the deep connection between pleasure and pathology, and he has graciously shared an excerpt from his introduction with the Internet Chronicle.

For many decades, man has known smoking and drinking, although pleasurable, are in fact cause for deep alarm. Just one drink, and you’ve caught the serious sickness known as alcoholism. Like alcohol, soft drinks also bring great pleasure, but did you know if you drink just one, you will also become diseased like an alcoholic? Do you have a loving relationship with a pet? You’re pathologically dependent! Do you and your friends form tight, interdependent bonds? You’re all sick! Do you masturbate or have sex? Nothing could be killing you more quickly! Think that a nice hike in the woods is a simple guiltless pleasure? Your joints don’t. Ever bathed in the warm sun and relished your tan skin afterwards? You’ve been damaged! Do you enjoy eating food? People who eat 30% less live 30% longer, and from this rule I have worked out that every bit of pleasure you experience will take an equal toll on your health. This is what I call the “Pleasure Pathology Principle,” and by eliminating pleasure from our lives not only can we escape every disastrous sickness, but we can learn to live practically forever!

Let’s be honest with ourselves for once. Death is around every corner. While it’s not possible for most people to quit drinking or smoking, one corollary of the “Pleasure Pathology Principle” is what I’ve dubbed “Guilt Stabilization Therapy.” Once a person realizes everything enjoyable is bad and indeed destructive to overall health, he or she is able to reduce the amount of pleasure by experiencing sweet, life-giving guilt. It’s as simple as balancing out all the “good” feelings with “bad” ones which are the only truly good feelings!

Few of us have the strength of will to eliminate all pleasure from our lives, and in fact many who believe they are successful at this task are indeed taking pleasure in eliminating pleasure and will soon die a terrible death. Some may even come to enjoy the normally benign “Guilt Stabilization Therapy,” thus rendering it useless in the quest for endless perfect health. Making your way through life without falling for seductions which will kill you and everyone you know is fraught with far more perils than these, and living in constant fear of your mortality while avoiding all pleasure is the healthiest thing you can do. However, most people don’t know what to be vigilant for and aren’t even aware of the expansive scale of deadly health-reducing pleasures. That’s why I’ve written this book, for the lay person, and I hope you are able to at least remove some Pathological Pleasure from your newly-extended life.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador