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Categories
News

Understaffed and desperate, ICE begins hiring illegal immigrants

President Trump moves forwards with desperate measures to staff ICE

INTERNET — An exclusive Internet Chronicle investigation into records made public through the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) revealed that Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has hired tens of thousands of undocumented or “illegal” immigrants, who are being given a path to citizenship in exchange for their service in deporting other illegals.

The Trump administration has struggled to hire ICE agents, offering massive bonuses in a nationwide television advertisement campaign which aims to to poach agents from local police forces.

“You took an oath to protect and serve … you’re ordered to stand down,” one commercial told viewers, offering a $60,000 signing bonus to new hires.

ICE has few requirements for applicants, and with average ages of newly hired citizens exceeding 55 years old, what’s not shown in the commercial are details of a secretive citizenship path for illegal immigrants who become agents, utilizing an Obama era amnesty provision for federal employees.

“The truth is very few police officers are joining ICE, unless they are already retired, with the majority too old to do anything aside office work. Most of the agents doing the hard work deporting people on the streets are coming from South or Central America, and they’re getting a $60,000 signing bonus and Obama era amnesty regardless of their immigration status,” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters. “They’re given the choice to either hunt or become hunted, to join ICE or be sent to the camp.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt fired back at reporters questioning this policy’s wisdom, “Americans just don’t want to do dirty jobs anymore, and if you don’t like it, you can blame Obama’s amnesty provisions which are causing this to happen. President Trump is doing everything in his power to purge America of illegal criminals, who are the worst of the worst.”

Meanwhile, rumors among immigrants on TikTok suggest this system of employing illegals to enforce immigration crime has led to widespread corruption and abuse of seemingly endless cash bonuses.

“ICE showed up and arrested Pedro as soon as he finished the last roofing job,” Jorge Hernandez said in a TikTok video that’s now gone viral, “I thought he might be in that camp with the cartel, but then he’s at my door with a gun and a vest trying to talk me into being deported. He said, ‘Jorge, I’ll split the $60,000 with you and fly you back here next week, you’re a citizen anyway so they can’t stop you coming back or put you in a camp.’ I said ‘no way, I don’t want to risk that.’ But I let him take Hernando, it’s good for him to meet his grandparents and set up a fund for his college education.”

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Categories
Status Quo

The Pinhole Camera

Henry Rollins forces himself through a small opening. Internet Chronicle

EARTH–Citizens of the world gathered at the edge of Midas Canal, watching as messages the size of planets were carefully threaded through the eye of a bent sewing needle.

Each word came out thin, bent, shiny, carrying the heat of a star pressed flat and ovular, and stamped with an insignia that many believe carries the weight of one billion promises.

Randy asks readers to “get out of there,” adding that the area was “too snaky.”

Entire galaxies are forced through a pinhole.

Authorities assured everyone that this was fine, but they’re cops and what do they know? The compression is normal, they said, that all big things must be reduced to bite-sized pills – no matter their true constitution – prior to extrusion through the device.

This destroys the sender

Somewhere below, divers reported from the ocean floor that the seabed had cracked under the pressure of entire dictionaries worth of unspoken, unnamed and undiscovered expressions. Their magnificent descriptions of iridescence are owed in large part to hypoxia. Sweet, beautiful hypoxia.

The shadowy archive, Randy said, lies at the bed of the Mariana, resembling the OceanGate submersible in the shape of everything that never fit through the pinhole.

“Also it’s just too damn snaky,” Randy went on to say.

Tourists leaned over the railing, staring at the gap, half-marveling, half-dumbfounded at the quiet power of absence: a canyon dug out not by water, but by the weight of every word without a definition, filled in by the pressure of the substrate itself.

Officials smiled, grinning, bossman style and held a press conference to say that nothing was lost, that every morsel that bubbles up to the daylight is enough to sustain and uphold the grand illusion the shattered wreckage pushed through it before; once whole, now a consequence of the hole. The rest of it remains below, thrumming in the dark, alive, and unacknowledged.

Ouroboros is circling, Randy says, get away.

“Too snaky.”

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Categories
Sports

‘I made a huge mistake’ says CEO who snatched boy’s hat at US Open: ‘I should have taken his ball too’

Come in the other room, audience, come on. It’s serious time now. Quit fucking around in your bedroom and come out here and join the family. It’s time to fucking act like somebody.

INTERNET—The man who was caught on camera snatching a hat off a young boy at the US Open held a press conference to say he made a huge mistake after a weekend clip of the incident went viral.

Piotr Szczerek, a Polish chief executive of a consonant firm, said he was “convinced” tennis star Kamil Majchrzak had been “passing his hat in my direction.”

“That was intended for me,” the Polish guy said. “I know I did something that seemed like consciously collecting a memento from a child, but look at the shape of my skull. I order all my sandwiches from the hardware store.”

The video, taken during Majchrzak’s match on Thursday, shows the tennis player offering his cap to a child, before Szczerek appears to take it.

Versions of the clip were shared widely on social media, prompting criticism of the chief executive’s actions.

Refs and officials are rooting against Kamil Majchrzak so they will no longer have to stumble through his name like a dark hallway.

The 50-year-old manchild’s lawyer wrote him a statement, which he posted to social media Monday: “I would like to unequivocally apologise to the injured boy, his family, as well as all the fans and the player himself.”

Little does it matter, this story won’t stick because no one can remember or even pronounce the offender’s name.

“I’m already in so much trouble, in hindsight,” Szczerek said, “I should have taken the ball, too.”

The boy was approached by US Open officials after the incident in their bid to make things right. Unfortunately, at the last minute, a woman from Philadelphia dove in front of officials, snatching the swag bag and autographed tennis ball from the child, arguing that it was never intended for him and that consolation prizes are “fair game.”

INTERNET CHRONICLE SPORTS

…and that concludes our story, dear reader. What? You think you could do better? You think you can write satire? Right! You fucking little worm! You couldn’t execute absurdity if it was an Israeli hostage. Now go lay down.