Categories
News Politics

Rick Perry Anointed Next GOP President of the United States at Bohemian Grove

RICK PERRY JUGGALO 2012 BITCHESWhen the not-so-secret Illuminati two week sexcapade retreat known as Bohemian Grove concluded last week, Rick Perry emerged as the the next “anointed one” by several Grove insiders. This and much more was uncovered as the Governor himself made an appearance at the one day cameo at the 2,700-acre campground in Monte Rio, California.

BOHEMIAN GROVE

The biggest buzz to come out of the summer camp for the world’s richest and most powerful gay men was that current Texas Governor (and avowed Juggalo) was anointed the New World Order’s pick to be president of the United States of America. Multiple sources with in the satanic homosexual encampment confirmed that Rick Perry will be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States in 2012. Yes you read that right, 46th.

SHEEN BARACK U MAD BRO U MAD!?The next phase of the New World Order’s plan for global enslavement was revealed and will kick off next month, with the planned appearance of NWO sock puppet Charile Sheen at the annual gathering of the Juggalos.

MAGIC AND MIRACLESAt the concert Rick Perry will make a “surprise” appearance and give the Insane Clown Posse community an exclusive with his official Presidential exploratory committee announcement from the stage with Ice Cube and George Clinton. The added publicity is expected to aid the jump start of a popular “grass roots” campaign by exploiting the mass popularity of Insane Clown Posse.

WHO MAD!? OBAMA JOKER DAT WHOMeanwhile, Barack Obama is conflicted about how he wants to go out. The Soros wing want him to develop a “severe illness” and bow out of the 2012 race. The Koch wing keeps pushing for a more dramatic exit, perhaps a faux assassination via a “radical tea partier type.” With many outsiders speculating that the recent situation in Oslo was a dry run for a possible White House false flag operation, mum’s the word in the Grove.

SHAGGY Y U MAD Y ERRYBODY MADWhite House sources at the Grove were tight lipped about what Obama is leaning toward, but word floating around a few late night camp fires suggested that he is leaning toward bowing out like a chump with some “family related” excuse.

OBAMA BIDEN I LIKE MENMany anuses in the Grove were tingled by the rumors that Barack would make an appearance at camp, but alas it never happened because Michelle still has his ass on lock. Despite the conspiracy theories floating throught the Grove, it was apparent that somehow Joe Biden will step in at election time and eventually be defeated by Perry in a lop sided race.

YO IM RICK PERRY PEACE OUTDuring his time at the naked resort Perry engaged in the usual activities: lake-side talks, gay sex and Satanic rituals from ancient Mesopotamia. The Governor was seen networking with several key figures who will no doubt play a role in his run for the White House.

EL E PIMCO WE RUN THIS SHITA sample of the who’s who list who met with Perry included: Charlie Rose, Nuriel Rubini, Mohamed A. El-Erian, Henry Kissenger, Bill Clinton, Richard Thaler, Shaggy 2 Dope, Alex Jones, Charlie Sheen, Andrew Breitbart, Barrett Brown, Eric Boehlert, Joe Rogan, Marilyn Manson, and Buckethead.

Categories
Law Technology

CHRONICLE.SU EXCLUSIVE Interview With Topiary – From Prison

Topiary

San Francisco — Topiary, who recently turned himself in, awaits trial inside Folsom Prison. The “face of LulzSec” continues to speak from behind his twitter account, but inside sources report anyone speaking on behalf of LulzSec is only a stand-in, as they have all been arrested.

Topiary is a longtime friend of the internetchronicle.org/ and requested that we interview him from prison to ensure clarity and fairness are upheld as the Sec-saga unfolds.

Here with us today is Topiary, manager of the LulzSec Twitter feed, as well as the individual who wrote on The Sun’s website without their permission and crashes internetchronicle.org/ pirate pads "for the lulz."

internetchronicle.org/: Topiary, why did you turn yourself in?

Topiary: As you know, Amy Winehouse was recently b& from life and that’s been weighing on me. Just got tired of trolling goatse sites and reviewing the same old Shawshank Redemption .avi over and over again. Time has a way of catching up with you, ya know? My time is now. So I’m here.

.SU: Yes, Amy Winehouse’s death was undoubtedly tragic to someone. So what’s next? Do you have legal representation?

