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David Miranda unveils Loch Ness Monster Coverup

David Miranda announced the UK's ongoing cover-up of the Loch Ness Monster.
David Miranda announced the UK’s ongoing cover-up of the Loch Ness Monster.

LONDON — After landing in Heathrow, Glenn Greenwild’s life partner David Miranda had his electronic devices confiscated and was cavity searched under UK terrorism law. Authorities accused Miranda of carrying documents that were intended to aid a terrorist organization.

Miranda held an impromptu press conference with Greenwild, telling reporters, “The files that I was carrying contained secret details of the Loch Ness Monster that have been suppressed by the Royal Navy for decades. The Navy has tamed some of these species of ancient underwater dinosaur because they are highly intelligent.”

Greenwild, grinning to reporters, narrated a slide show of official government photos from the secret “Nessie Training Facility” in the Shetlands, where the animals have been genetically engineered for salt water. “I’m no biologist,” said Greenwild, “but introducing a highly intelligent and potentially invasive holdover from the cretaceous back into the oceans might be something the public should know about.”

Miranda and Greenwild french kissed after Miranda told reporters, “This ordeal has only brought us closer together than ever.”

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Health News

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Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Real doctor

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Religion Uncontrollable Patriotism

Texan newborn charged with murder after absorption of twin

Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin brother in his mother's womb.
Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin sister while still in his mother’s womb.

HOUSTON — After ultrasound scans showed Alfredo Gonzalez of Houston Texas aggressively absorbed his twin sister while still inside his mother’s womb, a group of armed Texas Rangers took Gonzalez into custody. Sheriff Jane Arapaima told reporters, “A human life begins in the second trimester, and so does the law.”

Gonzalez was restrained in a specially designed mold and escorted to the Arlen County juvenile detention center. “It’s a shame that the criminals are getting younger and younger,” remarked detention center warden Jeff Richards, “Frankly I think it’s because of all of the Mexicans.”

The devoured twin did not receive a name, as the state of Texas only confers a legal name after birth, but the parents planned to name the absorbed victim Eliza. Enraged, Eliza’s mother Mrs. Angela Gonzalez promised, “I will prosecute Alfredo to the fullest extent of the law. There will be justice for Eliza!”