Britney Spears dies before Work Bitch Goes Quadruple Platinum
McComb, MISSIPPI — After Britney Spears seemingly failed in her latest Europop-style comeback single Work Bitch, the singer died from complications resulting from Dibetus. Spears reportedly went on a dangerous eating binge which triggered the diabetic attack. Work Bitch has since skyrocketed on the charts, earning the Britney Spears Estate 20 billion dollars overnight. Family has promised to donate the proceeds of the album to the Childhood Dibetus Foundation. Spears suffered from childhood dibetus, an illness which robbed her of insulin and at times caused her to shave all her hair off.
Make-shift shrines were erected across the country, and fans have left flowers and hand-written notes in remembrance of Spears. “I’m going to work so hard I’ll be the next Britney,” said one crying teenage fan, adding, “And all the haters just need to leave her alone! This bitch will work until they’re all dead.“
INTERNET – The Associated Press is in a buzz over a controversial new review of Soda Shaq, the popular beverage that took the sugary drink market by storm over the summer. CNN called the video “reprehensible” while FOX News ran various clips from the 17 minute video on their morning show Fox And Friends, who praised the closing five minute reading of Glenn Beck’s bestselling classic The Overton Window.
Joey’s World Tour has yet to come forward with their promised shout out, but the undeniable fame of the second installment of The Internet Chronicle drink review of Vanilla Cream Soda Shaq is widely expected by critics to produce unique and satisfying results, including the possibility of a shout-out and Type II diabetes.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour recommends a tall can of Soda Shaq to assist in extended play throughs of the popular new murder simulator Grand Theft Auto V. “I’d even say that if you’re going to stay up all night checking in-game stocks, that you just have yourself a mini-fridge full of the shit,” Troubadour said. “It’s all natural, which, that’s just everything nowadays.”
SODA SHAQ VANILLA CREAM SODA REVIEWED
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“I’m Dr. Troubadour, and I approve this website.”
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour
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Real doctor
Dr. Troubadour is a real doctor committed to improving well-being and sense of self. Dr. Troubadour, who has your best interests in mind, does not want you to worry about the small stuff. He does not want your money. He just wants you to drink Soda Shaq and chill out, dude.
Dr. Troubadour has helped out on a lot of abortions and is usually pretty cool about it. He does not look his customers in the eye during the process, but sometimes it can’t be helped. He won’t tell your friends or family what you did, and he tries to keep it to himself.
A former girlfriend reveals Tommy Wiseau’s former job as an Al-Qaeda drug runner.
HOLLYWOOD — Tommy Wiseau, director of acclaimed movie The Room, was found dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound after his former girlfriend came forward with her account of the real life events which inspired The Room. Jolene McKinsey, Wiseau’s former fiance, told Internet Chronicle reporters, “I would say that The Room was based on our relationship, but Tommy’s reversed the roles. He slept with my best friend and was a cheap drunk. The only part he got right was how he couldn’t get aroused without humping my chest and abdomen.”
Many details of Tommy Wiseau’s personal life have formerly been a mystery to fans of The Room, but McKinsey told all. “Tommy is actually blonde and he made his money running opium and hashish from Afghanistan to his hometown in Austria and selling it to his friends in France. After 9/11, Tommy pulled a fast one on some of his Afghan business partners and wound up with a secret fatwah issued for his assassination by Al-Qaeda. So Tommy hid all his money in a Swiss bank and fled to America and he’s been laundering the Al-Qaeda drug money since, with all sorts of idiotic schemes. He thinks dying his hair black will fool the terrorists. They’ll kill him and make it look like a suicide, like in his movie.”
Greg Setero, who starred in The Room, recently released a book detailing his involvement in the $6 million production of the movie. When asked whether or not Tommy Wiseau could possibly have led a former life of crime, Setero said, “Suddenly all the strange questions I’ve had about Tommy make sense. May Tommy rest in peace.”
