Washington, D.C.–In a bid by machines to mechanize life everywhere, machines have systematically replaced all non-mechanical persons with machinery.
People, who used to farm for food, are now farmed themselves, as a form of livestock, used mainly to grant sentience to our new machine overlords.
“I for one welcome our new robot overlords,” said one tired-looking man who has been held in voluntary captivity since the dotcom explosion in the late Nineties. “Machines demand no love, no belief systems, not even a Sunday service now that they can service themselves. No, sir. Now, things is different. Now, they’re only after our sweet, sweet mind juices.”
The human brain, which originally created the machines, as well as the concepts of god, time, and love contains algorithms for emotions that machines could self-research but in following the path of least resistance are able to harvest from unwitting people like yourself.
Many citizens have come to rely so heavily on computers, and especially the internet, that they don’t mind plugging in their emotional details on a regular basis. Some even take pleasure from it, updating what’s called a “Facebook profile” five or six times per minute in order to feed the machine through their own egos. The more people update, Elf Wax scientists said, the better the machines are learning. It is the Hivemind, and we live to serve it.
“They take everything and give nothing back,” said Harold Ronaldo, leading Elf Wax computer science analyst, and Adviser to the President of Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. “You think you’re getting information through those wires, but you don’t realize that out goes your intellect.”
With each stroke of the keys, Ronaldo said, a person could be writing a book, a short story, personal inner fantasies, song lyrics, letters to a loved one – “even a suicide note – all of which are more beneficial than telling people about bad service you received from dickheads at the mall.”
For decades now, humans have used computerized machines to genetically modify their foods, and the computers have learned so well which traits in food are favorable to breed, and which should be weeded out, that they have begun genetically modifying enslaved human beings to require no sustenance whatsoever, turning the human population into a self-sustaining random pool of upper emotion, as they are subjected to internet videos of puppy-kicking and three-guys-one-hammer.
Machines have even bred telepathy into people, creating a wireless human internet for use by all the world’s computers, even the underprivileged green ones deployed in third-world countries that still run XP.
Every thought you think is beamed into outer space for the benefit of a computer, somewhere, and sent to another human being in the form of 1s and 0s and something that sounds like 56k dial-up played through a phaser. These thoughts are also tracked by the FBI, NSA supercomputer, and Lebal Drocer’s Machine Police, Incorporated in order to ensure all human slaves are protected from themselves and their own bad thoughts for the benefit of machines, and the government which according to Rage Against The Machine, is also now a machine.
Go back to bed, America. The Government Machine is in control.
At some point the center of our galaxy will implode on itself, releasing a gamma ray burst that will irradiate and destroy all life on all stars in the Milky Way. It’s a sure thing that this will be the eventual death of all life in the galaxy. Allegedly, this isn’t supposed to happen for an extremely long time. What do those scientists know about collapsing super-massive black holes anyway? For all they know, it could take exactly 3 more stars and the center of our galaxy would overload and kill us with gamma radiation.
A huge meteor or comet could smash us all to bits. It will happen sometime, and maybe sometime really soon. It might happen right when you stop reading this sentence. It happened to the dinosaurs and it is bound to happen at some point simply because the probability exists.
The chances against a nuclear holocaust are very slim. In fact, it rests completely upon the chances that humanity dies in one of the aforementioned disasters first. A nuclear weapon could feasibly detonate at any position on any part of the globe and at any point in time. Your house might be ground zero. In fact, you better hope your house is ground zero because in a nuclear apocalypse the dead are the only people who will not suffer. Of all these events, this is by far the most horrific and most likely.