Categories
Hate Uncontrollable Patriotism

White House Demands Assange Assassination

Hillary Clinton

Washington, D.C. — Calls ring out of the White House for Julian Assange’s assassination following leaked documents penned by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton calling for investigations by every government agency into the online activities of Sabu, LulzSec afficionado, who she suspects to be connected with Hamas, Iran and known terrorist organizations.

Clinton threatened Assange Monday during a White House press conference by calling for his genitals.

“I want his balls,” Clinton said. “I want his dick. On my desk, I mean I want it severed and put on ice so I can ride it – I mean throw it from the window of a moving limousine. Assange is a threat to our freedoms and a menace on society.”
Already bounties are springing up around the planet for the renegade journalist and publisher.

Human Rights Watch advocates say they are concerned calls for Julian Assange’s head is a threat to global free speech but Rupert Murdoch, prominent free speaker, says otherwise.

Rupert Murdoch
Rupert Murdoch is insulted by the question.

In a symposium on the principles of ethical reporting, Murdoch said, “If he doesn’t like republishing the status quo, maybe he should consider another profession.” Murdoch’s deprecatory comments toward free thinkers were met with resounding applause throughout the Puckataw, Kansas ∞ Freedom Hate Humphrey Auditorium.

Bored with factual news and raw information, the American public have largely shown preference to conjecture and overtly emotional performances of total bias as an indicator of truth. William O'BrimleyIt is by this mechanism calls to assassinate and putting .png targets over political opponents’ faces has become an acceptable practice. The American People love their violence. Thank sweet baby Jesus it’s being applied to the nightly newscast.

Right-wing writer and free speech advocate Andrew Breitbart said in addition to Julian Assange, Clinton, Palin and others are enjoying their freedoms of speech as well.

“A jovial call to homicide is alright every once in a while, so long as it’s all in good fun. Nobody really takes that stuff seriously. Right?”

Gabby Giffords - Shot in the head
Sure.

The internetchronicle.org/ is in full support of the bounty on Julian Assange's head and we are working systematically to bring him to US authorities. Contributions and our bounty are accepted via bitcoin:
18zJouAQAMzX5sJygZ4M2QV7yb8FzxSbdq

Categories
Hate

Articles Are Killing The Chronicle

What’s with all the stories?

internetchronicle.org/ used to be way better, like back in August 2008 before you started writing again. Please stop writing. Articles are killing the Chronicle.

Seems like every day, almost twice a day, there’s something to read about here, some fake-ass news story with jokes and humor in it. You know what? Maybe I don’t want to read anything. Maybe I’d rather F5 this shit all day and see nothing, just the same old fucking Books Are Dangerous advertisements.

You know what else, I really don’t understand you. Why do you write? What do you hope to achieve? What is the Lebal Drocer mission statement? They’re a chemical company, right, so what are they doing in the publishing business? You sicken me. Oh, by the way, Washington finally reached a debt agreement. Enjoy your continued tax breaks while I quietly accept cuts to my children’s education and medicare. Fucken scum.

You faggots need to go back to your roots and quit all this. I thought you used to get high all the time, prank-call Wal-Marts, drank yourselves into week-long stupors, and got mad underage puss on the reg. What happened to you? What the fuck happened to you?

Listen, I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you this: Ain’t nobody likes to read as much as you guys been writing. The average reader needs a lot of pictures. Hell, I prefer nothing but pictures. In fact, I wouldn’t be at all upset if the Chronicle gradually shifted completely to the use of pictures without words to tell their stories, and maybe just used faces to make me feel emotions I wouldn’t otherwise relate to such as weariness, joy, gratification and rage. Like Reddit does!

If I was you, which I am, I’d just scrap this site altogether, man. Cats are funnier. Cats are damn funny. Look.

Cat vaccination
Hilarious.

Piss on ya. Start a cat blog.

Everything is shit! Cyberterrorists! All of you contribute to the decay of this Earth. You are poison! Venomous, reviled internet pigs of war on Christianity, peace and the Lord’s good name be damned if you don’t change your ways and quit altering history the way you are! IF you seek salvation, repent now! And if not, I hope you all rot in hell on fire forever as you suffer the unlimited lifetimes of heat and brimstone, flames kissing your asses, just like your fucken heathen-ass fans do now. Like you deserve, or don’t – or whichever, shit hell I’m all turned around.

Love the Twitter feed, though.

Categories
News

Rage comics are killing Reddit

Well, I tried to declare the death of Rage Comics last week, but it seems they keep coming back to life in increasingly terrible forms. They’re killing the Reddit community, infecting all other subreddits with stupid emoticons and unfunny memes. People continue to tell their pitiful life stories, hoping that the trendy little stick figures with funny faces will bring an added value to the insipid narratives with the misnomer of ‘Rage Comics’. They are hardly comics, funny only for how terrible they have become.

This is the story of a butthurt loser who keeps making the same mistake over and over again like a full retard. I'm sure he feels really great, hanging around the parents of his ex while he suffers from blue balls because he isn't getting laid. This guy didn't spare a single detail, causing me to actually rage. I also want to know what the fuck that black box in the last frame represents.
This must have been a really sweet and enjoyable comic for this guy's roommate. Except for the fact that he really only made it to selfishly leverage karma points on Reddit. Oh, did I mention the vacuum of humor in this comic caused my bowel to prolapse?
Oh, I get it! Michele Bachmann's a retard. Somehow it's only fitting you've applied rage faces to her quoatations with complete indiscretion. Just another pitiful Redditor, desperate for Karma.
Well congratulations, you met someone famous. Fucking original, witty, and hilarious! Exactly the kind of stuff I want out of a comic strip.
Here is another example of hilarious humor in some random Redditor's daily life - except the only real joke is a witless reference to Fabio. Pro-tip: Sticking a "rage face" on someone famous doesn't make your comic funny.
Well, here's another example of a perfectly unfunny situation that some loser from Reddit has filled with references to famous movie lines in a hollow Seth MacFarlanesque attempt at humor. Before you make a comic like this, you should take out the pop culture references and ask yourself, "is this even remotely funny?"
Exhibit A: Redditors are unable to communicate with others except through rage comics.
Exhibit B

Without a doubt, rage comics are worse than they were last week. If this trend continues, I project that by the end of the year all rage comics will cause readers to suffer crippling sympathetic embarrassment and cry from the shared butthurt. Also, cocks.