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HEY GUESS WHAT? MORE WAR!

Here’s the shit CNN won’t report

It’s not Kim Kardashian. It’s not Casey Anthony’s dead little baby. It’s not even Weiner’s dick. Nope. It’s another fucking WAR!

In April, the lying United States President Barack Obama said there are “no boots on the ground” in Libya but we reported there certainly are “shoes on the ground.” And boots. America continues its oil campaign through the desert as Obama prepares to declare war on Libya, who is currently already at war with itself.

Obama wants in on dat

Obama submitted a 34-page document to House Speaker John Boehner in support of all-out war on Libya. Lawsuits are being prepared against the administration which is currently engaged in illegal acts of war inside the oil-controlled nation of Libya, and Obama was required to justify his weird acts of war.

Many Americans will not even ask the question "Why not Syria?" where cold-blooded slayings of innocent, unarmed protesters take place as you read this – because Americans smart enough to ask that question are smart enough to know America's role is not to spread Democracy, but to keep its own oil prices low.

The rest of the American public allow warmongering to continue because 98% of them are kept ignorant by corporate media and their own lazy, noninquisitive lifestyles; they probably just assume it's all good in the 'hood as long as their reality TV shows don't exhibit signs of political polarization.

The U.S. State Department is considering lifting its ban on women in combat roles. This is likely less in the interest of women's rights, and more because they don't have enough meat in the field to sustain four simultaneous wars. Libya can expect a flood of women's rights, where women will soon be found legally behind the gun pointed at your terrorist sand-babies.

Germany couldn't warmonger on half the fronts we do but we'll pull it off, because America's number 1.

internetchronicle.org/ reporter Old Brutus called the CNN tipline to let them know Obama submitted to Congress what he said is a "legal basis for war" on Libya. Brutus assumed they had not yet learned of the development since they were broadcasting stories about Angelina Jolie and people having a hard time playing golf.

Old Brutus called the New York City CNN tip-line to make them aware of the news but could only speak to a machine. He left the following message:

[audio:https://internetchronicle.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/message-from-old-brutus-to-cnn1.mp3|titles=Old Brutus' message to CNN]

Then, dissatisfied and wishing to speak with a human being, Old Brutus called the Atlanta, Ga. headquarters where computers have not yet assumed oppressive control over the flow of information. In Ga. it recently became legal for women to work, so a girl answered the phone.

She said she was not aware of the President's justification for war on Libya to Congress, and forwarded him to the same tip-line he called to reach her. While holding, Brutus quickly plugged his voice recorder back into his hyper-encrypted landline handset and recorded the following conversation:

[audio:https://internetchronicle.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/tip-line1.mp3|titles=Old Brutus submits a news tip to CNN]

Elf Wax Media Ethics Analyst Billiam Falshe, who is glued constantly to CNN and supports their every move, was available for comment. Shortly before increasing the volume on his television, Falshe had this to say:

We like pretty dead babys with pretty mothers. We don’t like ugly sand-niggers blown to pieces by our political hate machine.

In the news today:

  • Someone injured during an angelina jolie visit to bumfuck nowhere
  • John Boehner plays golf “under pressure” [editor’s note: Boehner is scheduled to play golf with the President, who Boehner asked to submit a proposal for his thus-far-illegal war on Libya. *Gasp!* I wonder what they will they talk about?]
  • A new battlefront! [oh, between republicans and democrats]
  • For at least 30 minutes, Casey Anthony’s trial dominated BOTH CNN channels
  • Sarah Palin, for some reason
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None of your donations will be used for web hosting costs or prudent investments. We promise to blow every last coin on the Silk Road. It will fuel our “unhinged” and insane rants, providing you with that much more entertainment. We need your bitcoins more than ever. Times are tough, and the shit’s weak.

Fuck you if you don’t send us magical internet drug money.

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Lulz Lizards Invade the InterT00bz

Today, LulzSec released a manifesto on PasteBin outlining a more sophisticated set of motives. Like all posts on PasteBin, to trust it would be idiotic. It was the thousandth tweet spectacular, and the Lulz forever died. Us Lulz Lizards at internetchronicle.org/ would like to weigh in on these lofty statements from our pirate friends at LulzSec.

There seems to be an underground sect of Lulz Lizards crawling through the grimiest internet t00bz, ready to do anything for a quick laugh. The lizards will log onto your Facebook, masturbate to your girlfriend, and then tell her you are into choking children. At the Chronicle, we completely understand this phenomenon and report on it daily. By reporting on it, we have ourselves become somewhat acclimated to crawling through the Lulz Lizard t00bz and have covered ourselves in /b/ period blood.

That said, LulzSec knows what we filthy lizards want. We want to see people rage, we want to see their relationships burn, we want their houses flooded with unwanted pizza and distress. We are Anonymous. We do not Forgive. We do not Forget. Expect us to fap when we’re done.

The manifesto made one startling statement that broke with LulzSec tradition. In the past, they would only hold back releases because of their love for Sega Dreamcast. That is no longer true. Today they did it to prove an important and meaningful point. Dear God, what has come of LulzSec?!?!

“We’re sitting on 200,000 Brink users right now that we never gave out. It might make you feel safe knowing we told you, so that Brink users may change their passwords. What if we hadn’t told you? No one would be aware of this theft, and we’d have a fresh 200,000 peons to abuse, completely unaware of a breach.”

Let me take a second to wash my hands of all this multi-colored period blood. You could have been doing this all along, but instead you’ve gleefully fed the Lulz Lizards. We don’t blame you for knowing what they want, because we want it too. We enjoyed seeing the pathetic lizards scramble around for your scraps.

Now that you’ve shown you’re capable of taking the boring moral high ground like post-Cablegate Anonymous, it’s all downhill from here. Maybe the Government Hate Lizards will take it a little easier on you, now that you’ve shown a kind of regretful cultural awareness and a shred of morality. The Lulz Lizards will not!

You are yesterday’s Lulz, bitches!