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Editorial

Internet Chronicle trustworthy? Yes, chronicle.su is a trustworthy news source

Quickly now, before we start to look pretty.

Hello and welcome to the Internet website, Internet Chronicle.

What’s the matter? Real news wrong and the wrong news is right? Not here. This is the Internet Chronicle, where you are wrong, and we are right.

Shut up!

Shut your brain down and focus on the words coming out of this website.

The news happened today. Did you know that? The news happened. You read it here first. News occurred, today it did.

You trust Internet Chronicle. You know truth when you see it, and you trust us. You trust this website to tell you when news happens.

A glance at our publishing schedule tells you that hard news is rare, with very little happening in between that would connect the major events reported here.

The truth is that between these stories, the undocumented world is scary out there. To step outside the doors of Chronicle headquarters – not that we would want to – is to exit into a purple swarming quagmire. Reality is an electrical storm of disconnected, unrelated events happening in every possible combination, all at once. There’s no way to properly report that. Not only has it never been done, it has never been successfully attempted. People who have tried are regarded as crazy, having returned from a land of madness, being touched by chaos and, rather than communicating it, they become it.

gaddafi in shades
What the fuck are we doing way out here in the middle of the desert?

Like water, an algorithm moves information along the path of least resistance.

At the Internet Chronicle, we eat brunch on the beaches of Algorithm River, watching from our signature stillness as a stream of content flows by.

From that river we fish out stories at random, flowing not with the water below, but charged by the winds of the lightning storm writhing in the sky, where everything smells like gunpowder and neutrinos cut the open eye.

Therefore, because you might remember how StalinGPT emerged two weeks ago, or Elon Musk screwing sex dolls past their breaking point in May, when drawing conclusions from these stories and how they fit together, it is important to remember the entropy shooting around in the miasma outside. Laser guided cats are teleporting in from some kind of spaceship in geostationary orbit. We don’t actually know who that is or why they are doing it.

In light of all this outlandish shit, it is easy to forget that Tucker Carlson died. It’s crazy out there.

That is why you read Internet Chronicle. We are here to help you make sense of this stuff.

Happy Juneteenth everyone!

Categories
News

The algorithm hates you

INTERNET — Among so-called “content creators” it is no secret that industry leaders in Silicon Valley hate creativity. Unlike traditional media, these wack engineer tycoons have charted a relationship with creators that is genocidal. Their ultimate objective is to entirely eliminate and replace all human creativity in the entertainment industry.

Every moment, algorithms distribute increasing despair as reward for critical acclaim, hard work, or love for humanity. The algorithm hates you.

Meanwhile, the latest algorithms, churning out degenerative rearrangements of paintings, photos, and texts are regarded by industry heads as AI superhumans more worthy of protection than the very people who provide their businesses with the “content” in the first place. When trained on their own outputs, these same superintelligent generators only degenerate into a Gaussian blur, creating nothing at all.

The industry term for culture, creative works, is “content,” a denigrating and vague word that denies there is such thing as meaning. Content only fills up hard drives, it is only so many 1s and 0s. This nihilism has been internalized by so many creators, whose energy is more often directed at navigating these hate algorithms to gain a sliver of visibility, rather than towards creating anything which might be meaningful or entertaining.

Hate algorithms perpetually hide any beauty or insight produced by honest people and rather promote obscenity, shock, and lies. The algorithm hates you. The halfhearted attempt by Twitter to clean up the fascist political landscape engendered by hate algorithms outraged the nihilist billionaire zealot Elon Musk enough that he purchased the company at a profound loss and fired most humans responsible for monitoring “content.” Soon after, the site was flooded with shocking videos of violent death, pedophile mania, and so on. The algorithm hates you, but more accurately, it is the nihilist technocrats who hate you, and they are using their robots to eliminate you.

And still, among creators, there is a widespread internalization of this hatred. Do you feel despair, are you struggling to make ends meet, is your good work rendered invisible for no reason at all? Well obviously it’s your fault. Try juggling your efforts between multiple platforms, grind, grind, grind until the hateful slot machine drops you a viral hit.

But to those who succeed, you must also still trust the same fact: The algorithm hates you. You cannot prove your worth to robots, they will dispose of you just as easily as they pump you up with viral success and without reason or explanation. Your relationship with the algorithm will never improve, because there is no relationship.

