My bandmate Nic Endo had just stepped out of the room to apply mascara, so I seized the moment to beat a very secret (and very hasty!) tattoo to the social media feed that scans the Internet for all mentions of my name. But I could tell that something was out of wack with *this* feed in a hurry! I noticed some unusual activity coming from 4chan. A picture of a hot BBW bent over and displaying her gigantic sexy ass and gnarled yellow calloused feet, which I just wanted to chew on like a delectable cheese, appeared in my feed. Someone had posted a thread about Atari Teenage Riot in 4chan’s /mu/ saying “this is the most fucked up thing i’ve ever read.”
Editor's note: Holy fuck
I clicked the link and my T-Mobile 4G smartphone loaded this completely fucked up pink and yellow website run by this dumbass American named svirgula. He was just up to his usual, I guess. I mean, trying too hard at trolling and thinking he’s reeeeeally clever. Yeah, well he was up to this bullshit where he wrote this really intricate but completely idiotic hit piece on me, because you know that’s what he does. Just trolls people all vitriolic and contrarian-like. But get a load of this shit, I will outline his horrible argument with the skills I learned from West Berlin Hauptschule instructor, Mr. Hüüba.
First of all, svirgula is clearly a complete idiot. For he presented this argument with the straight face of a simpleton:
i) svirgula presented me with the Ryan story because he knew I would take up the cause in an attempt to look vaguely political.
ii) And then he showed us actual tweets in which i said i’d mention Ryan Cleary at our shows until Atari Teenage Riot finished a song about him.
iii) And then he added that I said I mentioned Ryan at the Melt Festival.
iv) And then he said that there’s no way I couldn’t have been completely uninformed about this political issue in the first place because if I had done even the quickest skim the news, I would have seen that Ryan was just a basic cybercriminal.
v) And *then* he just commented that it was depressing that I pretended to care about this kid’s cause even though I knew absolutely nothing about it, or even cyberactivism generally.
vi) This didn’t surprise svirgula because he never really thought I was sincere and that I’ve been doing the same act for the last 20 years.
And now my mom just walked into the room and do you know what she said?
“The thing about you, Alec, is that your whole ATR act has always been about your vague opposition to East Germany, even though Pappi and I kept you snuggled up in West Berlin. Remember that? But do you really want to know what the funny thing is?
“East Germany created this…”
“…and the West created… YOU!”
EDITOR’S NOTE:
Fuck you, Alec Empire.
Alec Empire is the sexy frontman of the cyberpunk act Atari Teenage Riot. In his spare time, he enjoys hollow activist gestures, rave parties and getting electrolysis.
Due to his multiple moving violations confusing command hallucinations to tweet with stop signs, th3j35t3r has had his d0xing license taken away after a failed an hero.
Neoconservative DDoS faggot "th3j35t3r" announced on Thursday evening in a poorly written Pastee that he would begin seeking treatment "at the syldxiea clinic."
"Ya I ben having lot sof conversations with my wifey Mach and we think thats the best thing for me at this time, rumers of me haveing downs are grately exagerated, I actually have asspurgers" Th3j35t3r wrote this in the internetchronicle.org/ comment section, which he frequents regularly during extended fap sessions, as he squats over a mirror for a better view of his gaping asshole. He elaborated, "I once read a publishers clearinghouse advertisement as a personal letter from my mother and bought 14.6 million dollars worth of subscriptions to fish and fowl."
However, members of #jester told a slightly more sordid story.
"Basically he was illiterate," said Chatterb0x, connoisseur of vegetarian Hot Pockets, which are for people who dont eat meat, but still want diarrhea. The j35t3rfag and Chatterb0x both frequent the same glory hole on every topic that no one gives a shit about. "He made me cam with him topless once and to brow beat me in to writing his Pastee entries, telling me "it rubs the hair gel on its nipples or it gets the DDoS again! I didn't really understand. I felt so dirty and confused, and I had to wring my pillow out 3 times that night before I finally fell asleep."
"The guy struts around in a women's one piece french-cut swimsuit, a potato wedged in his ass crack to ward off the evil potates, wearing a full face latex los luchadores mask. Always comes up to me and asks 'Chattie, do you think that I'm a baddie?' Whatever the lord fuck that means. Dude has an awesome collection of Batman comics, though."
Fans and beneficiaries of the j35t3r and his work include the Dept. of Justice, NAMBLA and Dell Computers.
Editor’s note:
"I'm Adrian Chen, and I can't see the humor in the internetchronicle.org/ and why they like to be ripping on The Jester (TM). I think the jester is a pretty cool guy. eh DDoS unintelligible jihad sites and doesnt afraid of anything."
I’m Adrian Chen, and I endorse CP, among others that may or may not ring true.
internetchronicle.org/–NewsCorp’s premiere chat service, News of the Chat of the News World, functions by way of a high-speed underground network of rare Emperor Cheetahs, which are blocked for their usefulness by anti-cheetah hospital security systems everywhere.
Cheetahs fly through the network at the speed of sound, jaws agape, devouring packets you didn't even request, and ready to suck blood.
Expert analysis:
Years of warmongering, bloodthirstiness, Kahane-level Zionism and utter hatred of Arabs had not entirely divested Mr. Murdoch of his dealings with the Arab Cheetahs. Saudi money had acquired quite a bit of his Neocon twistiness, and finally the Arab Cheetahs were allowed over that tricky border between Egypt and Gaza — where nearby, on the Egyptian side, only, like, six people in a group are allowed to walk at a time — and into the D.C.-sized deathaplex they ruptured. Their lightweight tails smacked against the backs of their noble legs as they poured into the world’s largest prison camp, trails of saliva, like shoelaces, lapping against their forelegs.
