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Categories
Religion Science

The Rowntree Delusion

ALRart.net
ALRart.net

Accessible to every thinking mind, the Transcolonial Hivemind* rapidly became the sum of all sentience. The accelerated condensation of information itself caused raw data to rain from the sky and gather in shiny, silver pools like mercury. These effects were unaccounted-for by-products of the Old Method left over as a pestilent subsonic hum. Transcolonists dubbed the phenomenon “devil particles” because it is a remnant entropy that challenges their current models and laws of nature.

The only way the Elders of the Transcolony can decontaminate the collective unconsciousness is to jettison, every millennium or so, the vestigial buildup that occurs. The Transcolonists learned to create a series of sustainable black holes to send the offending information out into the great beyond, and integrated them into magnetic facilities serving as quantum release valves boasting near-autonomous activation. Somewhere, some group of Transcolonists thinks about the buildup as it affects them, so everyone thinks about it, and the black holes open wide to suck out the devil particle and cast it far out into space – into another time and another place – making life easy again, for the time being, on the Transcolony.

Now it just so happens that a white hole has spawned over the Earth as we currently know it. Like a second Sun, the white hole hangs overhead, ejecting macroscopic pulses of unprocessed information cast off from a totally thought-driven society somewhere else in the Universe. That “somewhere else” is here. As it hugs and ensnares the Earth mesosphere, scientists send a satellite into the silver ejecta stream, and inject what returns into the Large Hadron Supercollider. The particulate matter unfortunately contains information in a form that can not exist on Earth, and on collision, explodes one third of the Solar System into a never-ending pattern of self-replication, fueled by the adjacent white hole. Each copy of our stellar neighborhood collapses immediately in on itself, causing exponential gravitational influx that won’t settle until the Andromeda Galaxy and Milky Way converge a few billion years later. A black hole turns space inside out as the cataclysm renders a chain of fractal trees containing infinite sets of nonreal solutions. The Transcolony will not learn until it is too late that the white hole on the business end of their trash compactor has combined with a supergiant black hole and reversed, sending data back through the wormhole.

Gradually, the Transcolonists are bestowed with the power to make up and believe false stories, and the entire Transcolony founds a series of glorious religions together, all of which now embrace the entropic God particle. Reproduction is no longer fatal, so Transcolonists coerce one another into making what they call “Love,” as they aspire to drive fast cars, desecrate each other with bodily waste, commit genocides against the Transcolony, vote, and hunt aggressively for Black Friday deals at market. The Transcolony spends each day entertained and astounded by the deep discounts made possible by new ideals of individuality and codified slavery. As the oppressive Hivemind decays, Pure Freedom is born.

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* The Hive

      The Elders had spent a long time developing their thought centers and, with further contemplation, successfully condensed the entirety of each living, collective consciousness into a single entity. This being became capable of acting perfectly as a whole by exercising the full capacity of each independent subset of the universal mind. Their first step, like ours, was to build an “Internet.” Much later, an organic meta-subconsciousness evolved beyond the control of the multitudinous network of minds that powered it. The changes prompted a revolution in temporal emulation to replicate the nebulous thought-cloud on which the collective consciousness now operates freely with ease. It is fully read-write and everyone is plugged in.
THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU PROUDLY BY LEDAL DROCER, INC.
COMPLETE OWNERSHIP

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Categories
Health

Seasonal Flu Tips From Doctor Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Angstrom H. Troubador’s new self-help health book for “bros,” Healthy as Fuck, hits shelves this Christmas.

Sup fellow dudes? Have you noticed a slimy feeling in your chest? Does it feel like you got herpes on your lungs? Yeah, that’s you gettin’ sick, bro.

It’s probably time to lay down the bong for a minute and just chill out on some acid instead, or something that doesn’t bother your lungs, like Quaaludes.

Back in the land before time, old people used to give whiskey to little kids and it would cure their cough. Now that you’re an adult, you no longer need smelly old people, or their war stories. Now you can pick up a case of Miller Lite or a 40-ounce bottle of medicine at your closest 7-Eleven. It’s the way they did it in olden times. Though there are more effective methods of treating the flu, chugging forties gives you the most bang for your buck. You feel better, AND you feel better!

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur, a real doctor, recommends shotgunning twelve-ounce medicine canisters by stabbing a blade into the aluminum can and sucking around the hole you made. As you guzzle beer, your body naturally battles the poisons applied to your liver, giving your immune system the boost it needs to combat serious ailments such as:

  • SEASONAL FLU SYMPTOMS
  • HEADACHES
  • GOUT
  • MEASLES
  • WHOOPING COUGH
  • AIDS
  • SCARLET FEVER
  • Leaky broads
  • & HPV

Ask your “doctor” today!

THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU GRACIOUSLY BY LEBAL DROCER, INC.
WE OWN EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS.

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Categories
News Science

HURRICANE SANDY WREAKS SAVAGE DESTRUCTION

SANDY EXPLODES NUCLEAR POWER PLANT

SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — HURRICANE SANDY HAS SWEPT THE NORTHEAST, LEAVING A TRAIL OF INCOMPARABLE DESTRUCTION. A COMBINATION OF HIGH TIDE AND STORM SURGE HAS FLOODED THE MONTAUK AND OYSTER CREEK NUCLEAR FACILITIES,  NOW REPORTEDLY AT SUPERCRITICAL MASS. MELTDOWN IS IMMINENT, AND AREA RESIDENTS ARE BEING FORCEFULLY EVACUATED TO NEARBY FEMA CAMPS.

THE CONEY ISLAND HOSPITAL HAS CAUGHT FIRE AND THE FDNY IS UNABLE TO RESPOND BECAUSE BRIDGES HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN DUE TO HIGH WINDS AND FLOODING.

UPDATE: THIS CONEY ISLAND FIRE RUMOR MAY HAVE BEEN A HOAX BUT THE ANNOUNCEMENT IT IS A HOAX MAY ITSELF BE A HOAX. THERE IS TOO MUCH MAYHEM TO TELL. HACKERS MAY HAVE INFILTRATED THE TWITTER ACCOUNTS OF ALL LOCAL AUTHORITIES. TRUST NOTHING BUT THE INFALLIBLE internetchronicle.org/

FACILITIES HOUSING NUCLEAR WEAPONS HAVE BEEN FLOODED, AND SCIENTISTS FEAR AN ACCIDENTAL DETONATION DUE TO THE NEUTRON-INSULATING PROPERTIES OF SALT WATER.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME UNLESS IT IS ON FIRE OR IN THE DIRECT GAMMA RADIATION ZONE OF THE NUCLEAR INCIDENTS, AND THEN ONLY WITH USE OF A RADIATION SUIT. A MAKESHIFT RADIATION SUIT MAY BE CONSTRUCTED WITH DUCT TAPE AND ALUMINUM FOIL. RESCUE TEAMS HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO MOBILIZE SO THE NATIONAL GUARD AND THE FEMA YOUTH CORPS HAVE BEEN ACTIVATED. MARTIAL LAW HAS BEEN DECLARED IN 14 STATES. COOPERATE WITH FEMA IMMEDIATELY OR YOU WILL BE SHOT.