Dear Boxxy, you are so sexy and queen of the trolls. Will you take my hand in marraige?
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Category: Trolling
A recent pastebin hoax portending to be a leaked diplomatic cable from the office of Hillary Clinton, it seems, was actually written by me. This was discovered after a careful search through my browser history, as I was blackout drunk and high on one too many drugs at the time I wrote the pastebin.
S E C R E T STATE 047326 NOFORN SIPDIS E.O. 12958: DECL: 05/08/2034 TAGS: PINR IR SUBJECT: (SBU) LULZSEC AND ITS POSSIBLE RELATION TO HAMAS AND THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT(C-NE9-00993) Classified By: SUZANNE MCCORMICK, DIR., INR/OPS. REASON: 1.4(C). ¶1. (C/NF) WASHINGTON ANALYSTS ARE HIGHLY INTERESTED IN REPORTS REGARDING IRANIAN GOVERNMENT'S PRESENCE IN CYBERSPACE. ANTI-AMERICAN SLOGANS AND MESSAGES HAVE BEEN SPREAD WITH THE AID OF ILLEGAL HACKING. THESE ATTACKS ARE MOST LIKELY A COOPERATIVE ACTION OF BOTH HAMAS AND THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT. ON 17 JULY 2011, THE SUN WAS HACKED BY LULZSEC AND A STORY WAS PLACED WHICH THREATENED THE LIFE OF RUPERT MURDOCH. THIS IS A TYPICAL LULZSEC ATTACK, TARGETING A MEDIA OUTLET. ¶A. (C) WHAT, IF ANY, TIES DOES THIS ATTACK HAVE TO IRANIAN INTERESTS? WHAT ARE THEIR MOTIVATIONS FOR WEAKENING WESTERN MEDIA OUTLETS LIKE PBS AND THE SUN? ¶B. (C) IN WHAT WAY IS SABU RELATED TO HAMAS? IS HE POSSIBLY TIED TO MORE EXTREME GROUPS SUCH AS AL-QAEDA? 1) (C) WHAT KIND OF SUPPORT DOES SABU HAVE WITHIN ANONYMOUS AND THE UNITED STATES? 2) (C) CAN SABU'S SUPPORTERS BE ACCESSED BY OUR INFILTRATORS IN HAMAS AND AL-QAEDA, AND IF SO, HOW QUICKLY? 3) (C) HOW CAN ODYSSEY BE USED TO DAMPEN SUPPORT FOR LULZSEC? ¶C. (C) PLEASE CITE C-NE9-00993 IN THE SUBJECT LINE OF REPORTING IN RESPONSE TO THE ABOVE QUESTIONS. CLINTON
I must have drunkenly entered the mind of Hillary Clinton, because this hoax has received over 9,000 views on pastebin. It has also been republished in many other publications of high repute, as final proof of Barrett Brown’s paranoid theories. Until now, the Romas/COIN theories were based only on circumstantial evidence.
After further investigation of my internet history, it seems this whole hoax began with an extended masturbation session on /b/. After that, I spent about two hours reading through everything on WikiLeaks that had ever come from the Secretary of State. At the time I didn’t realize I was reading documents written by both Hillary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice, but they write in the exact same voice anyway. I studied every intricacy of Clinton and Rice’s authoritative writing style. I find it impossible to believe I did this without touching myself.
The only person who really picked up on this hoax was th3j35t3r, and he has since done his best to tie Sabu with Islamic terrorists. However, he hasn’t done half the job I did, and I did it only to mock those who would believe it. After all his practice, you think th3j35t3r would have learned how to troll by now.
You’ve been trolled so hard, Hillary Clinton.
Every tech nerd, geek and new owner of adult novelties are glued the their news feeds, all asking the same thing:
Will Topiary, hailing from the island of Yell, be a hot hipster or a nasty, ugly nerd like Ryan? Most likely, he will fall somewhere in between, and is likely a eunuch.
But we’re smarter than regular people, and we’re asking a different question. Ideas pour in from Lebal Drocer headquarters about how we can capitalize on the debacle as investigators close in on LulzSec leadership, reaching for the upper hierarchy, which @Alec_Empire reportedly hates.
Hands were wringing at the Chronicle office, painkillers swallowed, when cub reporter Nick Maccombs of the internetchronicle.org/ had an epiphany (acid trip) for profit. During a meeting with executives Maccombs released the deathgrip on penis and blurted out, without permission, "OMG GUYS LETS START MERCHANDISING TOPIARY PRODUCTS $$ Im having visions of bansai trees with monocles and tophats! well be fucking rich! Nigger-rich."
Dolla dolla billz, y’all.
Lebal Drocer is allegated to have begun mass-production of Topiary merchandise including t-shirts, coffee mugs, posters, commerative chia pets and flatbrimmed caps. All proceeds will go into Lebal Drocer’s latest effort to offer smartphone apps to political prisoners which would allow them to continue the shared Twitter feeds of LulzSec hierarchy.
“We hope this will keep the general populus dumb and sheep-like,” intimated Lebal Drocer spokesperson and transcendental man Raleigh Theodore Sakers.
[pullquote]”Also, cocks.”
-The intern[/pullquote]
Media Mogul is reported as saying, “[Topiary] deserves to rot in jail. He once crashed a defunct old piratenpad we weren’t using but it pissed me off on principle. The Second Amendment, God and country.”
In the end, friends thought Topiary's addiction to online chess would be his downfall, but that was before he was outed by Ryan, lol. We get to see Topiary's face tomorrow. It is absolutely imperative that internetchronicle.org/ covers the proceedings.
“$10 he is thin, pale and walks with a limp.”
-Sabu