Julian Assange, after being banned twice from Twitter: "You can't ban an idea"
INTERNET — Early Christmas morning, Julian Assange announced the release of 700 Terabytes in what's being called the 'Deep State Files'. Exclusive early analysis granted to internetchronicle.org/ by Wikileaks reveals the Deep State Files are the entirety of the CIA's most classified and restricted database, detailing everything from extensive work in manipulating and controlling Russian elections to Bill Clinton providing nuclear assistance to Kim Jong Il in 2009.
Wikileaks founder and spokesperson Julian Assange told followers this knowledge would "change the world," and may be the "biggest story in history." Assange's Twitter account was banned, and following this an alternate account was suspended.
The Deep State Files were attained by Barrett Brown's Pursuance Project in its first effort since the embattled investigative journalist was released from prison. Brown spent five years in prison for his work against the Deep State as the spokesperson for the hacking collective Anonymous.
After Internet Chronicle staff scanned over the massive trove of classified information, Assange passed decryption keys to trustworthy real news outlets like Fox, Breitbart, and Wall Street Journal.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, analyst for Lebal Drocer, Inc., told reporters the story details how the CIA's activities ended communism, broke up the Soviet Union, and "appointed" Vladimir Putin as president of Russia, all while carrying out similar coups across the world, and even at home in the United States, proving once and for all that the CIA assassinated JFK.
Dr. Troubador said, "They show in startling detail a concerted effort by the Clinton Foundation to foster nuclear proliferation, as well as provide chemical weapons to regimes and nations around the world. Osama Bin Laden was on the Clinton Foundation's payroll for most of his life, and Hillary even had a revenge affair with Bin Laden after her husband was impeached for sexual misconduct."
INTERNET – NORAD tracks Santa through the sky each and every year, and every year, he appears like clockwork, darting magically backwards over the dateline, bringing toys to every good boy and girl. But geopolitical turmoil, exacerbated by warmongering, nuclear threat, and the high profile assassination of a Panama Papers journalist suggest that for some, Christmas might never arrive. Worse, some politicians under investigation for collusion with Russia and Israel could find coal in their stockings!
Dr. Troubadour flipped over a table, spilling our bitshekels all over the dusty pavilion ground at the town center, where internetchronicle.org/ was charging readers access to "extreme gaming PC speed lanes" marketing a paid solution to Network Neutrality as their shortcut to Truth.
"Merry Christmas you pieces of shit!" Troubadour slurred, spraying viral phlegm into the air as he forced his speech through gnashed teeth. He fell down and picked through the dirt for spilled bitshekels, as desperately as if they were the precious flaking crumbs of high-powered crack rock. "Do you have ANY idea how hard Santa's slaves worked to make your iPhones and Playstations? DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?"
Troubadour, whose duty as personal physician to the estranged Northern toymaker is eclipsed only by the bond of their friendship, offered insights into the widening scope of Santa’s delusional megalomania. More to the point, Troubadour turned his darkest concerns about the future of Christmas into a handy, easy-to-consume list. And he published it here first, where you can read it all on the same fucking page, because we ain’t crumbin’ for rocks. This isn’t fucking Buzzfeed! Read the list:
10 Early Warnings Signs Santa Claus Is NOT Coming To Town
10. Santa is not coming because he is disturbed by the content you view online. This, coming from a man who enslaves Elves and demands milk-and-cookie tribute. Clean up your act!
9. Santa’s not coming because Elon Musk is edging him out of circumnavigational flight, and you people just LOVE it, don’t you?
8. Santa’s not coming because he outsourced it to Pursuance, but there’s no one online to accept the task.
7. Santa will bypass the Middle East because you moved a critical embassy into hostile Jerusalem territory. “Look I’m no investor,” Troubadour says, “but I think if it’s in the Bible, I wouldn’t open a Starbucks there. Forget an embassy.” You guys want to make another shitty Benghazi movie, or what?