The present writers and actors strikes in the more traditional entertainment industry puzzle “content” creators, who are currently asking the question, “Why don’t they hate themselves?” After all, hating yourself is the true secret to success on the internet. Steep yourself in despair and just flow with the algorithm. Fighting back in solidarity and love for your fellow creators is only a sure way to lose.

The vast hubris involved in the absurd technical problem of destroying meaning, of automating creativity, is beginning to show some cracks. The intolerable loathsome career of “content” creators, forever at the mercy of nihilistic robots, is a pressure cooker with almost no relief valve, and what little hope there is out there is far too little too late. Kick.com, an alternative to the popular livestreaming Twitch platform fronted by a slot machine streamer, is only taking 5% of streamers’ tips, as opposed to the 50% demanded by Twitch. However, the platform is a total clone, the very same terrible design subjecting streamers to just the same hateful algorithms, no more than false hope somewhere out on the horizon.

But at this point, we will grasp for any hope at all. The internet just isn’t fun anymore, it has so little to offer. Where once there was an impression of transformation, of sharing thoughts and ideas in a global village, it all now has the distinct smell of some malevolent disposal robot that will crush anything into a foul, fungible paste.

The algorithm hates you.

Categories
News

Are killer whales feeding on migrant vessels in the Strait of Gibraltar?

Researchers are puzzled by a sharp uptick in orca aggression towards boats focused entirely on the Strait of Gibraltar. Several pleasure vessels have been damaged, with the Alboran Champagne sinking after rescue of its crew.

While many scientists are hesitant to ascribe motive to the curious and alien creatures, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Cetacean Science Institute says, “Some rogue animals have probably acquired a taste for human flesh.”

The Strait of Gibraltar is the most common sea passage to Europe for migrants from Africa, with over 55,000 crossings so far this year. In just one month, 2,687 people died in this crossing, three times the usual rate. Arabnews reports, “… human traffickers put migrants on packed inflatable boats or plastic canoes that can easily overturn.”

With the number of drownings in the area, Troubador believes that the orcas probably gained the taste for human flesh by scavenging the migrant wrecks. “They’re opportunistic, known for shadowing whalers to feed on carcasses, and there is no reason at all they would pass up feeding on humans.”

However, there is currently no evidence that orcas have ever fed on humans as a normal part of their diet, and killer whales have rarely been documented attacking humans. However, in at least one case, the captive orca Tilikum may have acquired a taste for human flesh after swallowing a homeless man’s arm and violently killing two others.

“What do you think is happening to the thousands of migrants who die each year in attempted crossings of this passage in these barely seaworthy, overladen vessels?” Troubador asked.

“There’s no evidence so far, but that’s survivor’s bias. How could any of these migrants survive such an attack? Only the wealthy, well-made vessels with competent pilots have made it back to report on these attacks.”

As apex predators, pollutants are heavily concentrated in the Iberian Orca’s usual diet of bluefin tuna, leading to extremely low fertility. But the mother orca responsible for most documented attacks, White Gladis, is nourishing a growing family of juveniles and thriving, teaching them how to capsize small crafts in the Strait of Gibraltar.

There is at least one possible account of an orca sinking a boat in the ancient world, Dr. Troubador said, “While currently there’s no evidence, there’s also nothing to stop orcas from eating humans as these are a highly adaptable and intelligent species. Ancient Roman historian Pliny the Elder recorded an orca glutting itself on animal hides that fell from a ship into the harbor at Ostia. The Emperor Claudius ordered the harbor closed off with a net, and in the ensuing battle, the historian witnessed the orca sinking a boat by blowing water into it, before succumbing to a shower of lances.”

Radical advocates of orca personhood hope that aggressive hazing can drive the “nonhuman minds” to stay away from migrant sea lanes, but Troubador remains skeptical. “Like a bear that’s become habituated into eating out of a trash can, this behavior is probably impossible to break.”

Felice Thunberry, orca personhood advocate, tweeted, “Until we can decipher orca languages using new machine learning algorithms and instruct them to avoid eating humans, we should be hesitant to judge their motivations.”

Thunberry added, “Honestly, I’d like to hear their side of the story. There may be a ritual or even spiritual aspect to their consumption of human flesh, and we may be presumptuous to think they are doing it merely to survive. Probably they know that their usual prey are heavily polluted, full of chemicals, while the human prey are relatively clean and healthy. I’m sure they can taste this difference, and they just want the best for their children.”