Top: Well, forwarded me a pastebin of a list of lawyers compiled by Barrett Brown, but every phone number on that list is disconnected. No, I gotta take that back. Wait just a second. The second number on that list, did point to an attorney. It was the McDougal County Public Defender’s office. Without asking who I was, he tried to wager me into his betting pool. I had someone on the outside hack me some good odds on Curiosity’s Bubble in the dog races Friday, so we’ll see what’s up. Thanks, Barrett.

.SU: So, you’ve elected to defend yourself?

Top: Oh, no worries man. Just between you, me and your readers – lol nobody reads this shit anyway right? – Just between us, I’ve got my evidence together, don’t you worry. Exhibit A is the judge’s email account.

.SU: Sounds like a good strategy. What sort of plea bargain are you looking to extort from His Honor?

Top: Probation, a little community service.

.SU: Wait, what about the cross-dressing and the sodomy you requested? You were quoted by TFI as saying, “Ima make that Casey Anthony bitch look like a passing fad.” Where will your ass-traffic come from?

Top: They’ll probably ask me to dox th3j35t3r. So far the DoJ has informed me he’s become quite a pain in their asses – a real embarrassment. Well my ears perked up when I heard “pain in their asses.” I thought, ‘Why not me? I want pain there. In my ass!’ It’s all part of the plea deal I’m writing up. You’ll see it published on the prison website after I SQL-inject that shit. So refresh hourly. And yeah, he’s a try-hard so I guess I’ll gladly oblige. I already know him, actually. We invented him, so it shouldn’t be any big deal, we’ll just deactivate the Twitter account and call it a day. He’s not even a human being. Just some AI chatbot compiled from repurposed Cleverbot coding and Yahoo! spambots designed to lure you into their camsites.

.SU: Word the fuck up to that. Well I’m glad you’re done talking about it because I was having real trouble giving a shit.

Top: Mind if I smoke a j?

.SU: Bunny.

Top: ‘Scuse me?

.SU: Bunny Lebowski… She is the light of my life. Are you surprised at my tears, sir?

Top: Fuckin’ A.

.SU: When’s the trial?

Top: Tomorrow.

.SU: You goin’?

Top: Nah.

.SU: Will you autograph my t-shirt?

Top: We’re done here. Good luck kicking the habit, guys. Send my regards to Barrett Brown, and tell him I said the same.

And at that, Topiary’s personal guard arrived with a black vibrating strap-on, already switched on, flopping hilariously with his hip movements. Carrying Topiary away, cradled like a baby, the guard whispered sacred secrets into his right ear. Topiary looked back at Old Brutus and beamed furtively in his direction, then spit up on the guard’s shoulder just before disappearing into the annals of Folsom Prison.

Categories
News

The Justiciar Knights: Europe's Tea Party

Anders Behring Breivik’s violent attack on Oslo has founded a new conservative political group known as the Justiciar Knights. The Justiciar Knights use whatever means necessary to preserve the cultural integrity of Europe. Like the Tea Party, Christian cultural dominance is the ultimate goal.[pullquote]”The Muslims showed us that deadly shock attacks are the only tool we have at the moment which will guarantee that our voice is heard.” ~ Anders Breivik[/pullquote]

As Tea Party rhetoric stokes fear of Hispanic and Muslim occupation of American territory, leaders like Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin subtly promote violent action. Not just violent action against Hispanics and Muslims, but violent action against Liberals who promote multicultural messages.

Anders Breivik perfectly encapsulated the Tea Party message in his now-famous 1500 page diatribe, 2083: A European Declaration of Independence.

“Any individual or organisation that actively supports or are participating … in the Islamisation of Europe are flagged as valid targets … By propagating and defending Christendom we simply mean that we want to … reverse the de-Christianisation of Europe.”

Clever leaders within the Tea Party have attempted to spin this story as a lesson about gun control. Had the summer camp victims not been such wimpy unarmed liberals, they would have successfully defended themselves. However, this is only a distraction from the underlying motive behind the attack. Had the campers not been such Islam-enabling multiculturalists, Breivik would have never targeted them. Surely the Tea Party is wetting itself in excitement at having spilled over into Europe.

Tea Party leaders also want to classify Breivik as a religious fundamentalist Christian of the same stripe as Osama Bin Laden. However, this is a very poor characterization of Breivik. Breivik only wished to defend Europe from the perceived threat of Islamic genocide. “We … are a defensive military organisation who only seek to protect the peoples of Europe and our cultures from genocide.” This is exactly the theme that the Tea Party’s anti-immigration rallies are based on.