“It’s a lolfest if you don’t know what to expect before going down there,” reported freelance cheetah dealer Joe Bradley, 45. “Innocent people getting d0x3d left and right, cheetahs prancing around at high volume with hateful messages pinned to their shock collars, and they’re like, ‘What the fuck, I should be in the savannah pouncing on the fucking river, drinking caribou and throttling gazelle, not running copyedits to and fro. Fuck that wrinkled old prick!'”
Murdoch’s viewers have been internationally recognized to possess the lowest, basest possible understanding of the dynamics that created the Fox News — oops, I mean, the second Iraq War, the one following the harrowing, “courageous” embargo of the southwest Asian country that killed billions of innocent cheetahs. That country is known to us as North Korea.
Wearing Gacy-like clown makeup at time of press, Mr. Murdoch announced that it made complete sense that his average viewer possesses the cognitive/reality coherence that they would call “Osama bin Laden” “Saddam Hussein.” This is a result of mass-consumption of furry pornography.
[pullquote]”I thought I could make an edifice as large as those structures in Bioshock III take off.”
Rupert Murdoch
NewsCorp[/pullquote]”I would never have imagined that people would have bought so much of my flag-fellating bullshit. Ever since Bush I was able to make that incubator-baby crap fly, I thought I could make an edifice as large as those structures in Bioshock III take off.”
“Good doggies do tricks,” added Mr. Murdoch, red food-coloring dye, as used by goth kids, running down opposite sides of his mouth along with saliva, red ink trailing into the white.
In spite of their rebellious demeanors, the cheetahs remain polite because should they resist, they will be put to death, skinned and crafted into spectacularly jewel-encrusted thongs for Murdoch to prance around in.
“They’re not outspoken about their plight but they should be,” said cheetah specialist Speedy McFeely of the Bristol Motor Speedway, Virginia and fucken redneck.
Adrian “Cheetah” Chen approached the Virginia physics expert and without asking permission bent him over and snorted a line of cocaine off the small of his back. With lips pursed, Adrian softly sucked his dick, which instead of semen, leaked the phone records of celebrities and d0x of LulzSec hackers.
One cheetah busted out the cocaine in front of reporters as Murdoch – who audibly gasped at the faux pas – pondered it a moment and opted instead to cup his genitals crying, “Not here, man. The cameras. Shit’s tainted with skin-rotting levamisole. You know what that does to my ballsack.”
Murdoch hatefully orders the reporters out of his hospital suite and defecates in his bed. The hateful troll-cheetah delivers Murdoch his percocets, and Murdoch takes out a small tray, a credit card and a rolled up tin-bob note.
“Who’s the pussy now, bitch?” roars Murdoch. “We’ve got to get these children off of Google+. It’s like a disease, man a fucking KID [emphasis added] disease. Delete the little fucker’s emails to his grandma, if that’s what it takes. They’re worthless, because they were written by a CHILD [emphasis added].” Rupert Murdoch buries his face into the fur of a cocaine-dusted cheetah and insufflates a full breath of cocaine as it wanders idly by. His eyes then glaze over and turn a fiery red.
[pullquote]”Come here son, I’ll tuck your shirt in for you.”
Rupert Murdoch[/pullquote]”Show me your MySpace before you go!” calls out Murdoch, half-erect and blind from cocaine. “Come here son, I’ll tuck your shirt in for you.”
To Mr. Murdoch, the cheetahs look like small children, ready for molestation. Murdoch passes out, drool glazing his wrinkled face.
Media Mogul dreams of Yao Ming and his network of cheetahs. In his dreams, he snorts a line of crushed percocets to kill the pain.
“Thank God it’s not that levamisole-tainted bullshit,” he remarks to the pool-boy, “and thank God it’s lab-produced morphine.
Krokodil gets the Cheetahs high, makes their dicks grow and nurtures their latent homosexual tendencies as a means of population control. They cook up various drugs in Murdoch’s Russian apartment, and come out stinking of iodine. Murdoch reeks of Cheetah anus, the latent evidence of a recent shitler hitler still slightly noticable. It is grim, but oddly arousing to this reporter.
Cheetah Mogul, following his addiction to rare cheetahs
“I’m assembling a panel of premade emoticons to tell a story because I am autistic,” Murdoch tells the press. “Ctrl+v for autism. Look only at mouths while communicating.”A new trend in communication is sweeping the Internet, churches and wi-fi cafés. “Create a rage comic if you want to propose to your husband or call out a troll,” said Murdoch. “Create a rage comic while high on Krokodil, before taking a line of levamisol-tainted cocaine. My flesh is rotting away and all I can do is read the next rage comic. Twitter has become my only outlet for communication, after rage comics.”
Murdoch is visibly upset by this point and releases an odor resembling that of decomposing flesh. It is decomposing flesh. The cheetahs pull the plug on his life-support and he dies a slow painful death emitting a gurgling puddle of feces, writhing in a nightmarish hell, and being mercilessly ripped apart and taunted by his once loyal army of cheetahs.
@mogul yo dawg you got any #krokodil, I’m trying to get down
"Just looked at the first reddit post in a long while," Murdoch mumbles to himself before documentary filmmakers overlapping with the internetchronicle.org/ doing coverage of the long-term effects of cheetah-addiction. He gently rolls the click-wheel of his mouse down a cat-lover furryboard gleefully tapping his foot and singing "im a little man, also evil, also in to cats"
“To avoid downvotes, everyone prefaces their statements with an apology and an explanation of what their comment is not.” #fagreddit
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