Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

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The Syrian struggle for peace is wide open for exploitation and only our loud opinions can save them!

The user interface determines the quality of American hatred for Assad.
The user interface determines the quality of American hatred for Assad.

The end game to all human discourse is the categorization of ourselves and those around us. That is to say we see ourselves as these competing entities when in reality we need to help each other compete with the other 7 billion, more than half of whom struggle to eat. And then there’s Bashar al-Assad.

This man has everything. Assad’s dominion was scheduled to fall by hidden masters, but not before he made plans to have a tail surgically implanted into the vestigial tailbone above his asshole. The tail, which responds to emotional stimuli or instinct, hangs at “that part that smells bad when you don’t shower.”

Assad’s surgeon in Iran, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadauer said the tail is likely to attract babes.

Let’s Kill Assad!

Even if he DIDN’T gas his people, because he let it happen in his country, we need to bury that cock-a-roache. Hey, George Bush was ousted from power after 3,000 brave patriots died in the World Trade Center under his rule. So answer me this: why not Assad?

If the rebels gassed civs in order to blame Assad, then it almost worked. It plays out like a fake CIA hit that everyone knew would fail who attempted it, but they did it anyway.

The only thing in this world worth having is a tail, and if you’ve got one of those bad boys hanging from above your butthole, then you can safely assume you’ll never have money – or lady – trouble again.

You can crucify a man with a tail one thousand times, but he’ll only die once.

This article is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc. and the Vestigitail with Vestigitail software. Vestigial Tail is probably monitored by hackers, secret agents and background surveillance software. Vesgitial Tail donates a portion of all proceeds to the Jerry Lewis Foundation.

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Health Law News Obituaries Politics Science Society World

“Gravity Bong” Explodes Mans Lungs

BOULDER, CO — Chet Goodman, 19, was killed last night when his lungs exploded from the use of what is called a “gravity bong,” to forcibly inhale marijuana smoke. Goodman had just returned to Boulder from his hometown of Los Angeles for fall semester at Colorado University, when his roommates suggested to ceremoniously get high together in their posh, but modest college mansion below the mountains.

Charles Webster, one of Goodman’s roommate, stated “We were about to get on’n smoke a little out of our regular bong, since we just got all back together from summer break and then Chad[Conrad] suggested we use a gravity bong instead.”

A gravity bong is a homemade device made from the severed top of a milk jug or in this case, a Hinckley Springs water cooler jug. A makeshift screen is created at the top where the marijuana is placed. The device is then lowered into a sink full of water, leaving the top exposed, as to not wet the marijuana. Fire is then applied to the pot as the contraption is then slowly lifted upward filling it with smoke and leaving the bottom partially submerged to keep the smoke contained. Users then remove the screen, placing their mouths on the lid and pushing the bong back into the water, effectively forcing the smoke into their lungs for a more “stony” high.

When reached for comment, the Internet Chronicle‘s Chief Scientist and DEA liaison, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said hazily, “Anyone stupid enough to fucking force shit into their lungs like that deserves to fucking die, man.”

The third roommate, Chad Conrad, who suggested they use a gravity bong is being held in Boulder County jail and has been officially charged with manslaughter and possession of marijuana without a medical card.

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Local Special Interest Technology

Lebal Drocer officials enter Chronicle offices, destroy hard drives

LEBAL DROCERThe Internet Chronicle’s editor-in-chief, Raghubir Goyal, explains that he is now forced to work on stories about insider trading from inside the USSR, because Lebal Drocer Intelligence Freedom and Internet Liberty officials went into the Chronicle’s headquarters in Cuthbert, Ga. and destroyed hard drives containing copies of Lebal Drocer stationary outlining some of their misdeeds.

Agents for Lebal Drocer, Inc. recently detained Vic Livingston, the gay Internet boyfriend of Chronicle staff writer Frank Mason who died mysteriously last year. Livingston, who is also a real journalist, was detained for several hours and questioned insistently by agents of the corporation, who would not let him out of their sight, even to go to the bathroom. They made him go number two a coffee can.

“Lebal Drocer knew their stocks were plummeting, so they sold shares of their company to unsuspecting idiots for nearly a thousand times their estimated value.”

Angstrom Troubadour, internetchronicle.org/ Financial Analyst.

Lebal Drocer, Inc. has toughened their stance on Internet freedom, citing the upswing in information terrorism as one reason for writing new legislation that would grant them “unfathomable” control over Internet traffic all over the world.

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Lebal Drocer’s control over matters of Internet Freedom and Security is . . . unfathomable . . . frightening.

Dan Brown, author

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Per protocol, the new measures will be written by Lebal Drocer’s “Litigation Legion” dream team of attorneys, and handed to indeterminate congresspersons – who will then be paid to introduce the legislation in the House – where other representatives will then be paid to vote for it.

[Editor’s note: Surprisingly enough, this is how American politics really work!]

Features added to the new draconian Internet security measures include the outlawing of “copy and paste” for its ability to inherently defy Intellectual Property law, and will forbid all usage of the domain extension .se, .sx and .su – country-specific domain extensions used primarily by hackers and piracy advocates worldwide.

In coordination with Lebal Drocer, Inc., Welch’s NATURAL Concord Grape Jelly Spread have spearheaded anti-piracy measures after their recipe, “SUGAR, GRAPE FLAVORING™ AND PRESERVATIVE BASE,” were distributed via BitTorrent through audio, video, software and recipe piracy website The Pirate Bay, which is hosted on the illicit webservers that spam the Internet with Julian Assange’s propaganda known as Wikileaks.

President Barack Obama was overheard praising the efforts of Lebal Drocer, Inc. who paid for him to take office in 2012, narrowly defeating their darling candidate Mitt Romney, whose campaign was also financed and coordinated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

This message is brought to you proudly by your big brother, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

There’s A Little Touch Of Lebal Drocer In Every Message You Send.™