Month: March 2020

Categories
Health

The Gift: Coronavirus cases double overnight as healthy people infect themselves through “pos parties”

NEW YORK—As people in the community become face-touch weary, and some even consciously desire coronavirus infection, disturbing new trends of risky behavior have pushed the rate of new infections in New York higher than any other state in the US, all to the mantra of “don’t test, don’t tell.”

Using darknet sites for promotion and connection, a community of maskless, gloveless “barebackers” (those who venture out into the city without personal protective equipment) is flourishing. This includes bug chasers who host conversion parties where participants actively seek the gift of COVID-19 novel coronavirus infection.

Greg Moreland was once an articulate, well-spoken young man who moved to New York from the Midwest in search of a welcoming, presumably healthy, community. He became a bug chaser and actively sought the gift of coronavirus. When Greg became infected with the virus, he felt a sense of belonging to a community of badass, battle-scarred, corona-infected motherfuckers. He is now dealing with the unexpected severity of his illness.

Greg now suffers from sore throat, runny nose, and a dry cough.

Tensions are running high in both directions, as people pass each other in the street. Some are running to the nearest airports, away from viral epicenters. They pass others going the opposite way, headed straight into the throbbing epicenter of full-blown coronavirus, a glowing orange pile of bodies, lit up by thousands of pulsating pos parties, where one secret guest per party is infected with the contagious virus.

“We just want to hurry up and get it already, and get it over with, so we don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

–Noted psychoanalyst, community activist, and gift-giver Dr. Angstrom H. I.V. Ladour, MD, author of Pandemic Hellscapes and You: A Man’s Guide to Surviving Pangolin Flu.

To offer some indication of just how widespread the parties have become, Dr. Ladour said the wife of the Spanish Prime Minister has tested positive for Coronavirus, while the Prime Minister himself feels left out and ashamed, cucked by an exotic new virus.

“Corona is Latin for crown, HIS crown.”

If you are interested in hosting or locating a pos party in your area, please contact the Internet Chronicle resident orgyman, Christopher Nemelka at [email protected].

Thank you, and may God have mercy on our Mormon souls.

Categories
News

White House: Donald Trump SICK with Coronavirus!

Donald Trump is SICK with MEMES

INTERNET — President Trump was “too sick” for his usual 36 holes of golf at Mar-A-Lago this weekend, and after testing positive for Coronavirus Sunday evening, the president was quickly put into quarantine.

This follows boisterous statements by President Trump that Coronavirus was a “fake news hoax” created by the media to destroy his presidency. Now that he’s reportedly suffering from acute pneumonia, White House physician Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador says they’re doing all they can to save the president’s life, “Mike Pence has already taken over the president’s daily duties, and we’re hoping for a quick and speedy recovery. I’ve sucked about a gallon of fluid out of his lungs already, using a special new technique I invented just for Coronavirus. It’s kind of like siphoning gasoline. He’ll be fine.”

Meanwhile, Trump supporters are panicking, seeking for any angle to spin the Coronavirus outbreak into a win for the Republican party.

“Trump ain’t sick. He’s just playing 5d chess,” said Hyrum Pleasant, of Hemp Patch Mountain, Virginia. “Maybe, just maybe this is a biochemical weapon sprayed on us by Chinese chemtrailists and if that’s the case Pence’ll nuke them back to the stone age.” Unsatisfied still with his own attempts at spin, Mr. Pleasant violently turned on the Internet Chronicle reporter, brandishing a pitted confederate sword ripped from its display on his mantle. “It’s you, you created this disease just so you could come out here and interview me, so you could kill off my president.”

Rumors that gay men are immune to Coronavirus are circulating on Facebook, but the CDC has warned that no one is safe. “The idea that COVID-19 targets only straight white males, or that Jewish people or LGBTQ people are immune has no basis in reality whatsoever.”