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Obituaries

Dead and Bloatware: John McAfee dead at 75

BARCELONA — Fans mourn the loss of antivirus magnate John McAfee, who died early Sunday morning at his secret houseboat on the Mediterranean Sea, near Spain.

Goodnight Sweet Prince: 1945 - 2021

1945 – 2021

John was pronounced dead on Wednesday, June 23. Cause of death was listed as “drowning associated with piracy in international waters,” concluded by a burial at sea. He was 75.

John is survived by his wife, Janice McAfee.

Reports have emerged of John McAfee supporters installing McAfee Antivirus on their machines in his honor.

Because no will was entered into the public record, John’s charity for underprivileged children online, The Little Johnny Foundation, will dissolve.

Remaining assets are to be turned over to Deep State International for future disbursement to an undisclosed bitcoin address.

Avast, ye Matey!

John, who grew up in Roanoke, Virginia, successfully killed a man in Belize but would later suffer from a damaging tax scandal spanning the world wide. When John recently failed to fake his own death, he was forced into a deadly game of cat-and-mouse, prompting Spanish conspirators to launch pirate ships in his general direction. Now, today, a wife is without her husband.

Categories
Obituaries

Billie Eilish dead at 19

Billie Eilish died tragically as a result of slumber party related injuries Wednesday evening.

INTERNET — Fans mourn the tragic and untimely loss of Billie Eilish Pirate Baird O’Connell, 19, who died in her apartment after suffering from tragic slumber party related injuries.

In celebration of the release of her new hit single commemorating the Civil War, Lost Cause, Eilish held a slumber party extravaganza filled with the most rich and famous personalities at her New York City Penthouse.

Finneas O’Connell, Eilish’s brother and producer said, “Things got out of hand. There was a major pillow fight, and I think everyone had a lot of pent up rage from the Rona. Next thing I knew, they were hauling Billie out on a stretcher and then later, we heard she didn’t make it. I still can’t believe it.”

Police are investigating the incident. Chief Geraldo Popper said, “There may have been drugs, some powerful new recreational biologics we’re seeing used by the very rich, but I can’t say much more than that at this time. We’re investigating every angle, but at this point we don’t suspect foul play.”