INTERNET —Old Brutus from internetchronicle.org/ Lebal Drocer, Inc. Hate Radio® brings you the sharpest, most scathing review to date of the “vanilla cream” variant of Soda Shaq™. Old Brutus® describes Soda Shaq™ as “a nutritious, all natural health soda offered exclusively by white-owned 7-Eleven® stores.”
Old Brutus said he would like to remind his viewers that he is in no way affiliated with the Internet at large, and added that he thinks the Web is little more than an instrument of terror used by the United States™ Government to instill fear into the hearts of dissident authors.
“The Internet, and that whole thing, I don’t know, man,” Old Brutus® explained. “Once you really think about it, it’s all the same, real life and the Internet, except in real life dissent has far fewer consequences.”
In his third and possibly final review of Soda Shaq, Old Brutus again invoked the spirit of – and infringed upon the copyright to – Joey’s World Tour™ to bring the sale home to the gang®.
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Move over Duck Dynasty! And let Pope Primacy take over. In what is being called a “masterful PR campaign,” a new reality TV show, scheduled for MSNBC’s Fall lineup, will spread the message of Pope Francis and help Catholics cope with increased levels of cognitive dissonance beyond what religious people normally feel.
To anyone over 30, recent changes to the Vatican’s public image might be disorienting, even confusing, the Vatican said over Christmas — but Catholics worldwide can rest assured it has nothing at all to do with whitewashing a century of child rape or actually returning to the teachings of Communist Jesus and his crazy ideals (the church has sold him out more than enough).
“He’s a Jesuit,” bloggers say. “They do crazy things like publicly disavowing wealth.”
Catholicism enthusiasts have come forward with original, anonymous, leaked source material to suggest Pope Francis learned to embrace his growing public image.
The “Fresh Pope of Bel-Air” smokes a doobie with adoring fans.
“[The Pope]’s been working out, yeah. He’s changing his image. He not only started a beard [which photos indicate is in fact true], but — and I know you’re not gonna believe this — but, he went out and he got himself a tattoo.”
Written in Olde English calligraphy arching over a holy cross, the tattoo reads, “Thou Shalt Not.”
As excitement for the show “Pope Primacy” winds up, Pope Francis’ producers have begun pushing him to do “weirder and weirder stuff.”
Archbishop Chile Pedley said he is “frankly, very uncomfortable” with what the show creators want Francis to do, but said he’s satisfied with the results.
“They kept asking him to do weirder and weirder stuff,” Pedley said. “First they had him wash a prisoner’s feet, this young offender. I mean, that’s one thing. But recently for the show, they had him hug a severely disfigured man, and I just thought, ‘You guys have gone too far,’ but no — the people loved it. They fucking eat that shit up, apparently.”
Legendary Hollywood producer Phil Spector was overheard saying, “You’re gonna have to do some miracles, here, Francis,” while talking to Francis about the next round of eliminations. “Get on the healin’ train,” he said. “…could be Sainthood for ya, huge ratings… could be Redemption Island. We’ll see how people react to the fact you drive yourself to work.”
Leaked studio footage shows Archbishop Pedley again speaking directly into the camera, telling people he knows of “a guy with a garage full of stuff that the new Pope is gonna love.” Pedley said, “He’s got relics — idols from papal past.”[pullquote]Thou Shalt Not.[/pullquote]
Blogs and YouTube reviewers familiar with reality TV have already come forward to voice concerns they say are rooted in another oversized-cross-wearing icon. Xxfuckedup-247xX said “It’s only a matter of time before we start to recognize the Pope as an empty husk of his former self, who ambles around the house – rambling incoherently – but wisely.”
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It’s how we stay up to date. The Internet Chronicle is where you go to find the careful answers to tough questions: What will you wear tomorrow? The Internet Chronicle says: HAZMAT suits, of course! Can today’s political climate support the adoption of a fourth and fifth American political party? The Internet Chronicle says: As long as they’ve got the cash! My dick is hard, what should I masturbate to? The Internet Chronicle says: Selena Gomez will be legal soon enough (so get a head start)!
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From Our Family To Yours — We here at the Internet Chronicle would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas, and a happy new year. Here’s to 2014 – a new year which could turn out a lot more like 2011, without all the “Occupy” nonsense from before.
So gather up your guns. Keep your eyes to the sky, watch out for chemtrails, look over your shoulder for Uncle Sam and his spy drones. Keep watching TV, drink beer, and most importantly of all, don’t vote!
We’ll see y’all next year!
and hopefully the jews won’t be as much a problem as they have been
