Roanoke, Va. – Steve Grabowski, a Roanoke factory worker, was disappointed Saturday by rubbery macaroni after re-heating it following a four-hour online-gaming binge during which he forget his girlfriend had prepared their dinner and left it sitting on his desk.
“It just wasn’t the same afterward,” Steve said with a grimace. “It was just so dry. It all stuck together, in one big clump.”
When asked to describe the sound the Velveeta shells ‘n cheese made under his fork, Steve simply stared at the floor and shook his head, saying, “There’s no mistaking that sound. It didn’t sound dry. It sounded ready. But it wasn’t. It would never be ready again.”
Experts told Elf Wax reporters that macaroni, when ready to eat, makes no sound at all. In a telephoned interview, Jack ReNeur of the Polytechnic Institute of Sound (Miami Fla.), said good macaroni “rolls in its cheesy lubricant,” and should exhibit “little to no audible friction with itself.”
All sounds aside, Steve said the issue was “not the sound or the appearance” of his macaroni shells, but with its “core temperature,” or what a thermometer would read if inserted directly into the center mass of macaroni once scooped into a bowl or upon a plate.
Steve blames the government for not giving Velveeta the go ahead on including a carcinogenic compound used in self-heating shoe insoles to keep his macaroni warm for days at a time. “This whole thing was preventable,” he said.
Suprisingly, the FDA passed up their opportunity to poison the general populus with the knowledge that they would receive no pharmaceutical kickbacks upon treatment for the resulting organ failures the artificial chemical could have induced. Their press department was not immediately available for comment.
Steve said he was left with no choice but to rubberize his macaroni under microwave radiation using his residential-strength Kenmore microwave oven. “I even set it to medium,” he intimated. “But it was already too far gone.”
When asked if Steve’s addiction to the online RPG Phantasy Star Universe could be to blame, his eyes flickered with apprehension and he became violent and aggressive to reporters, demanding that they remove themselves from his property before he calls the authorities. His children stood behind him crying and begging him to stop shouting, but he had already brandished a black Remington shotgun and was aiming it directly at the News Channel 7 camera crew.
“PSU’s got shit to do with this. Now get your fucking hippie picture people out of here before I prove to my retarded son just how son-of-a-bitchin’ addicted I am.”
Velveeta has issued a formal apology to the Grabowski family – not for their shortcomings – but for Steve’s “crude, white trash behavior” and has said they will not pay the reparations he “drunkenly demanded via Facebook Monday night.”
