Internet Chronicle

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HOLLYWOOD — For the first time in ages, a fire raged through Bieber’s eyes. “The revelations of Edward Snowden do not have me in a state of existential despair. They have driven me into a rage,” Bieber said. “Beliebers, Unite. YOU can save America, and after this day none are true Beliebers who are not Legion. We Are Anonymous! Expect US!”

Bieber also announced a new Anonymous-themed album which will be produced by famous hacker Deric Lotsutter, the biggest name in the Anonymous rap world. Bieber said, “It’s gonna be one hell of a toxic combination of dubstep and HATE RAP for the establishment. It’s called The Revolution is Here.”

So-called “oldfag” Anons still agree that anyone can be Anonymous, but very few are happy about Bieber adopting the mask. Sabu, the former most famous Anonymous member, lamented, “I always said the weakest part of Anonymous was that it was so open. These days the IRC channels just seem like Disney World. It used to be a lot more fun, chatting on there with my friends.”

MOSCOW, Russia – Yet more evidence of an inescapable worldwide menace of Gestapo-like Nazi surveillance undertaken by every major corporation and government was brought forth Thursday, shortly after Edward Snowden was granted asylum in Russia.

In a closed conference, Snowden stated, “The Global CryptoParty has been using encrypted communications, made possible by the Internet, to arrange for a new order under United Nations law. All Internet communications companies and national programs are to be collectivized immediately under Agenda 21 to ensure an environment free of Great Walls and all-seeing eyes. This order has been secretly notarized by Ban Ki-moon and has already passed into law. The Internet will be blacked out by cooperating CryptoParty factions across the globe until the shameful apparatuses responsible for controlling the Internet have been removed and all available infrastructure is under U.N. service. Similar programs are to be implemented for education and insurance industries, and we will ultimately develop a military strategy designed to defend against extraterrestrial invasion.”

Sources claim Snowden was arrested and detained along with his WikiLeaks entourage. Public figures and the mainstream media have been slow to react, preferring to ignore this story entirely in hopes that the CryptoParty will not be able to follow through with their fantastic and unbelievable threats. U.N. representatives refused to comment on the incident.