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Health

Seasonal Flu Tips From Doctor Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Angstrom H. Troubador’s new self-help health book for “bros,” Healthy as Fuck, hits shelves this Christmas.

Sup fellow dudes? Have you noticed a slimy feeling in your chest? Does it feel like you got herpes on your lungs? Yeah, that’s you gettin’ sick, bro.

It’s probably time to lay down the bong for a minute and just chill out on some acid instead, or something that doesn’t bother your lungs, like Quaaludes.

Back in the land before time, old people used to give whiskey to little kids and it would cure their cough. Now that you’re an adult, you no longer need smelly old people, or their war stories. Now you can pick up a case of Miller Lite or a 40-ounce bottle of medicine at your closest 7-Eleven. It’s the way they did it in olden times. Though there are more effective methods of treating the flu, chugging forties gives you the most bang for your buck. You feel better, AND you feel better!

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur, a real doctor, recommends shotgunning twelve-ounce medicine canisters by stabbing a blade into the aluminum can and sucking around the hole you made. As you guzzle beer, your body naturally battles the poisons applied to your liver, giving your immune system the boost it needs to combat serious ailments such as:

  • SEASONAL FLU SYMPTOMS
  • HEADACHES
  • GOUT
  • MEASLES
  • WHOOPING COUGH
  • AIDS
  • SCARLET FEVER
  • Leaky broads
  • & HPV

Ask your “doctor” today!

THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU GRACIOUSLY BY LEBAL DROCER, INC.
WE OWN EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS.

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News

Anarchy, Anarchists, and Anarchocrats

Anarchy

Anarchy, in Sid Meyer’s Civilization video game series, is a state of upheaval where government is temporarily unable to provide cities with logistical bonuses. Although the absence of government is the most common meaning given for Anarchy, there are others.

“Anarchy is the natural state without the modernized cultural spin. It is what we truly are and how we actually behave . . . anarchy is human nature.” ~ Rachel Haywire — Attack The System dot com

Pure Anarchy, here, is a universal force embedded in human nature which rejects coercive social pressures. It is not only a force, but a primordial state existing outside of culture. It is the idealized individuality of the motherless Padmasambhava.

Anarchists

The common definition of Anarchy gives way to the stereotypical Anarchist bomber who simply wants to create a lapse in government through violence. Of course, like most people, very few Anarchists are violent. Not only that, but there is disagreement about which kinds of governance are benign and which must be abolished. Left-Anarchists may see Capitalist power as the primary coercive force, whereas Anarcho-Capitalists see Democracy as the major offender. In either case, both sides acknowledge the necessity of one flavor of coercion or another, in order to reach a maximized state of liberty. These kinds of Anarchists regularly use coercion, such as transgressive speech acts or traffic disruptions, in an attempt to decrease the sum total of coercion.

[pullquote]”The heavens and the earth are not partial to institutionalized morality.” ~ Lau Tzu — Dao De Jing[/pullquote]Existence as a social animal implies coercion. Seemingly, the only way to escape the social situation is death or exile, and moral codes founded on non-coercion quickly become a platform for coercion. This Pure Anarchy is not an end that can be attained through sustained effort but rather an ideal means. To be an Anarchist, in this sense, is profound way-making, nothing short of enlightenment.

Anarchocrats

[pullquote]”The ends justify the means.” ~ Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli[/pullquote]Anarchocrats, a purposefully derisive neologism, are Anarchists with an endgame. These are the mad bombers, the Left-Anarchist communal ideologues, and the Anarcho-Capitalist profit-utopians. Anarchocrats are instrumentalists; they believe ideology can only succeed when coercively imposed on the whole of society. Then the sheeple will see the light! Only the Anarchocrats are trying to coerce people into non-coercion, something has short-circuited, and somehow through some bizarre self-deception they’ve convinced themselves this could possibly work. If only they got more people on the streets shouting, if only somehow conditions got worse! Then! Then we’ll find Anarchocrats everywhere!

Conclusion

There seems to be little wisdom in adopting a label that is commonly understood as violent and dangerous. Still, it’s a real cool mark of a true counter-cultural revolutionary to proclaim oneself an Anarchist and take all the oh-so-misunderstood negative denotations and connotations which come with it. Sheep in wolves’ clothing are nothing new, a get-up which inspires fear. It’s a quick ego boost and a rush of power, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with non-coercion.

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News

Paula Broadwell’s Anonymous Threats

Paula Broadwell is Anonymous

INTERNET — Paula Broadwell, embattled mistress and biographer of David Petraeus, sent threatening anonymous emails to Jill Kelley including several common threats used by the hacking collective Anonymous.

Analyst Angstrom H. Troubador suggests Paula Broadwell has the kind of access to top-secret files that Anonymous has only dreamed of until now, and commented, “She most likely leaked the really good stuff that Bradley Manning couldn’t even get to. That new TYLER program, it’s pretty slick. Anyone can get away with leaks now! That shit’s made by occultist cryptographers. Real serious business.”

[pullquote]”We are Anonymous. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us, Jill Kelley.” ~ Paula Broadwell[/pullquote]The FBI investigation has turned up no evidence of leaks, as would be expected, but rumors have caused the Pentagon to grind to a halt, as computer experts comb through billions of wires for traces of Paula Broadwell and her threatening Anonymous communications.

ABC reports:

Earlier this year, around the time that Petraeus and Broadwell were breaking off their affair, Kelly began receiving anonymous emails, which she found so threatening she went to authorities. The FBI traced the messages, which have been linked to the hacking collective Anonymous, to Broadwell’s computer, where they found other salacious and explicit emails between Broadwell and Petraeus that made it clear to officials that the two were carrying on an affair.