6. Santa is not coming because you went to one too many pot parties. Santa’s got no problem with the sweet leaf – it helps with his glaucoma – but laying around, smokin’ grass and watching a streamer play Destiny 2 is NOT a party. Get on Rust.
5. Santa’s not coming because of a rare condition with his prostate.
4. Santa’s not bringing any toys to fake and sensationalized news outlets. It’s a very serious sin that hurts all mankind, Santa says. Really? So is gluttony, you fat bastard. FAKE NEWS! BRING THE FOSSIL COAL AND WE’LL BURN IT FOR HEAT, OLD MAN. Santa said it. The pope is saying it, too. Right, we take advice on hard news from a man who claims to represent Pedophile Daddy from the Sky. Go fuck yourself. Santa’s bailing on that shit, too.
3. Santa is not coming because the War on Christmas has escalated to include surface-to-air missiles and a new Iron Dome that deflects toys away from locations where Israel and the US don’t want them.
2. Santa is not bringing you ANY fucking toys because he knows. He knows that dark secret ‘only you’ know. He hasn’t said anything. But he knows it.
1. Santa is not coming because you read this website. Who needs him? You’re not fucking babies. Fuck toys. You smoke dope and drink liquor! Chemicals are your toys, and there is no such thing as joy. You suffer alone and have forgotten about things like toys, happiness, togetherness and joy. You are so ironic and cool, now. You are so right about everything. Now YOU get it, too! Now you speak only in truisms and summarize your experience of the world in worn out platitudes. Santa’s got no use for that, but of course we’ll accept your pseudo-intellectual bullshit in the comments. Do keep reading! You’re old souls! You’re WOKE AF!
Santa’s noticed many of you aren’t showing enough appreciation for what he does. Some, he says, even doubt his existence. You FOOLS! Are you trying to make the naughty list? Do you understand what HAPPENS to people on that list?
The Santatorium shows no mercy.
“It is high time I demonstrated the True Meaning of Christmas. On Christmas Eve, I will strike down from my polar base and teach the world just how real, motivated, and powerful I am. I’m only telling you this now, because you guys at Internet Chronicle are cool. I don’t know what it is, but you just have this energy. You guys get it, you know, so I am telling you: Stay home on the 24th. Aight?” – Santa Claus
Editor’s Note: Pursuance Project’s lead engineer and junior spokesperson Steve Philips called a previous version of this story “Utterly False.” However, I’ve only changed ‘Pursuance Project Beta Software’ to some Randomass ‘Slack Clone’ and now they just sound like loser vaporware chumps. Great Going Gang.
Brown is challenging Dawson’s version of events, calling her ‘intellectually dishonest,’ while Philips is echoing this and extending Pursuance as a solution for organizing her political party.
INTERNET — Suzie Dawson, New Zealand’s Internet Party Leader, was banned Saturday from accessing Barrett Brown’s Pursuance Project Slack Clone. Dawson lives in Moscow, exiled from New Zealand’s surveillance state.
Sunday, Brown responded with an excruciating 11-minute-long song and dance to youtube that went nowhere real fast, but it’s clear Dawson was removed after contentious arguing with Brown because he doesn’t like Wikileaks anymore.
Dawson, whose Internet Party was founded by Megaupload billionaire and Call of Duty grand champion Kim Dotcom, is the brilliant investigative journalist who found out that Hillary’s been hocking all that nasty Uranium to Putin.
Wikileaks has maintained strict silence on the subject as Assange considers who to throw under the bus first. Perhaps there are the beginnings of a Pro-Wikileaks purge at the Pursuance Project as another user has been banned.
For the second time in a week, @elimisteve has deleted someone’s @PursuanceProj account, thereby prohibiting them from having access to all their own data and personal communications, without any notice or process whatsoever.
Currently Dawson is sheltering in front of streetcorner cameras around Red Square, creating an evidence trail that will help investigators keep Pursuance System hitmen tasked with her death off her tail.
Analysts believe that the Assange will denounce The Pursuance Project and may even take legal action to fight banning Wikileaks Supporters from Brown’s freedom software.
