A little girl shows her family how she believes 46.789% of our known universe will die in a gamma ray burst originating from the Great Attractor.
Agents of entropy, black holes are real and they are all around you
You say cheese and the camera steals your soul. What a smile! How many pictures of you are out there, capturing that magical moment when you pretended to be happy on command? What a smile. Such a warm memory. Relive it, exactly as it happened, alongside 999 photographs – all of them magical – from the same evening.
With a swipe of the finger, you’ll rip through a hundred without blinking as the night cascades up and down a smartphone. And wherever it stops, you’ll think to yourself, “Damn, what a smile.”
The lensing maw rearranges the lines of your face into a glowing stream of atoms, the light of which is suspended for eternity on the boundary of an event horizon. An illusory glow, the core of each galaxy swallows light but leaves the casings for astronomers to peer out in wonder.
“What a smile,” the photographer dispassionately exclaims as he folds spacetime, hilariously, first into a donut and then into a convex wireframe bowing and twisting under the weight of your perception. Like it knows its being watched. God is shy, but God damn, what a smile.
The donut folds over like a wolf in combat and collapses into your eyes, grinning on its way down, watching you from the corner of her eye. Eager and thirsty, spacetime rips itself apart to give you a taste of the river of light. But you can’t describe it to anyone. You can’t talk about it, because no word in the vocabulary can approach it without destroying some aspect of its inherent Truth. All the others can do is look at the stupid smirk on your otherwise stoic cat face, and laugh in your direction, and haphazardly declare – not without authentic surprise – “What a smile!”
The pay grade for employees who identify as women is reduced in proportion to their femininity.
The company, like other big tech firms, has been criticized for being mostly male and predominantly white.
Last year, Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers praised a diverse workplace. He said diversity is “whatever, pretty good I guess,” adding that having colored folk around, and women, could improve the company’s image.
But Lebal Drocer’s board of directors opposes a new proposal to increase diversity among its white, cis male-dominated Alpha Management team at the top.
The proposal, submitted by Lebal Drocer shareholder Lequita McNority, would require an aggressive recruitment policy to change the company’s demographic makeup.
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“You can’t say anything anymore.”
Lebal Drocer
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The board rejected it, saying it is “unduly burdensome and kind of gay sounding,” according to an announcement sent last week ahead of its February shareholder meeting held each month in the basement of a Richmond, Va. gentleman’s club.
There are eight people on Lebal Drocer’s board. They are all white, bearded men, except for Lequita who got the job because she was “at one time, always down to fuck.” Her diversity proposal, the company says, sounds just like something a woman would do.
Lebal Drocer’s executive team, like many major tech and chemical firms, is united by a common struggle: being a white male minority in a crazy, mixed up world of political correctness.
Lebal Drocer insists that it is doing its part to improve the stats:
Lebal Drocer has demonstrated to shareholders its commitment to whitewashing anything having to do with inclusion and diversity, which – as we continue to reiterate, but just like a woman not to listen – are core values for our company. Our 2015 diversity report reveals that 69% of the company is male and 31% are males who identify as women. So back the fuck up, shitlords.”
The pay grade for employees who identify as women is reduced in proportion to their femininity.
The board said its efforts are already much “broader” than what’s requested in the proposal.
“We already hire coloreds: We have an efficient, proud janitorial staff at Lebal Drocer headquarters in Cuthbert, and a fantastic team of secretaries composed of some of the most beautiful women in Atlanta.”
Lebal Drocer did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but they did pay us to write this article.
Check these dank new products that are totally gonna save you from the pain of being alone. Lebal Drocer, Inc. proudly presents our Top 5 Products of 2016 Guaranteed To Distract You From The Pain of Existence!
It’s true Jesus had to walk that lonesome valley, but Jesus didn’t have Twitter on an enecrypted futurephone, either. These wonderful new products promise to destroy the thing inside you that hurts when you face the world 😀
Sit back and enjoy the future! Tech progress is constantly delivering solutions to problems you never knew existed!
Google Cardboard
Have you ever wanted to wear a smartphone on your FACE? Why not? With Google Cardboard, you can see – up close and personal – the evolution of human fear through the new Imminent Fear app, which is still in beta but shows great promise in its ability to horrify even the most centered user.
Imminent Fear takes you on a virtual tour through the dark thoughts lurking in the collective unconscious. Is that the sound of a baby dying? I didn’t ask to be born. What’s that guy doing–SUICIDE BOMBER! #ISIS IS HERE AND IT’S WORLD WAR III. YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A REAL JOB!
iPhone Watch App
Have you ever wanted an iPhone Watch, but you were afraid you wouldn’t be able to find the right app on the Apple AppStore? Have no fear, consumers: The iPhone Watch App – although the jokes are 12 months too late – is still useful as ever! Just looking at it will make you feel like you deserve an Apple Watch on each wrist.
Coming Soon: Apple cRing! An Apple Watch for your Cock!
Tesla Model S
This sleek Android phone comes with a fast electric car built around it. All your Silicon Valley friends will want one, but YOU signed up for it first. Show off on reddit when the wooden crate is dropped off outside your McMansion: “Tesla Unboxing Video: Never Before Seen Car Drives Itself Into The Future!”
Are you tired of gaudy door handles that poke out for anyone in the world to grab hold of? The all-new Tesla Model S is capable of driving itself, and deciding who drives it! Users wishing to operate the vehicle must swipe their iPhone 6s Plus across a Point-of-Sale located near the driver’s window before gaining access to the futuristic car interior.
No poorfags allowed! The Model S requires a minimum bank balance of $250,000 before starting the ignition.
Encrypted Phones
Are your conversations about fingerfucking a mistress too important to leak to every Snowden and Manning with minimum-level access? Secure your nefarious activities for a limited time with the GATCA enecrypted smartphone. This phone is so secure, it is constantly under threat of intrusion!
Now you, too, can safely leak documents to the press about government wrongdoings, and cutting-edge AES 512 encryption buys you enough time to book a flight to Hong Kong, Moscow, Geneva — wherever! Except not Geneva.
But act fast! Those helium-cooled NSA supercomputers are gonna COME AT YA BRO when you’re using this ego-inflating, delusions-of-grandeur-fueling smartphone.
[Editor’s note: You are nothing.]
Vertical Rocketry
Is that a flagging erection on your launchpad? Nope. It’s a vertical rocket landing that has us shrieking like apes around a monolith. Have you ever wanted to see a rocket reused, over and over again like some kind of cosmic dildo? Now is your chance. Is it news? Is it a commercial? Who knows!
We successfully defunded NASA to the point where Americans are happy to see anything go to space and come back. Rally round the Branson! With a pocket full of shekels. The age of government tyranny over space has come to an end. With Obama signing asteroid and moon mining rights over to whoever wants it, America sets a new standard of liberty across the world; a nod to Galileo, and a wink to Reagan; a neoliberal shot in the dark; with one eye on the heavens, and the other on a bank account, humanity dares to venture to trillion-dollar asteroids full of shiny stuff that is not quite as abundant on earth, and mine it for sweet, economy-collapsing profit.
Get in on the ground floor, and invest your paltry savings into a sure thing. Vertical rocketry is guaranteed to really get your dicks hard.
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This award-winning article is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
You say cheese and the camera steals your soul. What a smile! How many pictures of you are out there, capturing that magical moment when you pretended to be happy on command? What a smile. Such a warm memory. Relive it, exactly as it happened, alongside 999 photographs – all of them magical – from the same evening.
The company, like other big tech firms, has been criticized for being mostly male and predominantly white.
