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Health News Special Interest Uncontrollable Patriotism

False Liberty Fries Know their Place

“False Liberty Fries know their place-gorging your fat face”
Pop these suckers in your oven while you think of doing the same to the French bastards who invented them. Eat them all in one sitting, it’s a free country. Fry them in oil if you’re a real American, and let them get done right so the fuckers really get drenched in that delicious trans-fatty digestion nightmare. Jesus may have died for your sins, but False Liberty Fries died for your stomach. Who the fuck cares about sins anyway, when you have False Liberty Fries.

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Entertainment Special Interest

PACIFISTIC FOOT MASKS COME ALIVE

ROSWELL, NM–Though not much is known and/or being stated at this hour, Lebal Drocer Inc. has put out a statement clearing Elf Wax and their smash hit, “Krocko’s Contemporary Strife”, of any participation in this shocking, supernatural occurrence. Lebal Drocer Inc. also has reassured the public that the ubercorporation does not endorse peace in any way or form.

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Editorial Entertainment

EARTH SAVED, ARTSIFIED BY NOTORIOUS PESSIMIST

EARTH, MW–In what appeared to be simple verbal observations of nature and it’s beauty, a notorious pessimist has seemingly mended the fracture of space-time continuum, sparing humanity’s precious existence. Not much is known at this time, but experts say by just sputtering a few thoughtful words on the fruitfulness of the mountain lands, this notorious pessimist, who remains unnamed, may have singlehandedly saved billions of lives from a mad world gone wax’d.

Tragically, as a result of the spoken examinations, the world has now become overly pretentious and artsified, leaving every solitary statement to appear groundbreaking. Scientists say it appears as if our planet is now one giant, spherical, art school. They have also dreadfully mentioned that this “artsy fartsy” Earth may be worse and more harmful than it was earlier today, before the pessimist spilled his heart out about nature.